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AIBU?

In not being bothered one tiny bit that my uncle dropped dead today?

36 replies

itchyandscratchy · 14/04/2009 18:05

My dad rang this afternoon. His sister-in-law had run into his house (they live kind of next door but it's more like 2 plots of land, not bang next door) hysterical because my uncle was lying motionless in his shed.

My dad went to see and it was obvious he was dead. It was the first time my dad had spoken to my aunt for 5 years. He helped her into the house and rang 999 and stayed with her until the doctor, police and paramedics arrived then came home and rang me.

He was in shock a bit but generally ok. We both agreed that we're not that bothered, which is a bit bad I spose if someone has just dropped dead but my uncle was a right wanker, and my dad's not a hypocrite. We mused for a bit then my dad made a banoffee pie and went home.

The only things I can think are a) I hope my dad doesn't have a delayed reaction b) isn't it terrible that you live your life in such a way that only your wife is upset when you die?

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special2shoes · 14/04/2009 18:07

so if you are so not upset......why post?

watsthestory · 14/04/2009 18:08

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watsthestory · 14/04/2009 18:08

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valleysprincess · 14/04/2009 18:10

No YANBU, you're under no obligation to be upset. If you didn't like him why give it a second thought

MuffinBaker · 14/04/2009 18:11

And what is the point of you posting?

itchyandscratchy · 14/04/2009 18:11

Just musing I guess. Don't see that it's odd necessarily. More thinking about point b).

My dad was hinting that he thought he should feel a bit guilty being so matter-of-fact about it. And I do feel a bit weird feeling nothing about the person that's died. But I think it's more weird that you should have such an adverse affect on people.

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MuffinBaker · 14/04/2009 18:12

why?

not everyone can have a hugely postive effect on someone elses life.

special2shoes · 14/04/2009 18:12

so why post in aibu? sorry don't get it

HecatesTwopenceworth · 14/04/2009 18:12

No, not unreasonable. But I understand why you feel confused and maybe guilty? We are supposed to be terribly upset when a relative dies. People have all these silly expectations when the truth is - if you didn't love/know someone, then you aren't going to be devastated by the loss of them.

Sad for those who love them of course, but not personally grief stricken.

theDreadPirateRoberts · 14/04/2009 18:14

I think I see why you're posting. We're all expected to automatically grieve when someone dies (or even go into public hysterics for someone we've never met), but sometimes people die who just won't be missed...

Your dad might grieve later, but maybe more for the brother he didn't have, rather than the one he did?

Tinker · 14/04/2009 18:14

Was it your dad's brother or his sil's husband?

itchyandscratchy · 14/04/2009 18:14

what's the point of posting?
what's the point of posting anything on MN unless you're asking for help or advice?

I've just never had anyone in my family or that I know die and it not affect me in the 'usual' way. But even in posting this I spose I'm saying it's had some sort of effect. It feels very strange.

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theDreadPirateRoberts · 14/04/2009 18:17

If you want to hear that it's OK not to grieve, then

Itchy, it's OK not to grieve.

FWIW, when my grandmother died my only grieving was for my father's loss. (But she'd never liked me anyway)

TheFallenMadonna · 14/04/2009 18:18

So they live next to each other and haven't spoken for 5 years?

There must be some serious issues there surely? I would certainly watch out for a delayed reaction of some kind.

MargaretMountford · 14/04/2009 18:18

TheDreadPirateRoberts is spot on there I think.
Where did your dad make the banoffee pie though, at his brother's ? (sorry, it just intrigued me that he should make a pudding)

itchyandscratchy · 14/04/2009 18:18

It was my mum's brother. My mum died when I was young. He and she were like chalk and cheese and his first reaction to hearing that his sister had been killed in an accident was "Who's going to look after mum and dad now then?"

Yes, agree with theDreadPirate. There's a way we're sposed to be and it's just not happening. Think it might trigger more about my mum than anything for him, maybe. In writing this it's starting to make me think about the family history and what a negative effect he and his family had on my mum's life which was cut short. It seems very unfair that he went on to live his selfish life in this way for 30 years more than my mum.

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MargaretMountford · 14/04/2009 18:19

oh,sorry - it's your mum's brother,not your dad's.

itchyandscratchy · 14/04/2009 18:21

It seems quite comical now. My dad had promised to bring ingredients for banoffee pie to my house today so the dds could help him make it. So we had all the 'drama' of him recounting the morning's events when he came round and then the only thing left to do was to make the pie.

Yeah, the 5 years thing - my dad's not the 'Jeremy Kyle' type or anything; he's very reasonable and unflappable in everything else. He just decided that he didn't want anything more to do with my uncle and aunt after years of horrible behaviour on their behalf.

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theDreadPirateRoberts · 14/04/2009 18:22

Ah, yes, think some delayed reaction might be due then. It is unfair, as we tell our DCs life's not fair, but it doesn't make it sting less...

TrinityIsGettingABabyRhino · 14/04/2009 18:27

I have actually felt relieved in the same situation

dont feel guilty but I would keep an eye on your dad

itchyandscratchy · 14/04/2009 18:32

Very true.

My uncle lived a very greedy and selfish life, motivated by money. He lived in about 6 houses in his married life all of which formed a kind of ever-decreasing circle around my grandparents' house which came with a lot of land, like a big vulture waiting for them to die. My grandad had it written into his will that the house, land and most assets would go to my uncle, and was going to leave a sum of money to my mum (my mum and dad were but not bothered by it).

Then my mum died so my uncle put presure on his dad to change the will so that her family (my dad me and my brother) wouldn't get anything. Again - bothered

But then my grandad died suddenly leaving it all to my gran and she decided to change the will in our favour (no land or house just a sight more money). My uncle kicked off saying because my mum was dead, we weren't entitled to anything. Furthermore, because I was adopted (at birth), I shouln't even be considered family. Nice man.

So at this point my dad told my gran not to bother changing the will as it would be too much hassle for her life and that he could look after us just fine. My gran reluctantly agreed. when she died my brother and I got £5K each for which we were very grateful.

My uncle got an estate worth about 3 quarters of a million pounds.

(again - bothered )

One of his daughters has a history of mental illness so he disowned her. The other daughter moved away and hardly ever comes home.

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itchyandscratchy · 14/04/2009 18:34

I will keep an eye on my dad. I'll ring him first thing in the morning and see if he wants to come round again. We can make a cheesecake or something

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MadameCastafiore · 14/04/2009 18:36

I don't think I would blink an eye if my sad excuse for a father died and I want my stepmonster to suffer through some awful painful illness so no I think you are fine not being sad.

theDreadPirateRoberts · 14/04/2009 18:37

Sheesh - you'd be U to miss him!

Sending all the best to you and your lovely Dad

itchyandscratchy · 14/04/2009 18:42

He is lovely theDread.

Thanks very much. I'm getting upset now, but I think that's more to do with my dad. I love him so much and my uncle was such a tosspot. I feel sorry for his daughters.

That's another thing - he was gutted not to have had a boy and often said as much when we were all growing up in front of us all. He doted on my brother who has grown up to hate him after we learned all about the family history (my dad was very good about not telling us all this until we were adults). I've got to email my brother tonight: there won't be many tears shed there either!

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