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to be fed up of hearing about other grandaughter all the time?

(17 Posts)
Moop Sun 01-Feb-09 09:31:01

My PIL leave close to one of their granddaughters whereas we live some distance away. It seems that every conversation on the telephone has to come back to or have some reference to other granddaughter - this morning DH spoke to them and said that our DD had been sick this morning (only 11 months old) and so was off colour. FIL mentioned that other grandaughter had chickenpox, even though they had told me during the week about that. I just get fed up with hearing about her every conversation - I know they see a lot of her and the other granddaughter and grandson don't get mentioned much. It is like they are already playing favourites - always telling us how lovely she is and if our daughter could be like her etc etc. On top of that we get "poor old Jane" - my husband's sister and how hard done by she is and she doesn;t have very much money (her and hubby can afford Sky TV and designer haircuts and the like). Not that many years ago FIL said horrible things about his daughter - how thick she was etc - now she can do no wrong.

They are the sort of people to play favourites unfortunately and I am annoyed it is happening so early when all of the children are so young.

readyfornumber2 Sun 01-Feb-09 09:57:51

I sympathise with you x
FIL lives up north and we live down south so only see them a couple of times a year, we have a DS who is 2.7 and his only biological grandchild, His partner has 2 grandsons (10 months and 3 months) who live about half an hour away and he definately prefers them to DS!!

DS was having a few behavioural problems which we have now sorted (sugar free food and drinks were to blame) but when we all went away for christmas he was always hyper!
So he was basically vicitimised and made out to be a naughty boy (at times he was but mainly he was active and inquistive)
Of course 10 month and 3 month old are perfect and wont grow up to be like DS!

He has always been anti DS though as he thought he was too young to be a grandad (60 this year!) and even mentioned to DP that I should have an abortion when we announced I was pg angry

We are treated as the poor relatives because we rent instead of owning a house and because I never went to uni he seems to think I am thick!

I just let it ride over me now but have struggled in the past to bite my tongue!
DP did actually notice how different we are treated to his partners children over christmas which was upsetting for him but at least he doesnt think I am just having a go about his Dad when I say anything now!

Kimi Sun 01-Feb-09 10:08:32

In laws... my Mother in law calls one of her grandsons "that little bastard" never by his name, I have no idea what she calls mine behind my back, and I don't really much care.

My gran loved to tell me how much, nicer, better, smarter my cousins were then me, these would be the ones that never came near her or did a thing for her, while I was stuck with her and her madness.

Once your DD is old enough to understand she is 2nd best walk away from these people for her sake

cory Sun 01-Feb-09 10:22:18

My Mum is a little similar to the OP's PIL, but then she lives in the same house as my dns. So I've come to the conclusion that it's just a case of 'what are the news at your end, these are the news here'?

It would seem a little odd if it was only me allowed to talk about what was happening to me and not showing an interest in what her day was like: and her life is of necessity going to be about the other grandchildren.

It's not about her loving them more, it's just that this is her daily life: she can't tell news about my children because they're not there. Conversation is about interchange. So I just grit my teeth and remind myself that I chose to move away so if she's talking about my nephews and not my son as her own child, this is in direct consequence to my decision.

Moop Sun 01-Feb-09 10:43:05

I get what you are saying Cory and that is why I post here and don't say anything to my DH. But they don't live with her - they see her maybe once a week and they have 3 other grandchildren. I guess it is just that I find them very judgemental so some people (including children) are 'good' and other people are not. The point is is that my DH was having a conversation about his daughter and not his sister's - I would like his parents to focus on their other grandchildren when it is appropriate and instead of asking how she was now or what might have upset her - he straight away says how other grandchild has chickeepox - like well she is more ill than your daughter - I find him childish sometimes - but I know a lot of it is my resentment towards them.

ADealingMummy Sun 01-Feb-09 11:00:50

My MIL has 9 grandchildren and openly has favourites. She prefers boys to girls. Her absolute favourite is her first grandson. All the older grandchildren are aware of this.
She finds her grandaughters ''cold''.

I think she treats them all equally when it comes to christmas/birthday presents etc ,so I just grit my teeth, and think of it as another one of her ''quirks''.

She is good with DD (2), when she stays over and DD likes her.

DH and I know she will never change, so we try to see humour in the situation, which works well for us.

Katiestar Sun 01-Feb-09 13:10:00

For some strange reason I think that Parents always feel closer to their daughters children than their sons.My mum has often said (privately) that she thinks of my brothers children as more SILs babies thanhis

Moop Sun 01-Feb-09 13:43:24

I would agree with you on that to an extent -my DH inevitably is less involved with our daughter than I am so he talks about her less and they talk to him more about other things. They have another daughter who has the two oldest grandchildren (5 and 3) and they have been more put to one side since daughter no2 moved back to live near them.

It is further exacerbated by us being seen to have more disposable income than sister (even though as I say her and husband have sky telly and designer haircuts so are hardly on the breadline) - so when I buy things for our daughter - I am indirectly criticised as FIL tells me how he helps daughter out by giving her money and what a poor little thing she is - as I say a few years ago he did nothing but say how thick she was etc - now i have fallen out of favour I feel he takes every opportunity to make me look bad next to her - even though by their own admission she is a lazy so and so who has hardly worked in the last 10 years and everything me and DH have got we have got by our own work and not hand outs from PIL.

I guess it is the comparisons I don't like and they are a bit too quick to make comparisons - for myself I can take it but I don't like the thought that as the grandchildren get older they will be partial - I just think that is not on.

SweetEm Sun 01-Feb-09 13:53:54

Moop- I feel like this sometimes with my own parents (Mum worse than Dad). When I spoke with them on the phone all they seemed to talk about was my niece. I spoke to my sister about it though and she felt the same (i.e. that all they seemed to talk about with her was my dcs)!

Could it be something similar with your PIL's and you are just not aware of it?

SweetEm Sun 01-Feb-09 13:55:04

Forgot to say though, that YANBU. It is boring to hear about nothing but the other grandchildren and, IME, you can't help but think they are making comparisons!

cory Sun 01-Feb-09 13:56:24

My Mum is more involved with the lives of my brother's children, but that's hardly surprising as she sees them every week and sees mine twice a year.

My experience has been that comparisons don't matter to children and that if they get on they will just ignore the adults anyway. So don't give up on dd's cousin.

kizzib Sun 01-Feb-09 19:42:34

my MIL is like this with BIL's daughter, drives me up the wall. I had a hard time with dd (now one) and instead of sympathy, I kept getting told "M was much worse" grrr plus if we visit and other GD is there, other GD gets jealous (normal) but once she starts her fake crying, my dd gets ignored

girlylala0807 Sun 01-Feb-09 19:50:25

My granny is like this,

She has 3 gd's and mor gs's than i can count. Us 3 are her favorites and everyone knows it. I lived with her for a while, my younger cousin does now. We get more at xmas and birthdays and she would run around after us.

We have never quite figured out why.

I thought it was just our family.

troutpout Sun 01-Feb-09 19:58:52

My pil's do the chatting endlessly about other grandchildren (although they would never compare the children)...and it used to drive me crazy.Then i was chatting to my sil about mil and something she said about my kids made me realise that pil's do the same when they speak to them too (about my kids) It was quite embarrassing!
So i said...'oh i expect you get all our news from pils don't you?...we always hear about dneices and dnephews and what they've been up to too.'
(just incase she was as peed off with it as me!)

Maybe your pil's do the same?
Actually i think it's rather sweet now i realise they do it to all of us...i think they are just generally proud of the whole brood.

troutpout Sun 01-Feb-09 20:01:01

Now my mum... that's another story...she treats all the girls equally...she slags them all off
Her boys can do no farking wrong

princessx2 Sun 01-Feb-09 22:27:55

My PIL are forever playing favourites with my SIL's kids over my two. SIL has a DD 4 and DS 9mths and I have DD1 3.9 and DD2 5mths. Before I had children I got the line from them 'you have to have girls' to which I replied that they would have I what they got and liked it. Anyhow as SIL had DD first, I knew that my DD would always come a poor second. We live 15 mins away from PIL, they live the other end of the country and yet they seem to spend all their leave and time with them. Always comparisons - GD1 doing this - is GD2 doing that?

As soon as my DD1 was born it was - can she stay over all the time and when I refused, I got the reply - well GD1 does. Yes, thats because your daughter leaves her with you while she goes out for a drink and the baby is bottle fed - mine is breastfed. Also got accused of keeping her from them because I breastfed and its always FIL-MIL just goes along with it.

I'm certain that my DD1 sensed the favouritism with GD1 and FIL as she never used to go anywhere near him - she preferred MIL. Its only now that she is almost four that she has any sort of half decent relationship with him. What annoys me as well, is that when I was pg, he made a comment about how he would be the baby's only grandad (my dad died when I was in my teens) and yet he doesn't seem to be able to get the favouritism thing out of the way.

When our second babies were born, SIL was convinced she was having a boy and she did. I was convinced of a girl and I did. FIL's convinction was both for boys - we have our girls now - we need boys! At having another girl, FIL's comment to my DH was - another girl eh?? Never mind. Oh and the things that the GS can do - compared to my dd2! He made a comment about her rolling over the other day and when I said that she wasn't interested, the comment I got was...GS was rolling over like a good un at that age!

it will continue for the foreseeable future - for the most part I try and ignore it, but it gets too much sometimes and i end up having a rant at DH who is scared to say anything to them for fear of upsetting them.

piscesmoon Sun 01-Feb-09 22:35:43

I think it is just natural because they are so involved with the other grandchildren. I know it is difficult but you need to just ignore it and rise above it. When your DD is older she can stay with them by herself and build up her own relationship.

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