To be annoyed at friends judgeyness?(27 Posts)
I had a big barbeque party at my house yesterday, and one of my friends, who is about ready to give birth any minute, suddenly got ill and threw up. I went into the house and my friend and her boyfriend were saying "oh, it was probably that glass of wine she had, if i was pregnant I wouldn't go anywhere near alcohol, it's not like it's hard to have soft drinks for nine months" I was so angry! I am pregnant, and they know full well i have the odd shandy or whatever, and so did the two other women in the room who have had kids. Of course judgey-pants friend has never had kids.
Friend is always saying what she would do if she had kids or was pregnant, and has a few times implied that i am a rubbish mother and she would do things differently. I'd like to see how she behaves when she does finally have kids, and how upset she gets when everything doesn't go exactly to plan!
I don't think anyone (unless it is an actual case of abuse) actually sets out to hurt their kids, everyone is trying to do their best, and judgeyness doesn't help anyone! On here it is a bit different, because it isn't your actual friends so it doesn't matter as much, but in RL people really should think before they open their thick, ill-informed mouths.
happens all the time - and it is easy when you don't have DC to think that you will be oh so much better and do things oh so differently - and then you have them and it all goes out the window!
Your friend is being smugly ignorant; just sit back and wait until she is in the same boat and remind her of how up herself she was!
Alcohol is no more likely to make you ill when you are pregnant as when you are not. Unless everything is making you ill, which I truly hope it is not if the friend in question is ready to give birth at any moment (tends to be an early pregnancy symptom right?).
Ah, the best thing to do is to laugh (in slightly patronising fashion) and say "Oh I used to say things like that before I was a parent."
Although I think she has a good point;
"its not like its hard to only drink soft drinks for 9months"
It isn't hard at all is it really.
I would have kept my mouth shut because if people want to drink then they will drink and commenting on it under those circumstances only pisses people off.
I feel when I think back to some of the things I thought (but thankfully never said) before I became a parent.
Its just the same when i listen to people with babies who say, oh mine won't do that when he/she is older, i just smile to myself, very easy to judge when your lo is still a baby
YANBU - I think everybody should be aware that unless they have experienced or are going through a situation themselves they don't really have any idea how they would react or behave themselves - doesn't matter what stage of parenting you are at.
It is just a question of tact isn't it - you can think what you like but just don't say it out loud!
(Maybe your sick friend is in the early stages of labour - that can make you sick can't it? Have you heard from her today?)
If she's about to give birth and suddenly threw up, that can be a sign that labour is imminent so it is pretty ignorant to suggest that the drink was the cause. It is also quite rude because whatever the cause of the vomiting, nothing can be done about it - it's happened.
I didn't drink when I was pregnant with either of my kids (I have plenty of failings so I am not being smug!) and it is not difficult to abstain from alcohol for 9 months (IME). However, I would never say anything to any other pg woman who decides to have a drink and I never said anything to drinking pg friends before I'd had my DCs. She was extremely rude to voice this opinion, but the opinion itself is correct - it isn't hard to abstain for 9 months.
Rise above it.
Then when this judgey friend has her own DCs smile to yourself as you remember what she used to say.
Oh dear this thread is going to turn...
IMO it was extrmely rude of your friend to say that.
I agree with Hecate, although we actually gave up saying 'just you wait.....' we said it so often.
I'm pretty sure though that before I had children I would think 'how could they let their children blah blah blah'. Wouldn't have ever never said it out loud though
"I'd like to see how she behaves when she does finally have kids, and how upset she gets when everything doesn't go exactly to plan!"
Unrealistic expectations of pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood are often at the root of PND I suspect. I had fairly mild and short lived PND but I remember sitting on the bathroom floor with a 3 weeks old DD sobbing 'I wanted a nice baby, not one that cries all the time'.
So if she does have kids, please be nice to her, despite her judgeyness.
Excellent post rolo
I had extremely low expectations and am pretty sure they are what saved me.
Maybe they need to rethink ante-natal classes
Yep, having very low expectations is the key to happiness in all things imo!
YANBU - I hate that sort of behaviour. It is not even so much the "judgeyness" as you put it, it is the stripping of civil liberties that occurs when one is pregnant annoys me, ie, don't eat this, don't eat that, do this, do that. The number of times I have sat in restaurants and there has been that look when i drink a glass of wine (which is probably the first to be had in 3 weeks) which says "you are abusing your child". It is almost like pregnant women don't have any rights anymore over their body. Really annoys me
The other thing - everyone thinks they are an expert at everything nowadays, including parenting. Everyone has a view on the best way to do things. I am already being told by people how to rear my unborn child, even though I feel it is up to me and DH what we do (who is due tomorrow )
KingRolo You are right about unrealistic expectations and anxiety/depression. Perfectionism is a common source of unhappiness, and the lack of controllability of life with DCs come as a great shock to lots of us.
Rolo i honestly thought that babies cried all night every night for at least a year. And that BF was the most painful difficult thing you could do, and I would be crying while doing it for months.
So when BF was fine and she only cried for 6 hours a night I thought that all my xmass had come at once!
Maybe we should start a new ante-natal service...
Regarding your friends 'judgeyness'. You are entitled to your opinion about drinking when pregnant and she is entitled to her views (regardless of whether she has or has not had kids).
Personally I did not drink with either of my pregnancies and I would encourage others not too (as the advice seems to keep changing). As others have said it is only for 40 weeks.
Horrible thing to have said. Did they know you and others could hear them? Did they act at all embarrassed at being overheard or were they being smug bastards?
And to those who have also agreed on here about the sentiment, if not the action, please consider those whose social life does, whilst not actually revolving around alcohol, include it and friends who consume it. I have enjoyed the odd glass of wine here and there, with no problems or judgeyness, and have had two friends pregnant at the same time as me who have also had the odd glass, so maybe I have been lucky.
But TBH, if your social life includes meeting friends in the pub, lime and soda gets awfully boring after a while. Pubs really need to get more choice of non-alcoholic drinks and at a decent price! Having been in the pub game myself a few years ago, I am very aware of the excessive GP on soft drinks to counter the low GP on alcohol. And if you have people over for dinner, then you can have all the soft drinks you want, but it doesn't help when all and sundry and getting happily merry beside you whilst you are stone cold sober.
Though saying that, Somerfield and Waitrose do a very nice (for what it is ) alcohol-free red wine. At least then you feel like you're joining in.
Ah the american model dingle. So you approve of people openly telling people at a BBQ that they should not have one glass of wine if they are pg? You don't believe in keeping your thoughts to yourself on these matters?
Alcohol free red wine? Does it taste like red wine?
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