To want another child? (long, sorry)

[SummerC]

I think I may need to give you a bit of background, which is why this may end up as a bit of a novel.

My dh and I have a lovely 13 month dd. We were trying for over 3 years and in the end turned to Clomid to get pregnant. Thankfully, it worked.

My husband and I have always talked about having two children and preferably close together (eg 2-3 years between them). While I was pregnant we had decided that we would start trying to get pregnant with #2 shortly after dd's 1st birthday. We had agreed that the first 6 months would be casual (eg, no temperature checks or calendar counting) and if nothing had happened we would then start seriously trying again.

Well my daughter is now 13 months old and my husband has decided that now is not the right time. We were approved to emigrate to Canada last spring and have been trying to sell our house ever since. My husband does not want to consider another child until we are settled in Canada. I am frustrated that he wants to wait as it could be this summer by the time we get there...but it could also be 2 or 3 years depending on what price we achieve and when we can pay off debt.

I am not willing to put our lives on hold for that long! I completely understand him wanting to be cautious but I so desperately want another baby. My dh is 38 and is constantly talking about how he doesn't want to be a old father, but in the next breath is suggesting we put another child on hold until he feels we are more settled.

As much as I would like to get to Canada my priority is, and always has been, my family. We have a home of our own and we both have secure jobs. I don't know what to think and could really use some advice. The only advice I could get from my friends at work was to puncture all the condoms in the house!

AIBU??

[nametaken]

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

[SummerC]

I'll be 31 in march.

[nametaken]

Hmmm, I'd be tempted to get myself over to Canada ASAP, then get pregnant.

[SummerC]

nametaken that is the plan, but we cannot emigrate until we sell our flat. We have been on the market for almost a year and in that time have had to reduce by almost £20,000. This means that we won't have enough to pay off debt, which will mean renting in the UK for a couple months or more to save.

[Wisknit]

yanbu.
but I can see his point too.
It's the hormones that are the problem isn't it? telling you you want another one however unconducive the circumstances.

[SummerC]

Thank wisknit. I definitely can see his point and I'm not angry with him. I just always wanted my babies close together so it is a bit of blow to be told that he no longer feels the same.

[Idrankthechristmasspirits]

YANBU to want another baby, but i think that his suggestion is the most sensible.

[Wisknit]

I wanted 3. At least. (am currently 36 wks w/no3 ) but pg 2 was dreadful and he told me towards the end of the pgnancy that he wanted to stop at 2. I was heartbroken and couldn't come round to the idea of just 2 children. Happily, accidents happen.
But it is tough when you have stuff planned and then it looks like not happening that way.

[SummerC]

Idrankthechristmasspirits I know his suggestion is the most sensible. I just wish there was another way around it. I guess I AM being unreasonable, aren't I?

[SummerC]

wisknit unfortunately I don't we will be having any such accidents. My husband won't come near me without first asking, "Do we have condoms". oooh...the romance...I'm all-a-tingle.

[SummerC]

that should be:

unfortunately I don't think we will be having any such accidents

[violethill]

I understand your anxieties, but you have a lot of time on your side. When I started reading your post, i assumed you were 40ish, but you're only 30 which is nothing at all!

Trust your DH - I think it will all turn out for the best.

[SummerC]

I shall try violethill.

I secretly suspected I was being unreasonable, but didn't want to admit it. I will try to be patient.

[paddingtonbear1]

I think your dh speaks sense, I'm afraid. But that doesn't mean you are unreasonable to want another. If there's a possibility you could get there this year, then wait. Maybe rethink if circumstances mean you'll be in the UK for a few more years?

[noonki]

I know burning desire to have a baby, but that urge isnt necessarily telling you the truth!

Neither of you is right or wrong.

Is there an urgency to get to canada? If not then I would think it makes sense to try and conieve. Then sell up when the baby is little and the market better. You are then having a baby nearer your support network for those difficult first few months.

If there is an urgency to go, then maybe you should wait, you may have a bigger gap between, but that is no bad thing, some of the siblings I know that get along best have a bigger gap. Also you may be able to go to antenatal stuff in canada which may be a route to get to know people.

[OHBollox]

You need to get that house sold asap before you loose any more money, £20k hasn't done it so you need to reduce it further and quickly or else you'll have a child at school and still not be in Canada.He is right though, there's no perfect age gap, some people have 12 months, some have 5 years both are perfectly alright and acceptable.

[hotbot]

i have the opposite view im afraid, i think you should look at what the canadian view is to mat leave / support etc, maybe you should have a frank discussion about having achild here with maybe family and frinds support and solid mat leave agreements etc may be more helpful. Also the market is very poor - i know i dont have to tell you that, so a good financial start in a new country would be great.

[hotbot]

oops x posts with noonki

[Northernlurker]

He's not being unreasonable in wanting you all to be settled and secure when you have another child. Age is very much on your side and I think you can afford to wait. Personally I think 2 years or less as an age gap is really, really hard work. I had nearly three and it was great and dd1 and dd2 are really close.

[OHBollox]

Northernluker makes a good point, you'll be a long way from home, making new friends etc a new baby would help that process and a bigger gap makes life a lot easier.
I don't believe siblings are any closer because they are closer in age if anything it can be the opposite because they can be lumped in together but have totally different interests and yet expected to do the same things.

[Wisknit]

I was going to mention the age-gap thing. small gaps are bleeding hard work. Mine are 17 months and this next one due in 4 weeks, ds2 only 19 months now. We moved house in nov and it was horrific.
however if you want 2-3 years then that isn't so bad surely?

[SummerC]

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. We are having a night out together on wednesday so perhaps we should discuss our options then while we have the chance.

As far as support goes, I will have more support in Canada. I am Canadian so all my friends and family will be there. However much my family loves my dh though, he will not have the same support network sadly. That is part of the reason why I wanted to have the baby here. Also, in Canada, you have to pay your hospital and antenatal fees.

Thanks again everyone. It's so helpful to have suggestions from people on the outside looking in.