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To want some piece and quiet?!

(37 Posts)
feelingsillyandfoolish Sat 30-May-09 16:30:28

Posted a few weeks ago about teenage sons and today is no better. Sorry to moan but feeling down about it and them

18 year old has his friend round and both are acting like 12 year olds. angry They've eaten practically a whole loaf of bread and raided the fridge twice and he is showing off in front of his friend being so babyish and irritating. For about the past 15 mins he's been knocking some golf balls together which has been really p*ssing me off!

I got the camera out to video him to show him how annoying it was but he got very cross and called me a bully. He's so much taller than me, he towers over me and ordered i delete it, which i did

Feel totally threatened - he has no respect for me which i'm no doubt is my fault but i just don't know what to do.

I feel i cannot relax when he has friends over and never get any piece and quiet. Am sat here in tears again but feel like i am stuck in this situation with literally no way out

He won't get a job, he's 'getting fit' Nothing seems to work and i feel like his slave most of the time.

The only thing i have done which has worked is got him to wash all his own clothes, apart from that. he'll do nothing, doesn't work, and demands everything.

I'm sure there will be lots of people wanting to tell me what a failure i have been but i already know that and would really like any ideas to get out of this situation.

feelingsillyandfoolish Sat 30-May-09 16:31:52

Meant to add, am worried this had started to rub off on 14 year old (though his behaviour is generally much better and respectful than 18year olds most of the time)

LaurieFairyCake Sat 30-May-09 16:34:19

put them out, him and his mate. If they refuse to go call the police.

Sorry for you sad

BCNS Sat 30-May-09 16:58:19

he's 18.. he's an adult... If it were me.. I would tell him that living with you is now a priviladge and he needs to start behaving like and adult.. and being responsible...

if he doesn't he knows the other option.

it sounds like he's walking over you in your home. there is no need for it.

Quattrocento Sat 30-May-09 17:10:14

Ask him to leave home. He's old enough.

In this life we make choices, don't we? If he is choosing not to work or train for gainful employment, then I suppose it is his choice to live on benefits in relative poverty.

But think it is a thoroughly bad idea for you to support him in his idleness. Also bad for you to be ordered around in your own house.

monkeypinkmonkey Sat 30-May-09 17:13:04

I must admitt my gut insticnt is to say stop reacting to his demands. Tell him he is 18 and he now has to earn his keep, make him get a job to pay you his board. Prob a few of his friends will be doing the same?? If not get him down local housing office and put his name down on coucil list to scare him! grin
your'e not a failure, it's so easy to get into situations that get out of hand and we don't know how to solve.

RumourOfAHurricane Sat 30-May-09 17:14:06

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sarah293 Sat 30-May-09 17:15:55

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RumourOfAHurricane Sat 30-May-09 17:16:28

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RumourOfAHurricane Sat 30-May-09 17:17:43

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NotPlayingAnyMore Sat 30-May-09 17:17:48

If he eats your food, help yourself to what you like of his belongings.
If you don't like what happens when he has his friend around, don't let him into your house.

If he has no job, tell him to sign on. If he won't get either, chuck him out.

Either way, stop submitting to his demands. If he tries to threaten you into doing things ever again, tell him to stop or face the police being called.

You're not a failure but whatever you do you do from now on, you must follow through on your expectations and the consequences of him not meeting them!

Morloth Sat 30-May-09 17:26:26

I don't have any personal experience with teenagers. But if I was in this situation as he is an adult I would tell him:

1. His share of the rent/food/utilities is X amount.

2. That you will no longer be doing any things for him.

3. There is now a roster for cleaning communal areas.

4. His friends are welcome but you will not tolerate poor behaviour in your home.

He either accepts all of the above or he moves out.

No more discussion.

feelingsillyandfoolish Sat 30-May-09 17:26:38

shineoncrazydiamond, his dad is around but he doesn't get on with him (neither do i much of the time).

And if i'd said to him i wouldn't delete it, am sure he would have hit me. He's done it before, he's got a terrible temper some of the time. (Feel like i'm betraying him by saying that but sadly, it's true )

I never hit him and never have, so why he feels the need to hit people (Including his brother - saddens me

Morloth Sat 30-May-09 17:28:18

If you continue allowing him to treat you this way you are condoning his behaviour.

You can't change his behaviour but you can change how you react to/tolerate it.

RumourOfAHurricane Sat 30-May-09 17:30:20

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feelingsillyandfoolish Sat 30-May-09 17:35:03

His dad refuses to be involved in anything negative and i know he wouldn't support me.

There's not a 100% guarentee he would hit me but he does think with his fists before anything else and lashes out very easily
I don't want to kick him out as i'd feel too guilty, and certainly don't want to report him to the police as he'd never forgive me


Maybe i need to just change the way i react to his behaviour and be firm.

hercules1 Sat 30-May-09 17:36:52

I would get help. Honestly. He is old enough to look after himself and you need to be safe in your own home. I would report him to the police. HArd I know but hopefully in the end he will understand why. IS there anyway you can suggset he gets help for his temper?

RumourOfAHurricane Sat 30-May-09 17:43:29

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Quattrocento Sat 30-May-09 17:54:40

Hang on FSAF - you are enabling this situation and allowing it to continue - you recognise that - but you do not seem prepared to take any steps to stop it?

You do not and should not put up with being hit. Don't think it's good for your younger DS to be in a violent environment either. No-one thinks with their fists - what a saying - it almost tries to excuse the inexcusable. They HIT with their fists. First they hit you, then, because they've learned it's acceptable, they start hitting other people. You need to stop this stuff before someone gets really hurt.

readyfornumber2and3 Sat 30-May-09 18:02:26

I have no experience of parenting teenagers but your son sounds very much like my brother at that age.

He used to do what he wanted when he wanted and refused to show any respect for my parents, he also had a terrible temper and the final straw for my parents was when he trashed his bedroom and put a massive dent in my dads car because he got told no over something!!

They called the police and he was given a warning (they didnt want him arrested) and then they kicked him out (he was also 18)
It took him a few years to properly sort himself out (mainly due to bad girlfriend choices)
He is now 30, has a lovely girlfriend who he lives with and has a very respectable and high paid job that he has worked very hard to get.
He also has the utmost respect for my parents and has thanked them many times for throwing him out and making him realise his mistakes.

Just because you dont have him living with you doesnt mean you have to turn your back on him, and you will end up doing him bigger favours by helping him grow up than letting him make your life a misery and not achieving anything in life.

I understand its a difficult decision to make and you are worried about the fall out but do you really want this kind of life for yourself and your sons?

((((hugs)))) and hope you can get it sorted x

forehead Sat 30-May-09 18:23:02

OP kick him out . It is called tough love.

feelingsillyandfoolish Sat 30-May-09 18:57:58

thanks everyone.

Talked to him and gave him 4 rules that have to be followed: (Same for his brother)

1. Mutal respect - he treats me with respect and i'll do the same

2. He is not to think with his fists and is not allowed to hit, poke etc anyone including me and his brother

3. I will not be treated like a slave (Have told him i'll say no when he asks me for things)

4. He's got to 'earn' the right for certain privlages through helping in the house e.g. doing the dishwasher, hoovering, keeping his room tody etc. He will then get his rewards
e.g. lifts to parties, collection from parties, lifts to golf etc etc, pockey money etc.

How do you think that sounds? I know he's going to test me big time, i always give in so easily to his demands i need to be strong. Any tips?

Ineedmorechocolatenow Sat 30-May-09 19:18:18

That sounds good FSAF. What did you tell him the consequences would be if he didn't stick to the rules, other than withdrawal of privileges?

Has he left school / college this year?

When I was teaching, I dealt with kids like your DS a lot. They need consistent boundaries.

Good luck.

RumourOfAHurricane Sat 30-May-09 19:24:21

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RumourOfAHurricane Sat 30-May-09 19:25:51

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