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to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

(630 Posts)
macherie Sun 31-May-09 20:43:21

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

wrinklytum Sun 31-May-09 20:45:22

YANBU,sounds quite unfair and unworkable.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad Sun 31-May-09 20:45:44

I'd say no to any of the children going if it were me. It's a horrible thing to do. It's not as if she'll cry etc through the wedding, 5 isn't a baby! I wouldn't go at all infact.

Tillyscoutsmum Sun 31-May-09 20:46:01

My SIL did similar...Me, Dh and dd2 were invited but dsd wasn't (she had a no children over 1 rule). We didn't go.

I have no issue with people having child free weddings at all but to invite some dc's but not their siblings is madness imho

janeite Sun 31-May-09 20:46:11

That's horrible. I'd be tempted to not go at all tbh.

llareggub Sun 31-May-09 20:46:47

Sounds incredibly mean to me. I'd be browsing the web looking for a holiday right now. I can (just) understand people deciding on no children at all but to arbitrarily ban those aged under 6 seems odd.

Or you could go anyway and make sure your boys act as if they are under 6.

BananaFruitBat Sun 31-May-09 20:47:19

I wouldn't go to the wedding, and nor would I let the other children go. And I'd let everyone know why.

Kayzr Sun 31-May-09 20:47:31

I wouldn't go. That is just horrible.

Morloth Sun 31-May-09 20:47:40

You are right, her wedding her choice.

I think though in this case your DD's feelings are pretty important. I wouldn't mention the wedding at all to them and definitely book a holiday away if that is an option.

Alternatively don't show your DS's the invite and tell all the kids it is a child free wedding? Or is the news that other kids were there likely to get back to them?

I do think it is a bit rude/mean to invite some of the children in a family and not all of them. It is an all or nothing situation in my opinion.

thisisyesterday Sun 31-May-09 20:48:16

how horrid!
i would just reply saying sorry, we can't come as it isn't fair on dd.

Monkeyandbooba Sun 31-May-09 20:48:45

That is awful shock your poor DD, what does DH think?

macherie Sun 31-May-09 20:50:16

Thank you, I was worried that I was being over sensitive!

I think it's just so mean, dd is well able to understand what's going on, it's not as if she's too little to understand.

What really gets me is that I'm always helping SIL out with childcare etc - it's just so damn mean sad

FluffyBunnyGoneBad Sun 31-May-09 20:52:05

With children, it's either invite them all or invite none of them. Your dd is old enough to feel left out, this isn't fair on her. Poor thing. Take them all to Alton Towers or Legoland instead.

MollieO Sun 31-May-09 20:52:09

What an arbitrary age ban. 5 is easily old enough for a child to sit still and pay attention and be quiet in church. In fact if you want to ban children at all from a wedding then under 4 would make more sense (from a sitting still, being quiet perspective). Also at 5 they will know what is going on and be very upset not to be invited. I wouldn't go to the wedding if the same happened to me. I also think girls really love going to weddings (pretty dresses) whereas boys don't seem bothered ime.

Heated Sun 31-May-09 20:53:06


The holiday idea sounds very tempting - why should your dd have to go through that upset, it sounds rather bridezilla to my way of thinking. Am surprised dd's not a bridesmaid tbh. The 'alternative' would be for none of the dcs to go.

Pack your cozzies!

macherie Sun 31-May-09 20:53:07

Monkey, dh is really fed up about it too, but we're thinking that he might go alone, it is his sister after all.

Bloody hate my inlaws, they are all totally dysfunctional.

paisleyleaf Sun 31-May-09 20:53:29

I can't quite believe how horrible that is!
Almost lie she's plucked 'age 6' out of the air....on purpose.
(could she be silly enough to be jealous of being upstaged by a cute little girl)?
I don't think you can go.....or maybe just your DH go?
You and DH could go with no DCs, but I bet you don't much feel like it now, and who'd blame you?

macherie Sun 31-May-09 20:55:05

I had bought her this to wear sad

MIAonline Sun 31-May-09 20:55:57

I also have no problem with no children rules at weddings if that is what people want to do but to invite 2 children and not your DD is just ridiculous.

I think it is unfair on your DD, who at age 5 will have a very strong sense of fairness! Either they should all go or none at all.

What next? The rules for weddings are getting stranger and stranger by the minute, judging by some of the threads on here. grin

CarGirl Sun 31-May-09 20:56:16

That is so mean, even if there is a no under 6 rule then where it's siblings and family children you see most days surely you'd make an exception!

Just send DH!

ScaredOfEverything Sun 31-May-09 20:58:02

yanbu. this is incredibly crass.

if it wasnt close family id say "feck'em" but this is indeed tricky.

Unforch i think you have to go childless so the poor wee dd doesnt feel left out

tessofthedurbervilles Sun 31-May-09 21:00:12

I am normally a total 'its the brides call' on the kids wedding thing.....but that sounds really mean! I feel for your dd and I personally would not go.

CarGirl Sun 31-May-09 21:01:08

I think I'd ask her in front of all your children and your MIL why your dd isn't made an exception to the rule!

Actually can dh speak to MIL and see what she thinks of this?

macherie Sun 31-May-09 21:02:24

What makes it so bad is that I have to see SIL every day, otherwise I could just RSVP and forget about it.

Why cause so much upset and bad feeling for the sake of one little girl at a wedding?

macherie Sun 31-May-09 21:07:29

Dh is actually at MILs now with SIL, I suppose I'll hear the full story tomorrow.

The ILs and I would have rather different ideas about parenting, leaving their dc with whoever will mind them for a few weeks while they go off on holiday (often me who does the minding hmm)

Dh and I just don't do that kind of thing, so consequently we are the odd ones.

This just oversteps the mark though.

My gut tells me to let dh go if he wants to and take the dc off for the day.

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