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what would you do ?

(13 Posts)
thickasabrick Tue 02-Jun-09 13:39:33

Sorry this is going to be long.Have name changed for this one. first a brief history. my parents divorced when i was 9 (approx), lived with mother and siblings, dad disapeared.mum would constantly talk about dad, how he was such a bastard and how his family hate us and dont want us.Relationship with mother was toxic , at best and abusive at worst.Every one of us ( me and siblings) ran away from home at some point.When i was 16 dad reapeared and parents got back together.(although living in seperate towns) I ran away at 17 , and got into the wrong crowed and stupidly into drugs.Boyfriend at the time encouraged me.Was away for aproximatly 3 weeks.Parents found me and draged me back to my mothers.Found out i was pregnant, mother told me if i had the baby i was no daughter of hers, and everyone would disown me...dad went along with her.So by means of emotional blackmail and violence, i was terrified so did what she wanted and had an abortion.parents were insistant that it was done privately so it wasnt on my medical records.On returning from clinic mother called me a murderer.This was frequently used by her as leveradge to get me to do what she wanted,.even after i left home. Met ex-h and moved in with him. when younger half brother learned i was pregnant for second time he asked me where my other baby was, and was it burned? he was 3 at the time. Had daughter ,.Mum and dad split up again( she held a knife to his neck),and he again disapeared.Had sporadic contact with both parents for a few years, then emegrated and got married .i also got married , and husbands family became the focus of my mothers venom.the marriage was a mistake and husband was also abusive, and when i told her and asked for help , she said im not helping you leave. I got divorced and met my dp and had two more kids...life was finally good. i found the courage to cut mother out of my life at last...unfortunatly this also ment i lost my siblings who have in turn stopped all contact with me. then i got a phone call from aunt on my dads side. My grandmother was desperatly ill , and wanted contact with me.She 'd missed me. So i phoned, and through my aunt had contact with grandparents and some cousins.Gran got better.Then my grandad got cancer. He died and i wasnt told when it happened. I phoned two days before the funeral and found out then.I was told that there was to be no grandchildren at the funeral, it was to be a very small affair, only my grandmother and aunts and uncles.I have since found out that this wasnt true, via facebook. i am absolutly gutted that i missed grandads funeral, that people i thought i could trust lied to me... and i suspected my dad was prompting them to ignore/exclude me... so i put a message on his answer machine asking him not too do this. then i posted on facebook saying what id done.i included a line saying " thank god some of you have a brain and a back bone and can think for youselves" ... this was taken the wrong way by said aunt ( but is a clear reference to the fact aunt and cousins drove 6oo miles to get me so i could see grandad before he died, when other family members wouldnt cross the road for me).She phoned me , and was quite upset, she also told me that it was my grandmother who did not want me there shock. And that my dad was crying and called me his princess....the phonecall ended with aunt saying that i had the choice if i still wanted to talk to her, and i was to let her know. So would i be unreasonable to forget the lies, and forgive her or would it the wrong thing to do?... im confused .sad So many times i have been lied to (by other poeple )already i cant count, but how can i trust them now?

Bathsheba Tue 02-Jun-09 13:41:12

I'm really really sorry but I honestly can't read that in one huge long paragraph.

Can you cut and paste it and repost if with some spacing and things - makes it so much easier to read...

thickasabrick Tue 02-Jun-09 13:43:18

i dont know how to do that sad

theDreadPirateRoberts Tue 02-Jun-09 13:46:16

"Sorry this is going to be long.Have name changed for this one.

first a brief history. my parents divorced when i was 9 (approx), lived with mother and siblings, dad disapeared.mum would constantly talk about dad, how he was such a bastard and how his family hate us and dont want us.Relationship with mother was toxic , at best and abusive at worst.

Every one of us ( me and siblings) ran away from home at some point.When i was 16 dad reapeared and parents got back together.(although living in seperate towns) I ran away at 17 , and got into the wrong crowed and stupidly into drugs.Boyfriend at the time encouraged me.Was away for aproximatly 3 weeks.Parents found me and draged me back to my mothers.Found out i was pregnant, mother told me if i had the baby i was no daughter of hers, and everyone would disown me...dad went along with her.

So by means of emotional blackmail and violence, i was terrified so did what she wanted and had an abortion.parents were insistant that it was done privately so it wasnt on my medical records.On returning from clinic mother called me a murderer.This was frequently used by her as leveradge to get me to do what she wanted,.even after i left home.

Met ex-h and moved in with him. when younger half brother learned i was pregnant for second time he asked me where my other baby was, and was it burned? he was 3 at the time.

Had daughter ,.Mum and dad split up again( she held a knife to his neck),and he again disapeared.Had sporadic contact with both parents for a few years, then emegrated and got married .

i also got married , and husbands family became the focus of my mothers venom.the marriage was a mistake and husband was also abusive, and when i told her and asked for help , she said im not helping you leave. I got divorced and met my dp and had two more kids...life was finally good. i found the courage to cut mother out of my life at last...unfortunatly this also ment i lost my siblings who have in turn stopped all contact with me.

then i got a phone call from aunt on my dads side. My grandmother was desperatly ill , and wanted contact with me.She 'd missed me. So i phoned, and through my aunt had contact with grandparents and some cousins.Gran got better.

Then my grandad got cancer. He died and i wasnt told when it happened. I phoned two days before the funeral and found out then.I was told that there was to be no grandchildren at the funeral, it was to be a very small affair, only my grandmother and aunts and uncles.

I have since found out that this wasnt true, via facebook. i am absolutly gutted that i missed grandads funeral, that people i thought i could trust lied to me... and i suspected my dad was prompting them to ignore/exclude me... so i put a message on his answer machine asking him not too do this. then i posted on facebook saying what id done.i included a line saying " thank god some of you have a brain and a back bone and can think for youselves" ...

this was taken the wrong way by said aunt ( but is a clear reference to the fact aunt and cousins drove 6oo miles to get me so i could see grandad before he died, when other family members wouldnt cross the road for me).She phoned me , and was quite upset, she also told me that it was my grandmother who did not want me there shock.

And that my dad was crying and called me his princess....the phonecall ended with aunt saying that i had the choice if i still wanted to talk to her, and i was to let her know.

So would i be unreasonable to forget the lies, and forgive her or would it the wrong thing to do?... im confused .sad So many times i have been lied to (by other poeple )already i cant count, but how can i trust them now? "

HTH - hope you get some good direction on this.

Overmydeadbody Tue 02-Jun-09 13:46:25

Oh god, it sounds awful.

I think you will never be able to trust them. Your best bet is to have nothing more to do with them. If they want to contact you, presumably they know how?

I would avoid using facebook as a means of communicating with everyone though, especially if it is just via status updates.

modernart Tue 02-Jun-09 13:51:14

Here I've done it for you

By thickasabrick on Tue 02-Jun-09 13:39:33

"Sorry this is going to be long.Have name changed for this one. first a brief history.

my parents divorced when i was 9 (approx), lived with mother and siblings, dad disapeared.mum would constantly talk about dad, how he was such a bastard and how his family hate us and dont want us.

Relationship with mother was toxic , at best and abusive at worst.Every one of us ( me and siblings) ran away from home at some point.When i was 16 dad reapeared and parents got back together.(although living in seperate towns)

I ran away at 17 , and got into the wrong crowed and stupidly into drugs.Boyfriend at the time encouraged me.Was away for aproximatly 3 weeks.Parents found me and draged me back to my mothers.

Found out i was pregnant, mother told me if i had the baby i was no daughter of hers, and everyone would disown me...dad went along with her.So by means of emotional blackmail and violence, i was terrified so did what she wanted and had an abortion.

parents were insistant that it was done privately so it wasnt on my medical records.On returning from clinic mother called me a murderer.This was frequently used by her as leveradge to get me to do what she wanted,.even after i left home.

Met ex-h and moved in with him. when younger half brother learned i was pregnant for second time he asked me where my other baby was, and was it burned? he was 3 at the time.

Had daughter ,.Mum and dad split up again( she held a knife to his neck),and he again disapeared.Had sporadic contact with both parents for a few years, then emegrated and got married .

i also got married , and husbands family became the focus of my mothers venom.the marriage was a mistake and husband was also abusive, and when i told her and asked for help , she said im not helping you leave.

I got divorced and met my dp and had two more kids...life was finally good. i found the courage to cut mother out of my life at last...unfortunatly this also ment i lost my siblings who have in turn stopped all contact with me.

then i got a phone call from aunt on my dads side. My grandmother was desperatly ill , and wanted contact with me.She 'd missed me. So i phoned, and through my aunt had contact with grandparents and some cousins.Gran got better.

Then my grandad got cancer. He died and i wasnt told when it happened. I phoned two days before the funeral and found out then.I was told that there was to be no grandchildren at the funeral, it was to be a very small affair, only my grandmother and aunts and uncles.I have since found out that this wasnt true, via facebook.

i am absolutly gutted that i missed grandads funeral, that people i thought i could trust lied to me... and i suspected my dad was prompting them to ignore/exclude me... so i put a message on his answer machine asking him not too do this. then i posted on facebook saying what id done.i included a line saying " thank god some of you have a brain and a back bone and can think for youselves" ... this was taken the wrong way by said aunt ( but is a clear reference to the fact aunt and cousins drove 6oo miles to get me so i could see grandad before he died, when other family members wouldnt cross the road for me).

She phoned me , and was quite upset, she also told me that it was my grandmother who did not want me there shock. And that my dad was crying and called me his princess....the phonecall ended with aunt saying that i had the choice if i still wanted to talk to her, and i was to let her know.

So would i be unreasonable to forget the lies, and forgive her or would it the wrong thing to do?... im confused .sad So many times i have been lied to (by other poeple )already i cant count, but how can i trust them now?"

modernart Tue 02-Jun-09 13:52:58

Crossposted TheDreadPirateRoberts.

Hope someone has some good advice for you, TAAB

Nancy66 Tue 02-Jun-09 13:54:18

I agree with not using fAcebook as a way of venting your feelings - always backfires and makes you look bad.

My advice is to cut these people out of your life. all of them and permanently. They seem to bring you nothing but unhappiness.

I firmly believe that you shouldn't have people in your life that aren't:

1)good for you
2)good to you.

thickasabrick Tue 02-Jun-09 13:56:52

thank you for fixing my post dreadpirate! Overmydeadbody ... thats exactly what my dp said...sad. I just wanted some kind of family (apart from dp and dc).I know im not perfect and have made mistakes, but i dont think i deserve this.sad.

thickasabrick Tue 02-Jun-09 14:06:12

Nancy66 , well , i have learned about facebook. But had i not seen what was on there ,i would never have found out about the lies.I doubt if they would ever have told me the truth.

Bucharest Tue 02-Jun-09 14:10:13

Family, at the end of the day, is nothing more than shared dna. Sometimes it's a good thing to have, sometimes it's better not to have it at all.
You deserve better.
Stick with your friends, maybe members of the family who haven't treated you like shit, your children.....
Be good to yourself, and don't beat yourself up about these people.

RumourOfAHurricane Tue 02-Jun-09 14:14:27

Message withdrawn

Dalrymps Tue 02-Jun-09 14:21:35

You don't need these people in your life. I'm surprised you've gotten this far without serious psychological damage. Your childhood sounds awful! Poor you sad. My parents are toxic but have never been as bad to me as that and I have still cut them out of my life.

You should only have relationships in your life that you get something from, it doesn't sound like you get anything but stress, worry guilt and sadness from these relationships.

You deserve much much better! Concentrate on your family, ie your husband and children and close friends you can trust. You will be much happier for it. You don't owe these awful people anything.

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