to be annoyed with my mother!(20 Posts)
To be fair I have a prickly relationship with her most of the time. She's high maintenance and quite critical. She rang asking what my 3 year old would like for her birthday. She wants to buy her her first bike but we are doing that so she was a bit 'hmph'. So I suggested a Peppa Pig car thing but no that wasn't expensive enough apparently - 'she's my grandaughter you know!
So was annoyed at that. Then said I had bought DD some Crocs for messing around in the garden. 'They're not hurting her feet are they?' WTF! I said no so she said 'how do you know?' WTF again! Because she would tell me and why would they hurt her anyway! Does she think I can't buy my own DD some shoes that fit!
DI know these are just little things but god she pisses me off!!!!!!!
YANBU at all IMHO, as your relationship with your mother sounds similar to mine. When you say "Does she think ... shoes that fit..", I would suggest that the answer is "No, she doesn't think at all and seem to have no capacity to consider the effects that her off-hand remarks have on others". Try to rise above it, if at all possible.......
I think you have deeper issues here and are using your dd and mum as weapons.
Your mum is no being unreasonable about the gift, you are.
My mum got and still gets e ormous pleasure from my children, who are now aged 19, 21 and 24.
I love the close relationship she has with them, and all the milestones we've shared as a family.
I think you need to lighten up, sorry.
bradford mum, have you read the same OP as me?!?!? i think the DEEPER ISSUES comment was out of order!! a total assumption, and you what they say about ASSumptions!
fifi i think the present thing is not unreasonable on your part, you should be the one to buy your DDs first bike, and your mum should realise that and why.
WRT the shoes i can sort of see your mums point as i always think they look like they would rub, so perhaps that was genuine concern, however if she is forever questioning you then i can see why you would be annoyed, some mothers just have a hard time realising, we're the mums now!!
I think I understand where you are coming from. Does it feel like she can't let go and let you be a parent? Does she also tell you how she would do things all the time, even though you maybe wouldn't do things her way?
I am almost dreading the birth of my first child because my mother said to me the other week "I will come over all day every day for the first 2 weeks to help you" (omg, I love my mum but I can imagine spending 8 hours a day being told I was holding him wrong etc really frustrating); she also said to me the other day "what will my role be in your labour". Well let me think - I can't imagine you pushing for me. I know she is excited but it is taking it a little too far.
I have got to the stage where I just pay lip service and pretend to listen but ultimately do my own thing (in relation to absolutely everything). After all it is your child and you are the parent.
TBH your mum's comments don't sound too bad but it's all in the tone, isn't it? The fact she wants to buy your DD an expensive gift is lovely, and the fact that she cares enough to ask if her shoes rub could be sweet, but if she's using these things to make you feel criticised then it's just plain annoying!
I agree that some grandma's find it hard to switch off the parenting role, and let us get on with it. Is there anyway you could pick her up on it when she says things that seem critical? Does she realise why you're annoyed? Can this relationship be improved or are you going to have to learn to live with it?
fifitot, as someone who shares your pain, just thought I'd offer my mum's latest 'piss me off' comments... I'm currently 39+4 days pregnant and on the phone on Friday she kept saying that she's got this feeling that this is going to be a 'very big' baby. Given that me and it's dad aren't and my dd was 6lb 6oz, I'm not sure where this Mystic Meg insight comes from, just 'mother's intuition' according to her.
Also very aware of my 'deeper issues' etc etc, and not asking for opinions, just wanted to say 'you're not alone' and I can appreciate how subtly someone can rub you up the wrong way. Over and over again.
AliGrylls- My mum said that about the first fortnight too! In the end, she was busy!!! It took a while for us to establish the balance between her being supportive and interfering but I can tell you now I wouldn't be without my mum- her keenness means that I get all the help I need which has been a Godsend. So don't worry too much; if you have a good relationship with your mum I'm sure you'll be able to thrash it out!
If you have a prickly relationship I'm not surprised you find it annoying.
I find my mother's near constant 'she needs to have a cardigan on' drives me utterly batty - even though I know she is genuinely worried DD is cold. It's just that I know she is not and the repeated question feels like her questioning her ability to know if my child is cold or not!!
But then we also have a very strained relationship. I'm sure if we got on better it wouldn't bother me.
Singalong, I know you are right. An overenthusiastic mother is better than not having any support. I just find her a bit much at times.
She was a senior manager in her last job and I can't help feeling she never really left that role behind when she retired.
Thanks for your replies. I DO have issues I think but then so does she!
Examples of things she has done:
Nearly stamped her feet and huffed off when told her she couldn't invite 10 of her friends who I have never even met to my wedding at the expense of actual friends of mine. 'You've ruined the wedding' she said.
Openly states she is jealous of my DD spending time with my inlaws on the one week a year she sees them. My mum sees my DD monthly at least. (lives away)
Told me my friends were 'sad' because they are independently weathly and choose not to work as don't need to. She hasn't even met them.
Gave my DD her very first xmas present by sweeping in on xmas morning and said very clearly...'I am giving my GD her very first xmas present'. And sod mum and dad it seemed.
After a m/c I had, I found out the whole extended family knew, they had been openly discussing it even though I asked her not to. And she still didn't think she'd done anything wrong when I challenged her! She told me I had a problem and was weird. Because I don't want to dicuss my personal issues with people I hardly ever see?
Despite me telling her not to buy baby things until near the birth of DD due to previous m/c, kept on buying and telling me this, scoffing that I was nervous about the pregnancy and telling me I was ruining it for her.
When DD arrived she came to visit with loads of gifts from her friends (who again I have never met) which was lovely but proceeded to make me write out 20 thankyou cards on that day as she needed to send them asap she said. It was a day after the birth, I had no sleep and struggling to breastfeed. She was worried her mates wouldn't get a thankyou card.
Listen I could go on. She's my mother but she's hard work. She never sees anyone else's side. No empathy. Very selfish I think.
hmm she does sound a bit high maintenance TBH
My family are a bit like this really but I let the vast, vast majority of it wash over me. This is since I have realised that they are never going to change and the only one who gets wound up is me - not them.
That said, I have a newly acquired set of pregnancy hormoes in my system so at the moment anyone seems to be fair game !
Goodness and I thought my mother was bad.
I understand exactly how you feel. My mum is sweet and generous and loves my DS to distraction but she takes over to the point that sometimes when we're out together I feel like my son's big sister.
'Are you gong to give him a drink now?'
'He doesn't want to read that book?'
'Is this child having a bath tonight?'
To give you an example of frequent comments.
I have tried alking to her about it on two occasions and both times have ended in disaster ... not talking for days, her saying 'well maybe I should just not see DS anymore if you don't like us being close etc etc'
I hate seeing her at the weekend for this reason. I don't think she understands that I work all week so it's very important to me that I can enjoy my son when I can. I want to give him his lunch etc. She looks after him on a Tuesday so has him all to herself then.
Sometimes when we're together she holds him the whole time and visibly ruffles when I ask for him back.
Sorry to hijack rant, but I feel your pain and it's reminding me of my own!
At least your mum is at a distance. Mine lives round the corner.
MyGoldenNotebook - sounds similar to mine!
In some ways if she was nearer to me might be easier as the monthly trips are sort of concentrated, here all weekend sort of thing.
At least if she lived nearer she would not be there 24/7 and the contact would be less intense.
I also know what you mean about trying to talk about it. I have tried in an adult fashion to do this but it always ends in a row with her saying something like yours does.
my mum was just as insistent about her role during my labour. I was equally as insistant that she didnt have one. She was not there and the midwifes and dh were under strict instuctions to NOT let her in at any cost.
I know how you feel fifi,my dad actually doctored invites to my wedding,people he didnt like did not get their invite and a load of people i had never met before(18 in fact) took up 2 tables at my wedding and i never invited them,he admitted afterwards that he had tipexed names out and put theres in .
Some parents have a hard time relinqueshing control
Bloody hell Totally - that's realllllllllllly bad!
The funniest thing about my mum is that she was a midwife for a year and hated it. I have no idea why she thinks joining me in my labour would be any different. I have told DH not to tell her I am in labour until actually at the hospital.
Reading this I think all mums like to carry on thinking of their daughters (even when they are grown up) as their little girls and they can't cope when we grow up and develop a mind of our own.
Totallyfloaty, can't believe your dad did that. I think I would have to take a really long holiday from speaking to him if he did that.
<prepares to be flamed>
Notwithstanding the total irritation factor of Mums who insist on telling you what to do with your DC (and I do sympathise, really I do), surely though it's unnecessary to take it as a personal attack? They can't help themselves and at the end of the day, unless your mum lives with you (or next door), their obsessiveness once a week or whatever is just to be expected?
I find myself having to bite my tongue even when I'm just with friends who have babys. Not because I think they're bad mothers or that I would be better (Hell No!) but because we all have opinions and it's hard to remember all the time that the baby's mother is fine.
Having said that, OP, the thank you cards in particular from your mum just makes me . I'd have screamed at my mother and point blank refused to write anything of the sort.
The thing about parents like this is that even if it is only once a week that you are flooded with these comments, it makes you feel really bad and under-confident in your skills.
The thing I have learnt is the most important thing to bear in mind all the time is what I want for my family. So just because she wants to see baby girl every week without fail doesn't mean I have to agree. DP, DD and I getting a full day together at the weekend is much more important to me, so I won't be guilted into seeing her if I don't want to. Having longer breaks between spending time with her also makes it easier for me to say "I want DD back now," "no, she doesn't need that" etc, even when she is being insistent.
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