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To expect our parents to BUTT OUT??!!

(398 Posts)
LavenderStar Wed 25-Mar-09 11:44:56

DP is Jewish but I am not. It has never been a problem, he was brought up in the faith but it isn't a big part of his life now, although he doesn't eat pork or shellfish. His parents are more religious, don't mix meat and milk, go to synagogue etc. but don't have any problem with the way he chooses to live his life now or with me.

Anyway I am 25 weeks and if we have a boy we decided to have him circumcised. It was never a big discussion between us, I actually prefer it (I think it looks nicer and somehow it seems more hygenic) and DP I think wants to do it more as a traditional thing than anything else and obviously every other man in his family has had it done. I think his parents might go so far as to get upset if we didn't although I don't know. But frankly it is nothing to do with his parents.

Anyway so my mother phones up today even though she knows we are going on holiday tomorrow and have a million and one things to do at home and at work, and I told my dad I would speak to her when I got back. Obviously though what she wanted to do was more important and she told me that she was phoning as something had been "bothering" her. She thinks circumcision is "an unecessary procedure" (to put a baby/child under anesthetic) and potentially dangerous (eg they could cut too much off). I actually don't know much about it but we would have it done in a hospital and I am sure it would be fine in this day and age. I am not sure what it has got to do with her anyway.

My parents don't have a religion and have always been very supportive of whatever I have wanted to do in life. I am not sure if she has started interfering now because I am pregnant or because it is actually something we need to consider more thoroughly. What does everyone think?

Also now I just think it will cause a problem between the families whatever we decide to do and everyone has always got on really well. I don't know why parents think they have the right to shove their opinions down our throat, it makes me really angry. DP's mother is already slightly neurotic and we already have to "manage" her, so I could really do without this, I feel like telling them BOTH to f* off!!

Or is it just my hormones? grin

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid Wed 25-Mar-09 11:47:40

You should do what is best for the child.

Please look into circumcision more deeply as you don't know much about it.

Not saying don't do it but you should look into it properly for your child.

Judy1234 Wed 25-Mar-09 11:48:47

I think is fundamentally wrong and breaches the rights of the chidl. It also changes sex for the man and it's not so pleasurable although of course they cannot tell.

But it sounds like you were quite happy with the idea so I think your parents should stay out of it.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Wed 25-Mar-09 11:51:53

Message withdrawn

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits Wed 25-Mar-09 11:53:47

YANBU to expect your parents to BUTT OUT.

YABU if you want a medical procedure on a child because you think it looks nicer and somehow it seems more hygenic. Do some research first.

Threadworm Wed 25-Mar-09 11:54:50

I respect the importance of a ritual to mark your a child's membership of a religious community. But I feel strongly that it is wrong to irreversibly mutilate a baby's body, especially to make an affiliation which may or may not be one he values when he is old enough to chose.

If I was the mother of a woman who was thinking of circumcising her child, this would be one of the very few areas where I would NOT try to shut up and leave the parents to their own decision.

missingtheaction Wed 25-Mar-09 11:58:58

There are two things going on here
- to circumcise or not to circumcise
- how to manage your various parents

Whether you do or don't should be your decision. So make it a serious, considered decision you can defend; do due diligence.

Then you need to help your various parents come to terms with whatever decision you make. They DO actually have the right to give you their opinion, that's what freedom of speech is all about, and in all decency it won't hurt you to do them the courtesy of listening to it. But it's their opinion, your decision - big difference.

Good luck! grin

MillyR Wed 25-Mar-09 11:59:23

I have always vowed that I would not make judgements if I become a Grandmother, but this is one issue where I would have to voice my disapproval. Circumcision should be a decision made by an adult male for himself. I don't believe a parent should have a right to do this to a child.

tessofthedurbervilles Wed 25-Mar-09 12:00:41

TBH your parents are voicing concern and I would do the same, putting a child through any medical procedure is a huge thing, if there were complications for example.
Listen to your parents but ultimately the decision is yours but remember they are interferring cos they care....

AMumInScotland Wed 25-Mar-09 12:02:16

It is not more hygenic, and reduces the sensitivity of the penis. Some adult men try to get their foreskin back because they are so unhappy with having been circumcised - there are slow and uncomfortable methods of encouraging the skin there to grow out a little. The foreskin is a natural protector for a very sensitive piece of the anatomy, developed over millions of years of evolution.

Please consider carefully whether you want to deliberately do this to your child - don't drift into it without finding out what it is really about and making a conscious choice to remove pieces from your baby.

Mumcentreplus Wed 25-Mar-09 12:06:41

I have no problem with circumcision ...I actually know quite a few younger lads who ended up with partial circumcisions at about 12/13 due to their fore-skin not growing to match their penis...but the decision is ultimately YOURS do not be bullied or guilt-tripped either way.

OrmIrian Wed 25-Mar-09 12:08:33

Well I agree with your mother.

But you didn't want mine or her opinion on circumcision so I too will butt out.

hercules1 Wed 25-Mar-09 12:09:46

WHy is it the op's decision to do this?

It's not her body. WHy not let her son decide himself when he is old enough to if he wants part of him cut off because it looks nicer and might be more hygienic.

I wouldnt be able to not say something about this either.

OrmIrian Wed 25-Mar-09 12:10:10

Just as a matter of interest, if you were deciding to get your child tattooed would you not expect your mother to express an opinion? Or anything else she beleives is damaging.

pigleto Wed 25-Mar-09 12:23:02

I wouldn't circumcise. and I didn't. But I do think that the father has some say in the matter.

I think you need a better answer than "it looks nicer" for your mum. And then thank her for her opinion and tell her you will think about it. It is not a frivolous decision.

You are going to have to prepare yourself for a lot more input from the grandparents. If you are lucky they will be taking a close interest in your child for many years.

dollius Wed 25-Mar-09 12:29:47

I do not think it is unreasonable of your mother to express her concern about this.

I agree with other posters who suggest you educate yourself a lot more about this issue before going ahead with it.

Is this your first child? If so, I suspect you may feel differently about this after he/she is born. I definitely could never have done something like this to my sons, although it might have seemed less awful in theory before the first was born, if you see what I mean.

Threadworm Wed 25-Mar-09 12:30:58

Your unwillingness to accept grandparental input -- even just the expression of an opinion -- does sound a little extreme.

And is there not some inconsistency in the view that your mother ought not to seek to change your mind, whereas you as a mother are entitled to irreversibly change your son's body?

pooka Wed 25-Mar-09 12:32:01

LIke others have said, you yourself admit that you don't know much about it, so perhaps the best thing is to read more and learn more about the procedure, potential impacts or side effects and so on.

I also have always thought that I would bow out of interfering in my children's lives when they become parents. But this is an issue that I would not be silent about, particularly if my daughter wanted to have it done on her ds because of aesthetic or spurious hygiene reasons. Also might be an idea to wait and see how you feel when your ds is born. I bet his willy will look perfect for him, so why impose your ideas about attraction and the aesthetics of a circumcised penis on him?

mummummac Wed 25-Mar-09 12:33:37

" i don't know why parents think they have the right to shove their opinions down our throat"

but you DO think that parents have the right to inflict unnecessary,permanent,life-changing (and frankly barbaric)surgery on their baby who is too young to even answer back?! beggars belief.

Talk is cheap, you can tell your mother to butt out. Circumcision is a whole different ball game - and should only be done on a consenting adult. Religious reasons just arent enough, what if he doesn't choose that faith?What if it goes wrong?


SarahL2 Wed 25-Mar-09 12:35:25

My Ex had a circumcision that went wrong and his penis looked awful. Even he referred to it as "Frankenpenis"! I know he wished it had never happened.

If you are not religous and neither is your husband then I think mutilating your child and putting him under a risky anaesthetic for a completely pointless operation that you know nothing about is just plain stupid.

Wigglesworth Wed 25-Mar-09 12:35:29

YANBU to want your parents to bog off, it isn't their decision. You don't appear to know that much about the proceedure and what the pros and cons are. I personally wouldn't put my baby through that just so his willy will look nicer and it SEEMS more hygienic especially if faith isn't a big part of your DP's life and he doesn't feel that strongly about it. Consider your decision carefully. Good luck BTW and for what it's worth I think most peoples parents stick their beaks into your parenting decisions (look at some of the countless past threads) but you just come to learn that it's your child, your choice and you ultimately know best.

spongebrainbigpants Wed 25-Mar-09 12:39:11

Your son will not be Jewish so there is absolutely no sense in mutilating him.

Your mum is right - I would feel the same if it was my grandson. I am an atheist but couldn't stand by and let my daughter do something so pointless and barbaric to a baby.

spicemonster Wed 25-Mar-09 12:42:59

I would say something if it were my grandchild. Sorry. Unless you have a deep religious conviction, I wouldn't get it done. I know a lot of non-practising Jews (and actually a few who go to synagogue fairly regularly) and none of them have had their sons circumcised because they think it's cruel.

SarahL2 Wed 25-Mar-09 12:44:28

Surely this thread is a mickey take...

She wants her parents to BUT OUT so she can make her own decisions...

And her decision is to TAKE AWAY any decision that her son might want to make about his own penis and sexual pleasure...

?? hmm

Threadworm Wed 25-Mar-09 12:44:28

V good point, spongebob, that the son of a non-Jewish woman will not be Jewish anyway. He could choose to join the faith later, and choose circumcision for himself at that point.

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