...To expect monetary contribution from my DP??

[GrumpyMoo]

... In any form. I'm not asking for all his money to go off and spend as I like. But SOMETHING towards his keep would help. And how do I ask him NOW after we have lived together on and off (more off than on TBH) for nearly a year?? HELP someone. Need kick up the backside or somehting please??

[BonsoirAnna]

What is the situation? You are not clear enough for us to make a judgement.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

I'm not sure how this happens - but it has so...does he work? Does he have any major expenses like big debts, another house, maintenance? If not, you need to tell him you can't afford to run the house by yourself and he needs to give you £X weekly towards it. Say an amount you know he can afford and if he reacts with horror you know he's a freeloader. I really don't understand why he hasn't suggested it himself

[Lulumama]

depends on a lot

do you have children? are they his children too?

is he coming over, clearing out your fridge and leaving lights on all night?

definitely need more information and what sort of relationship you have.. if it is casual, or you are expecing marriage etc

living together on and off sounds complicated and unsettling

either shit or get off the pot, i would think, to be blunt.

[TrillianAstra]

If he lives there he should be paying. But we definitely need more info on your living situation.

[GrumpyMoo]

Sorry guys...Went to make soothing coffee... sigh didn;t think anyone would reply .ok hang on a bit and I'll fill in gaps...

[GrumpyMoo]

Sorry, this is a bit longer than I thought!! II met him a year ago, he was still in a messy separation, ie still living there but not LIVING there IYKWIM. He and I hit it off sooo amazingly well, soul mates you know? I had been divorced for 4 years (long time on my own, not trying to make excuses) 3 DC's from my marriage to my first and only relationship at the time (this one is only my second) ...

So there i am after a month, smitten, and I suggested he moved in with me instaed of spending lots of money on a flat when he needed every penny to pay for a course he was going to do to finally qualify and start work.

I was on single parent IS at the time and gave that up when he moved in, we never ended up with any money as a joint claim (he is on INCAP) even 4 months later (I was till paying for everything, food, rent etc despite not having any money and having his daughter over 3 nights a week so her mum could work her night shifts) we still hadn?t had any money in and ended up so tense and cross we split up.

Stupid argument that shouldn?t have ended up in splitting but I was so tense! I still don?t know how it happened because we had talked things over but?..

He never quite let me go though and we ended up back together a few weeks later (he was staying at his old house in the meantime) with promises that things would be different etc. My XH was emotionally abusive and controlling to the degree that I wasn?t even allowed to spend a penny without his say so!

So now I am incredibly controlling about my own money to the point where I would rather not be beholden to anyone else for money ever again.

I have tried to talk to my DP about all this and we do have other areas with problems but it is the money thing that continues to get me down. I wouldn?t mind but I?m struggling to feed us all) inc. his daughter who is staying 4 nights a week just now) and he is only worried about making it to his next football match

His courses have fallen through and I don?t know how much longer I can do this! But he makes me out to be so unreasonable about it all. Help???

[SerendipitousHarlot]

Bloody hell You're not being unreasonable AT ALL. He's taking the piss, and if he's making out that he can't see why, he's either incredibly stupid, or doing it on purpose.

The very fact that you have his dd over a few nights a week, and he's not contributing, is making me cross on your behalf

[Flibbertyjibbet]

Sorry but someone who sponges off you like this is not a soulmate.

(not that I beleive the soulmate thing anyway)

[GrumpyMoo]

TY. But HOW do i get him to contribute?? He seems to think making it to the footy is he reason for existing.

[Flibbertyjibbet]

Kick him out till he coughs up.

[oldraver]

So just where does your money come from ??

[GrumpyMoo]

Now how to get het up on my own behalf? This is the part I seem to be missing here.

[gizmo]

Can I be the first to say: Cocklodger.

He needs a sharpish wake up call. Unless you are interested in acquiring another, larger, child.

[gizmo]

Damn. If I want to be first to say something I obviously need to type faster!

[GrumpyMoo]

But HOW? God that sound as if I'm some small child who can't even have an argument. What si a reasonable amount?? He get £75 a week.

[TrillianAstra]

He should be paying for a proportion of the food, the rent/mortgage, and utility bills, as well as council tax if you have to pay it.

Could you start a discussion along the lines of 'now you're living here permanently I think we should talk about how our finances are going to work'?

Where does your money come from? Where does his money come from?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Dear god what an arsehole. He he taking you for a ride good and proper!

Not only is he not committed to you and your kids, he's also got you doing his childcare for him for his own kid.

You deserve something far far better than this - he sounds like an overgrown teenager.

Can I ask why you are still in this relationship? What are you getting out of it at the moment?

[GrumpyMoo]

I'm not all that shy when it comes to other areas but the money thing is a killer for me. Such a mess.

[TrillianAstra]

He egs £75 a week. What do you get? And what are the household expenses?

At the moment he has £75 a week to spend on himself, with all his food and household stuff taken care of. Do you have that much to spend on yourself? I doubt it.

Why can't he get a job?

[SerendipitousHarlot]

GrumpyMoo, if you are living together (which you are, to all intents and purposes) he needs to put ALL of his money in the pot. Then your money as well, and divide up what you need to pay for everything each. His football trips should be way, way down the list. And if he doesn't like it, I'd be telling him to GTFO, tbh.

What a facking liberty!

Never heard the phrase cocklodger before, either

[GrumpyMoo]

He's been living with me again since March, when I oved house, I thought if e had a fresh start... I don't know if it was such a mistake though. But then I don;t really know much anymore. He gets INCAP every other week, I am getting tax credits child benfit and maintenance for my 3 children. he does pay for the occaisional thing but nothing regularly I feel so stupid having to to come to you guys for this. I think I may have avoide this issue because I don;t want to feel like an idiot.

[TrillianAstra]

Don't feel like an idiot, lots of women get taken for a ride by men like this. The question is why do you think you deserve to be treated this way? Don't you think you deserve a relationship with an adult who is an equal partner in the relationship? Any decent man would want to make a contribution to the household, and not be a freeloader.