Regarding a few things about DP? (Warning: Long, and poss TMI sex details!)(18 Posts)
1. Sex. I am not interested at all, he has the sex drive of a horny teenager. I told him to have a wank but apparently he "shouldn't have to" because he has got me "to do it for him". AIBU to think this is ridiculous?
2. So he said it isn't the same, fine, I can see the point there. So we probably have actual sex about once every 2-3 weeks at the moment. I wrote up a little timetable because I was fed up that every time we cuddled, he wanted wanking off, if I did that he wanted a blowjob, if I did that he wanted sex, so I made a day of the week for each thing so he couldn't request anything higher. Now he complains I don't stick to the timetable, because we don't have sex twice a week and he doesn't always get favours on other days either. But the timetable was meant to give me days off from pressure, and so make me more likely to want sex, not a prescription. So AIBU for refusing to have sex when I don't want to have it?
3. I keep coming to bed late and he is asleep by the time I get there. I feel guilty about this but he doesn't give me any time off in the evenings (ie looking after DS) and there is a period between him and me going to bed when DS is asleep and it's just nice to be able to relax and mn or something. So AIBU by coming to bed late?
4. To expect him not to talk disrespectfully to me and DS (ie saying things like "Shut up FFS" to DS who is 5 months old and teething or telling DS that "Mummy hates you" because I am busy making dinner, or going to the toilet and can't feed him that second)
5. To really not like his mother and the way she talks to me saying I shouldn't moan about DP's putting out washing technique (I was trying to offer a helpful tip but it might have sounded naggy) because "at least he is doing it" - of course he is doing it! Just because you did everything for him, doesn't mean I will!! And saying that DS must be easy because DP was perfect when he was a baby . And pretending to "decode" DS' baby language into "Shut up Mummy" when I was "nagging" DP.
Okay I have finished now.
Cherry sex is like roller skating...the more you do it the better you get and the more you want to...you ever heard of 'if you don't use it you lose it?'...any sex drive would be horny teenager compared to a nun...he wants you to do it because he wants to feel close to you...he likes you doing it..wanking yourself just isn't the same...he should never disrespect you or your son and you should speak to him about how you feel...my Mil gets on my nerves too but she is right to a certain degree..leave the man to it...the more he does it the more your 'suggestions' will make sense...never compare yourself to Mil it's a waste of time she is his mother...you are his lover/wife...and every mother had a 'perfect' baby...thats coz they have forgotten how evil their brood was..lol..
I don't think the timetable was useful- would it not be better just to say that you don't want to be pressured at all to take things further, with the proviso on your part that you will initiate some intimacy regulary?
The other stuff, I don't know- maybe just a chat, and explaining that resenting stuff dampens your libido further?
Of course you aren't being unreasonable.
Your DP is behaving like a spoilt brat. He wants more sex and you are trying to accommodate him and still it isn't enough. Nobody should be forced to have sex if they don't want it. It isn't like you are refusing him every single time.
So on that basis YANBU by going to bed late - if it is turning into a battle ground with him pestering you for sexual favours every time you go to bed then I'm not surprised. It can't go on forever and maybe you shouldn't do it every day but it is perfectly understandable that you do. Don't let it become a habit though.
Talking disrepectfully to you and telling a 5 mths old to shut up? More evidence of his need to grow up and enough to put you off having sex with him I am sure. Tell him that!
His mother sounds like a bit of a cow. No baby is perfect (including mine) - she is deluded and she has bred a self centred idiot with her attitude. Tell her to shut up or leave if she can't be nice in you in your own home. You don't need to hear it and nor does your DP need any encouragement to behave badly.
For what it is worth my DH won't take advice on houshold jobs either, whether I am 'nagging' or not. It can be a very male thing - they hope you will do it for them if they do it badly enough. Do not give in and do that and let him get on with it his way.
YANBU your DH sounds like an arse to to me!
The sex thing while a pain isn't as worrying as his lack of respect for you - no wonder you don't want to have sex with hime he is acting like a twat! And as for telling your baby to shut up - that needs to stop NOW! How is your DS going to feel when he can understand his Dad?
Soooo....you need to explain to him that his attitude and behaviour need to change. He needs to help you with your DS more in the evening to give you some space and he needs to be nicer to your DS and then maybe you'll feel more inclined to have sex with him. Don't forget that you have a 5 month old and you'll be tired its normal to not feel like sex at this stage in your life!
A timetable for sex I've heard it all now!!
He is being a prat though if that's any help!
YANBU, no wonder he acts like a teenager with a mother like that.
BUT a timetable for sex? Doesn't that just bring sex more into an issue and on your minds all the time?
Do you have grades and reports as well?
YANBU, I do agree with Mumcentreplus that the more you have sex the more you are likely to want it but with a 5 mth old it's totally understandable that you don't want it just now - I think it's an evolutionary thing - you're meant to be concentrating on nurturing your baby not trying to make another!
LOL - watching GMTV just now with one woman saying how she has 6mth old and doesn't feel sexy and 'expert' saying that you should pencil time in for sex on the kitchen calendar so maybe you're not crazy for having a timetable!
Absolutely unacceptable to talk like that to anyone especially a child - how is he going to cope as baby gets older and becomes a lot more demanding? You need to speak to him about this now otherwise you are storing up trouble for later. I think that when anyone (men & women) feels that they are being 'denied' sex that they can get resentful and maybe that's why he is saying such horrible things.
There's plenty been written about why women don't feel like sex after they've had a baby so if you don't know how to explain to him yourself why you feel the way you do maybe you could maybe do some reading on this to help you articulate how you feel.
I don't agree to having a timetable for sex. It means that you are then having sex when you don't want it and that is not a sound basis for a relationship.
By all means, have a timetable for going to bed early, putting some music on and having a cuddle. Or arranging two evenings a week, cook a nice meal, he takes care of your DS, you sit and talk, no TV, no MN and no pressure. If you feel like a bit of rumpy pumpy on the the couch then go for it.
The way he talks to you and his son has to stop. No excuses there.
Don't worry about MIL. She does have a valid point though, if he hangs out the washing don't moan at him that he has done it wrong or take it down and hang it up again. He won't do it again if you always complain.
I can see why you thought a timetable might help organise you, but it seems to have had the opposite effect so I would ditch it.
I find nothing more of a turn off than feeling like I have to or aught to or "owe DH" as it has been a while.. That immediately puts my mindset into the negative. It becomes about him, not us, and another job on the list alongside ironing and cleaning the bathroom. Not good. Also feels like he is asking all the time so it is "for" him.
Why not try to take the upper hand in all this and take control? Perhaps if it were on your terms, you could feel more positive and equal in it all? Hard work with a 5 month old but with a bit of planning and imagination.. I found Sunday afternoons when my baby was having her 2 hour afternoon nap a very handy time as I had a lie in, was not tired or rushing to get all my housework done. I could relax with a glass of wine with lunch and enjoy the afternoon. I think it might have even saved our marriage
Take it easy on yourself.
5 months is hardly any time to have got over the birth of your LO, but in your DHs eyes you are probably 'back to normal'
I can see why the idea of a timetable might work, but its probably a bit too rigid, so just put it on a backburner.
Ignore MIL completely.
I've heard of some people having success with a timetable that just says 'on these days, this person can initiate, on these days, that person can initiate'. It should guarantee that you will have some days pester-free ...
Clearly if he wasn't such a twat you might actually want to have sex with him.
You have to like someone to want sex, ime. Men seem to be able to switch off their emotions and go into 'sex mode', whereas women have to have the whole emotional package.
Perhaps if he could modify his rather immature behaviour you might actually start to fancy him again.
it's a tough one. obviously the timetable has back fired so scrap it.i think you made a rod for your own back with that idea as now he has evidence as it were of when he is entitled to sex, and if you don't live up to it then it's YOU breaking YOUR promise. so learn from the mistake and get rid of it.
that way of talking to you is not acceptable or to your child, so let him know that you won't stand for it.
as others have said when he's doing a job leave him to do it.what might be a helpfull suggestion in your mind or in the context of a relationship that is firing on all ctlinders can quickly become a nagging criticism when their is already tension there.
the sex part is tougher, as i've always wondered what people consider an acceptable compromise in a relationship with vastly different sex drives. i think he's acting like a bit of a twat at times, but i also think that some are being harsher because he's the man and you are a woman who recently gave birth. if the roles were reversed and a man told his wife who was looking for sex to "go frig yourself" and that he was actively avoiding intimacy by staying up late on his x-box i think some posters would be up in arms about his behaviour. because of the stereotypes we have about which gender attaches what emotions to sex. i.e. men = cold and just looking to get their rocks off so a wank should be enough for them. women = emotional and sex being about closeness and affection, so what kind of heartless bastard would tell them to go masturbate.
sorry i know this doesn't answer any questions and i do agree that his manner of speaking to you is horrible and not likely to endear you to want more sex with him so i think that needs to be addressed pronto. on the sex thing hopefully someone wiser will have advice.
But the lack of emotional intimacy is surely the major factor in the op's lack of sex drive?
If his behaviour issues were resolved, the sex issue would correct itself naturally imo. And without the use of timetables.
Definitely the more sex you have, the more you will want. The endorphins released from orgasm will be present and bonding for you as a couple even if you don't want full sex. But as others have said, point out that if you feel resentful, the last thing you want is sex with him. MIL sounds very annoying. Try and see her as a separate issue, as your partner can't control what comes out of her mouth! You might point out that a bit of solidarity on that front might make you feel more inclined to cuddle of an evening...
I agree that it isn't fair to stereotype men as being 'cold' about their need for sex, I know that when me and my DH went through a 'dry spell' after DD2 was born that it wasn't just the sex that DH missed but the closeness and intimacy. Sometimes it was just enough to sleep naked together to make him feel better but from what OP says it seems as if she feels that anything she does will be followed with an expectation to go further than she wants to.
For some women (I'm speaking from personal experience and that of friends) when you have a young baby you can feel that your body isn't your own as you spend so much of your day carrying your baby, being touched by your baby and having he/she attached to you if you're breastfeeding. So it can feel like such a relief in the evenings when these demands aren't on you, it then takes a lot of effort to 'give' your body to your partner and to feel sexy. So while I do agree that you shouldn't stereotype the male and female roles here I think that the difference does need to be taken into consideration when the woman has so recently given birth.
The more often my DH points out how frequently we have sex the less I want it, especially if his behaviour is disrespectful and uncaring in the mean time. (Quite a turnaround as I was the one with a higher libido up until dc3).
I think you have to get back to basics, spend some time alone and get your groove back.
As for the mother, I would laugh it off when she says that he was a perfect baby just ask what went wrong? Or when she says DS is saying "shut up" I would reply in a worried voice you were "hoping he wouldn't have picked up that language from his Father and how awful it sounds".
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.