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PLEASE PLEASE. i JUST NEED SOME SUPPORT...LONG...

(55 Posts)
TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 03-Jun-09 09:44:42

DS is already seeing someone for emotional problems, but nothing is really improving as of yet.

Last night he 'raged' and had 'hysterics' for over 1hr. It took me and his father to get him to anything close to manageable, and he ended up having a bath at 10.30 to try and calm him a little. But he went to sleep crying,sad.

My poor DD was struggling and despite trying to give her attention, she is still being affected by it.

The reasons for his outbursts are complex, but I am exhausted and sad. He goes to secondary school in september and I am dreading it. It just goes on and on and on. Need to offload a little.

I am leaving him to sleep because he will be impossible at school as he is so tired, which means explaining to the teachers yet again that he is in a state. I ache for him, but am frustrated and stressed as well. His hormones will be kicking in and then we will have that to cope with. (this isn't pre-teen angst, he has been like it for years, but as of yet has had no 'official' dx, so help has been hard to get).

Trying to 'just keep swimming' but it always seems to be upstream.sadOh help.

I am struggling. He has woken up in a foul mood. Saying nasty things, telling me no-one cares or understands, that I have to give up work, he is going to refuse tyo go to school
I don't know how to do this. He can't keep taking time off school because he doesn't feel like going in but he is also obvioiusly not happy. I have masses and masses of work to do.

My parents can't help and I don't want to ring his dad. It is a night mare and I have had enough. I am feeling wound up and nearly shouted at him.

H won't stop going on about how much he fancies me now that the marriage is over, and despite treating me like crap fo a very long time expects me to draw a line so we can move on.
He says it is up to me to 'say the word', not really dealing with what bought me to this point in the first place.

I don't know what to do. I really don't. I am trying so hard because I am trying to fight deptression but it is not easy and when I start to make progress because I want to have something more out of life than this constant uphill struggle, something knocks me back.

I want to laugh and have days of just 'being', not constantly dealing with tension and fraught emotions and It might be selfish but I want to stop having to be the one to have to 'manage' everything so it doesn't all spiral out of control.

I want to sort my own head out and be me again because somewhere in this fucked up head there is a girl who loves life and wants to enjoy it and get the most out of what it has to offer.

We go through this most of the time is DS doesn't get his own way or someone says something in the wrong tone of voice or looks at him wrong (and H for that matter).

If the poor boy has some kind or 'problem', whatever that may be, it is so so sad, but I am scared that this will never ever end.

fALLING APART

flamingobingo Wed 03-Jun-09 09:47:41

Is there any way at all you can take him out of school for a term or two to take stock and try to find out what's going on?

Poor you - sounds very stressful sad

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 03-Jun-09 09:53:12

He is very very difficult to handle...I would have to give up work.

He lost his temper with me again.

I don't feel like a parent.

I am crap.

flamingobingo Wed 03-Jun-09 09:55:20

You are not crap.

School is not right for some children. You may find that he begins to calm down and have fewer tantrums after a period of adjustment if you took him out of school.

Is there any way you can give up work? Or work part time?

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 03-Jun-09 09:59:16

It would be hard...I don't know.

I know I couldn't handle him very well. He has always been 'challenging' from a vey young age.

My head hurts.

mylifemykids Wed 03-Jun-09 09:59:41

If you were a crap parent then you wouldn't care enough to post this

What have school said about his 'difficulties'? Is he going to a mainstream school? How does he get on education wise?

The reason I ask is my nephew was very similar to this. My sister decided to move him to a 'special' school (sorry not sure what they're officially called these days!) and the change in him was instant. He was struggling in main stream and his frustrations were coming out in his behaviour, and because of his behaviour nobody was taking any notice of the fact that he was struggling academically. He was just labelled as a 'naughty' child.

drlove8 Wed 03-Jun-09 10:02:44

TMW ... im so sorry life is very hard for you right now. Im guessing your DS possibly has an asd?..Its very difficult to deal with and no wonder your exhausted and depressed.You need some respite.It is not selfish to want to enjoy life. I would reconcider phoning DS dad, after all he is DC parent too, so he should share the responsibility.You shouldnt have to cope with it all and Ex gets off scott free.Your DS may respond more positivly to his dad. Your H needs a kick up the arse ,tbh,he should be more supportive to yousad. Could the SW help with respite for your boy?.Even a friend who could take him out /watch him whilst you escape for an hour would give you a break.I hope things improve for you soon x

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 03-Jun-09 10:09:55

H is still in the family home and TBH I don't know how I would cope with DS completely on my own.

I am incapable of making a decision and am having a day when I don't 'like' DS very much. I am trying really hard to make sure he feels loved but everything is such a struggle with him.

I tried to get H to move out but he is resisting in everyway possible and is being so 'nice' at the moment I feel like it is all my fault. But it has been hell for such a long time.

I have talked about respite and he did go away for a few days but came back and complained about a lot of the weekend. He has an older brother who has him occasionally, but he is quite far away.

Oh shit, why is it all so hard?

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 03-Jun-09 10:12:00

I think I need to get away for a while but H would be dificult to convince. I want to just get my head straight.

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 03-Jun-09 10:16:16

Does anyone know anything about pschyzophrenia(sp). His uncle has a dx of that. Can it run in a family like that?

rolledhedgehog Wed 03-Jun-09 10:17:25

What is his behaviour like at school?

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 03-Jun-09 10:18:51

He is in mainstream school, they say he is a different child at school and is not being bullied noticably and joins in happily with other children....

He has suddenly turned into a 'sweet boy', and is being cuddly and telling me he loves.

sammynixon Wed 03-Jun-09 10:22:41

Poor you.... Have you tried talking to his school. They might be able to refoer you toi someone who might be able to help.
Keep your chin up...

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 03-Jun-09 10:28:32

I seem to be at school most weeks. We are getting some support from camhs, but the actual living with it is not improving much at the moment, although he doesn't destroy things as much as he used to.

Thank-you so much. The answers and support have really made a difference this morning. I don't know waht I would have done without somewhere to offload...

(weak) smile

saggyhairyarse Wed 03-Jun-09 10:34:34

My first thought is that he is reacting to the marriage difficulties and his rages are 'attention seeking' but of course I am no expert and that is just the first thing that springs to mind!!!!

How long has his behaviour been the way it is? How long has your marriage been breaking down? Have you considered family therapy? (Even if the marriage cannot be saved you both need to pull together and parent your son, not saying that you don't.)

Have the school any suggestions? What does your GP advise?

duchesse Wed 03-Jun-09 10:35:31

I have to say that schizophrenia would not be my first thought in a pre-pubertal child, but am not qualified to make any kind of diagnosis about this. I rather thought it tended to kick in at around teenage if it was going to.

Is he OK at school, first of all? Are you sure he's coping academically, and not being bullied or teased? It sounds to me as though you're trying to cope with an awful lot at once. Does his father take him out for boys' days out? Have you tried speaking to him when he is calm to work out why he is having these meltdowns? I can't say they sound common in a child of his age, but I do know of one other boy who was like this at this age, for no apparent reason.

The most important thing in learning to control one's temper is learning to understand why one reacts to things the way one does. This requires quite a lot of emotional intelligence and the ability to vocalise thoughts. This rage thing sounds to me as though he is dealing with something he can't express in words. Do you think there's any chance it may be a way of ensuring that both his parents are there with him? Just a thought. Did you work out what triggered it last night? I just think that with younger children (pre-teen) there is often a far more simple explanation than a mental health issue.

Your H's timing is appalling btw.

sammynixon Wed 03-Jun-09 10:36:41

Have you got any drop in centres near you... whether it is a clinic or a doctors surgery?

There must be more help out there than what they are giving you. Has he been diagnosed with any behaviour order.

I work in a school and i have seen something like this before...

You probably have tried everything but sometimes asking for a second opinion works wonders.

wink

sammynixon Wed 03-Jun-09 10:38:54

Have you got any drop in centres near you... whether it is a clinic or a doctors surgery?

There must be more help out there than what they are giving you. Has he been diagnosed with any behaviour order.

I work in a school and i have seen something like this before...

You probably have tried everything but sometimes asking for a second opinion works wonders.

wink

saggyhairyarse Wed 03-Jun-09 10:39:08

For advice and support:

www.parentlineplus.org.uk/index.php?id=1

sammynixon Wed 03-Jun-09 10:40:28

Sorry - accidently sent it twice

Judy1234 Wed 03-Jun-09 10:44:43

I think however late he went to bed he should be made to be there on time every single day without fail and then he;ll feel safe and secure and unable to manipulate things. Is he bad because you're depressed and your marriage is breaking up or has he always had hese behavioural issues?

Does he do enough sport?
Does he eat a healthy diet without too many processed foods?

LupusinaLlamasuit Wed 03-Jun-09 10:50:15

Sorry to be really obvious here, but you hint that your marriage is recently over but your H is still living in the house?

Isn't this the most obvious cause of your son's upset and needs addressing and resolving?

Have you and your ex-H done enough to find ways of helping your son dealing with your relationship breakdown? You can get help with this too - perhaps from Relate, who would at least help with your parenting through this situation or possibly include the whole family in counselling...?

LupusinaLlamasuit Wed 03-Jun-09 10:52:43

I have to say the notion that the poor boy has 'emotional problems' smacks of blaming and labelling him when actually it would be an entirely normal response to his parents' failing relationship.

I think you need to be more on his side and understand his rage, not try and 'treat' it...

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 03-Jun-09 10:53:18

parentline have been fab..but DS wil go mad if I call the when he is at home.

Oh god...his dad has been horrible to him in the past. To be ''we have both struggled with DS. He pushes buttons ALL the time. Bu H is an adult. DS is AN 11 YEAR OLD BOY.

I threatened to call the police a while back because things got out of hand, and since then H appears to be really trying but the damage is done. I haven't always handled DS well, he seems to thrive on. DS has had a lot of help but will not talk to professionals and just 'shrugs' and won't go into detail about the stuff we deal with.

I am such a mess, being assertive with H is hard. He breaks down, days I don't realise how much he loves me and he doesn't know why he treated us so badly. He is on AD's. It is like living with two jeckyll and Hydes and never sure which one is going to kick off.

Oh fuck. How the hell am I going to sort out this mess so the kids come out of it sane? My poor poor DDsadsad.

She is only 6.

I am sorry if I don't answer some of the questions, my head is still spining. But thank-you all.

LupusinaLlamasuit Wed 03-Jun-09 10:54:58

'DS will go mad?'

You sound like you fear your son's reaction also?

I think you need more support so you can be the firm but loving parent he needs right now. Can you go to Relate on your own for help?

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