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to want a coping strategy for dealing with dd's best friends' mum?

(13 Posts)
vaseofwildflowers Mon 01-Jun-09 04:00:11

I am at a loss to know what to do with a new mum who seems to delight in belittling me and excluding me from social gatherings despite the fact we share a similar social circle.

I am trying not to be paranoid at this but dd has a birthday party coming up and while others have indicated they are coming, this particular mum has not.

The other problem is she lies to me about not receiving text messages and when she had a good moan about someone last term and I tried to help her she actually turned against me instead.

I'm a bit bewildered to be honest, she never texts or phones when she says she will, never invites dd around despite inviting others around and yet always likes to say our dds are best friends (they actually are).

I have had her dd around many times, and her family, husband etc but there has been no invites from her despite promises.

As we share a similar social circle I don't want to alienate her as she is quite popular but I am new too and realise she is toxic to my self esteem.

Coping strategies please!

ClaudiaSchiffer Mon 01-Jun-09 04:22:47

Blimey she sounds a right cow.

I would advocate a stance of polite distance. Don't get yourself involved with this woman she sounds foolish and manipulative. Keep inviting her dd round if she is your dds friend but expect nothing back. Don't try to help her - the vile mum I mean - Ignore her silly behaviour as far as you can. Be polite but just don't get involved with her. Don't expect anything of her so you wont be disappointed.

Ugh to the silly woman.

quinne Mon 01-Jun-09 06:09:37

Maybe she is just bad at organising herself/ has poor manners and the only thing that really happened was that she turned on you that time? As a result are you more sensitive to her than the other mothers in your group although they will probably begin to notice the poor manners eventually too?
Has she had other children round often?

Longtalljosie Mon 01-Jun-09 06:47:51

What Claudia said. It sounds like the woman has low self-esteem. Only insecure people behave in that weird fashion. Be pleasant, but don't offer her any more than you get in return. When she's less sure of you, she'll be nicer.

vaseofwildflowers Tue 02-Jun-09 02:48:40

Yes I overheard her organising for others to come round over.
Really stung! I don't feel like being polite but I will continue to be, (on the surface). I will check my own social skills too smile.

Bobblebuddy Tue 02-Jun-09 08:13:17

Take the high road on this one. You can't change the way she behaves, you can only change the way you react to it and the impact it has on you. If you don't want her to zap your energy and self esteem, you need to rise above it so it becomes a total non-issue.

Ignore her behaviour and just act the way you know is right. Treat her the way you would like to be treated, be ther better person, lead by example, etc etc.

Make a point of not giving her any way to pretend she didn't get your text, etc - so deliver party invites on paper to their door or hand to her personally at the school gates, be pointed about inviting her dd round and how nice it is for them to spend time together, etc. Be the super mum in front of her, and maybe she will start feeling her own self-esteem start to drop for not returning the favours, and will start to pick up her slack a bit. If not, at least you can feel righteous for being the better person.

If you are new in the circle, this will also help others to see that you are a positive person who won't be dragged into silly bitchiness or dragged down by someone else's bad behaviour, and will help separate you from 'the toxic one' in people's perception. They will probably see you as a breath of fresh air in an otherwise quite toxic situation.

I have tried this with a family member who is really lame and used to really cloud my days with their bullshit poor behaviour, and now I just rise above it and see it for what it is - trivial waste of my time and energy - and it has totally taken the wind from their sails, and freed me from the constant analysing and fretting over their behaviour.

As I said, you can't change her behaviour, but you can make yourself feel better about it by separating yourself away from her silliness and just living your own life in the best way possible. smile

seriously, life is too short to get bogged down by silly things and people like this. Just trivialise her and her behaviour in your mind, she is not worth it. wink

2rebecca Tue 02-Jun-09 08:17:43

I'd phone her on the house phone. I don't really expect adults to text me and if I'm not at work my mobile is rarely looked at. If I want to contact someone I'd usually contact their house phone and leave a message or speak to them. It's probably an age thing though as I'm over 40.
I've never been good friends with my kids' friends parents. We're just polite to each other and arrange to take it in turns to give the kids lifts, have them round etc. Maybe you have to accept she's never going to be a good friend and find people who are.

vaseofwildflowers Tue 02-Jun-09 18:45:53

She declined dd's b'day invite so did someone else close to her in the 'circle' so I will take note and rise above it as there are others who are lovely and are coming.

I like your advice smileand will just do as you say!

NooNoo5 Sat 06-Jun-09 11:23:33

She sounds awful. I agree with Claudia Schiffer stay clar (politely if you can)you'll soon suss out who the 'decent' mums are. If she behaves this way, can't imagine how the dd will turn out.

poshsinglemum Sat 06-Jun-09 12:01:00

I have a ''friend'' like this. She is always bitching about other mums and putting down their parenting. I know she's doing it to me too. Thinks she's the Queen Bee. Insecure I reckon.

Ignore, ignore, ignore and rise above it. Neither you or dd need her.

poshsinglemum Sat 06-Jun-09 12:02:48

Also just because she is popular does not mean she should be. Other mums are probably afraid of her. She needs taking down a few pegs imo- don't be afraid to voice your annoyance!

AliGrylls Sat 06-Jun-09 12:19:32

My coping strategy would be to just leave her to it. Invite her dd over but don't invite her or her family unless it is part of a larger social arrangement like a party where it would almost be rude not too. That way she won't be able to get to you.

Anyway, how do you know she is popular? She might be one of those people that is really good at conveying a certain image but everyone secretly thinks "pain in arse".

captainpeacock Sat 06-Jun-09 12:19:47

I had this when dcs were younger. It was very distressing. Everybody that I got close to this person made a bee line for and got in between my friendships. I had no choice but to ignore it and just try to get through that time in my life. Some of the mothers I knew at that time were lovely and took no notice of her and I just focussed on them. My dcs are now 12 and 13 and it still makes me shudder when I think back to that time, but things move on and change and you will get through.

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