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Half an AIBU and half a WWYD, but come and advise please?

(58 Posts)
Aimsmum Mon 01-Jun-09 15:33:54

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OhBling Mon 01-Jun-09 15:37:36

I do not understand why you would accept his request that you keep it secret? What do you owe him? he has behaved appallingly badly but you are protecting him by not telling his family?

YANBU to want to say something to his family, but I'd do it as a more considered than bitchy approach. Call his sister. Tell her you're sorry to bring her into this but he had promised to pay for the party AND maintenance, he hasn't done either and you're struggling and please can she a) pass any money she owes him straight to you as he said that was going to be yours anyway and b) speak to her brother.

BouncingTurtle Mon 01-Jun-09 15:38:25

No - I wouldn't have been so restrained as you have been.
I would definitely text her, at the very least his family need to know he has a very serious problem.

MissisBoot Mon 01-Jun-09 15:39:31

NYANBU to text his sister - but don't expect it to change the outcome.

How terribly sad for your dd and frustrating for you.

Aimsmum Mon 01-Jun-09 15:40:18

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ilovetochat Mon 01-Jun-09 15:42:28

i would contact his sister, even if she hasnt got his money his family should know.
In future tell him to do his own partys and do not invite him to anything unless he pays well in advance.

Nancy66 Mon 01-Jun-09 15:42:57

I would also be letting his family know that he does not contribute. He doesn't want them to know because he's ashamed - as he should be. Shame might be the only thing to make him pay up.

AddictedtoCrunchies Mon 01-Jun-09 15:49:13

I agree. Shame may work although I'm not sure whether it will with an addict?

Sorry not much to add but wanted to add my bit.

lizziemun Mon 01-Jun-09 15:52:10

I would text along the lines of

"X has asked me to contact you as he is havins difficulties contacting you, about the £50 you are looking after for him. He has asked that you pass this to me, to go towards the cost of dd party and maintenance he owes from last Nov."

FabulousBakerGirl Mon 01-Jun-09 15:54:44

I wouldn't involve his sister and would do everything officially with regards to money. He can afford holidays, and to blow £700 (got from where???) , he can afford maintenance for his child.

WinkyWinkola Mon 01-Jun-09 15:59:16

What a loser. And I feel so sorry for you and your DD being continually let down by this bum.

You should broadcast what he's done to his family. His habit will thrive on the secrecy and he'll just carry on, wreaking destruction wherever he goes.

Contact his sister. Not by text. Call her so that there can be no misunderstanding.

Gather together some Gamblers Anonymous literature and post it to your ex, if only for your DD's sake.

And never, ever, ever allow him to raise your expectations again. He will only let you down especially when it comes to money.

Thank goodness your DD has you to make sure she's well looked after and financially sound.

MummyDragon Mon 01-Jun-09 16:54:38

I'm with FGB on this one - don't involve the family unless you really, truly, honestly think it will do some good. Do it all above board and legally. Pain in the @rse I know, but you need to continue to take the high ground on this one. You sound so strong and brave; I am fully of admiration for you and I really hope that things work out with maintenance etc.

Your DD is very lucky to have a mum who sounds as sorted and loving as you are.

Aimsmum Mon 01-Jun-09 17:13:04

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Aimsmum Mon 01-Jun-09 17:18:39

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Ineedmorechocolatenow Mon 01-Jun-09 17:19:35

I know it's petty, but I'd second what others have said and let his family know. I'd be fuming!

From now on, don't rely on anything he says with regards to money. If he says he's going to pay for something, tell yourself he isn't.

Hope you have some luck with the CSA.

Podrick Mon 01-Jun-09 17:43:37

OMG poor you, how incredibly unfair this is.

I think the CSA is a sensible decision and I really hope they can get hold of some of his earnings for you.

How old is your dd - do you tell her that he has a gambling problem and cannot control it so his promises are likely to be empty ones if they involve cash?

ingles2 Mon 01-Jun-09 17:52:01

Call your Mil Aimsmum.
Tell her it was lovely for dd to see her at the party and she's welcome to visit etc.
You also need to tell her about her son's gambling problem. You are only enabling his addiction by keeping secrets for him that make him appear to be functioning normally.
He's not!
His family need to know,.

bigchris Mon 01-Jun-09 17:55:53

I would call his parents, say that you hope they had a wonderful time at the party and that you feel rotten for doing this but that exp didn't come up with his half of the money for the party and now your dd is going to have to go without

Then mention that you know he is on holiday and do they have anyway of contacting him to get his half of the money

sad

MissSunny Mon 01-Jun-09 18:01:25

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Aimsmum Mon 01-Jun-09 18:06:38

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Ineedmorechocolatenow Mon 01-Jun-09 18:09:09

100k?! shock bloody hell! That's unbelievable!

ingles2 Mon 01-Jun-09 18:10:30

so his family came to the party but didn't speak to you?????
ok....
Why not use this as a chance to build bridges then.
Phone her and say it was lovely to see her....
or would she put the phone down or something?

Aimsmum Mon 01-Jun-09 18:31:10

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Aimsmum Mon 01-Jun-09 18:36:16

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Jux Mon 01-Jun-09 18:55:43

Dob him in it. You owe him nothing.

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