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DP really shocked by ds puching him

(10 Posts)
monkeypinkmonkey Sun 31-May-09 08:01:06

my ds is 3 and a bit had an awful day with him yesterday. In supermarket he picked up a garden flare dropped it and it broke. I asked dp to take him away from me for five minutes (I was having a bad day). Now ds punched dp 'square in the face' and his is shocked and horrorfied because when he did it he had a 'look' in his eyes which showed he really ment it. Now I need to know i'm I unreasonable for being pissed of at dp for thinking my ds did this on purpose, when i think at three he's not yet capable to understand what he is doing 100%
Now I don't condone that kind of behaviour but him being a toddler I expect at times he will hit, kick, scratch etc. Dp now believes it's not all that common. I just feel like he is labelling my ds as a difficult child.
Am I being pfb?
oh dp not ds father and doesn't live with us but we all very close- just think that might make a difference.

timmette Sun 31-May-09 08:18:30

My ds is the same age and knows hitting is wrong - he is not perfect and has hit once or twice and has done it on purpose and has straight away been in tears because he knows it's wrong.
So I think yes he can have done it on purpose and I would have disciplined him - but that does not make him a difficult child.
I think your reaction to dp is a bit unreasonable it was your ds who did the hitting not dp.

Sycamoretreeisvile Sun 31-May-09 08:21:23

Well, your DP should see the look in DD's eyes when she's having a "moment". She's only hit once when she was about two - but it was two hands simultaneously on either side of my face, VERY HARD. I was in a cafe, and I just put her in a time out in the corner of the cafe - I didn't care about the stares, she needed to know it wasn't acceptable. She was humiliated and she wailed but she eventually calmed down and it never happened again.

You are right, the look in the eye means noting - it just means that in that moment he was very angry.

Be wary your DP doesn't start to feel there is an "issue" between him and your DS. He may be imagining resentments that aren't there because he is not actually his dad. Some of your DP's reaction might be more to do with his own feelings? Just a guess. Go carefully if you intend to broach this with him.

We tend to be able to brush these things off more if we feel there is an unconditional bond of love between us and a child - sounds as though your DP isn't sure of this yet. And he has little experience with young kids.

OR, I am over analysing!

Just make sure any behaviour like that, especially at 3, is dealt with swiftly and consistently - no tolerance etc.

Can I ask what you did when he punched DP?

pjmama Sun 31-May-09 08:21:29

At 3 he's old enough to understand that that hitting is wrong, but probably doesn't have enough control over his emotions to stop himself sometimes. Your DP needs to understand this, but he also deserves to see you disciplining DS for doing it.

monkeypinkmonkey Sun 31-May-09 08:27:18

In the supermarket I took ds over to lady cleaning up his mess and made him say sorry, but my dp didn't tell me until an hour later that ds had punched him. I think it had passed by then. Iv'e woken up this morning with a new attitude and I've decided a zero tolerance policy! naughty step here we come.

timmette Sun 31-May-09 08:31:22

We have zero tolerance also there is no violence at all allowed and to be fair he hasn't hit etc in the last 4 months. I personally think it's the only route to go I know another little boy and his mum just says he is to young to control himself etc and he now does it all including spitting at her.

HecatesTwopenceworth Sun 31-May-09 08:38:45

I am quite sure he did do it on purpose. Kids that age do lash out on purpose! It's not because they are 'bad' but because they are toddlers! And toddlers hit out, in frustration, in anger, because their feelings overwhelm them and they are unable to sit down and discuss their emotions. They tend to not see outside themselves and how they are feeling, iyswim. Like pjmama says, they don't have the control over their emotions that older children and adults do.

It's not 'bad', it's just an opportunity to re-enforce that hitting is not appropriate.

Sycamoretreeisvile Sun 31-May-09 08:41:38

Yes, what timmette says.

You are doing him a MASSIVE favour by getting tough on no violence policy. So every time he wails and it feels harsh, just remember you are helping him get a handle of one of societies basic no nos. And helping learn respect for his fellow humans beans grin

Especially as presumably he's starting pre-school this september?

bubblagirl Sun 31-May-09 08:51:27

in all honesty when your stressed and on the receiving end of childs fist you do feel it was done on purpose but because your shocked and hurt that your child has done this for short time you forget there age and see the hit only

be supportive of your dp as it does hurt and when you are on the receiving end it hurts your feelings

i think part of you wants to stick up for ds but you also need to be supportive of your dp tell him its wrong and you will not stand for it and ds would have meant it but not in an adults way of thinking a childs frustrated way of thinking

they all go through these phases but need to be taught other ways of dealing with anger

monkeypinkmonkey Mon 01-Jun-09 07:29:30

Thanks everyone
we had a really good day yesterday the zero tolerance approach was hard work but I felt like I had the mental reserve to see my warnings through. I know it's all about me and I appologised to dp for not supporting him.

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