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to feel a bit of a failure because my mum is sooo brilliant?

(38 Posts)
spicemonster Fri 16-Jan-09 20:11:05

I'm a single parent. I work ft and my mum looks after my DS one day a week which is fantastic of her. She is brilliant with him and he absolutely adores her.

No problem there. The problem is (and it isn't really a problem) is that she doesn't just look after him. She does laundry, she does ironing. And sewing. And defrosting the freezer. And pruning and weeding. And clever things with socks. I tell her not to but she just breezily says 'oh well, I saw you needed it doing and I didn't have anything else to do while he was sleeping'

She makes me feel like I'm underperforming to be honest. I know she's doing it to be kind and helpful but when he has a nap, I'd really like her to put her feet up and watch Loose Women. But I suspect she's genetically incapable and I did not inherit that gene.

I am grateful. Really I am. Oh dear, this is probably coming across all wrong

compo Fri 16-Jan-09 20:12:21


but you are also very licky
she probably puts her feet up the rest of the week so just let her get on with it
otherwise you might offend her

mylifemykids Fri 16-Jan-09 20:12:33

Can I borrow her?

compo Fri 16-Jan-09 20:12:42



you are also very lucky

2pt4kids Fri 16-Jan-09 20:13:34

If I only had my kids one day a week I'd be able to do all that stuff while they napped too.
She has all the rest of the week to catch up!
It actually shows how much of a good job she thinks you are doing that she is so motivated to make things a little easier for you.
Sounds like a lovely relationship smile

moondog Fri 16-Jan-09 20:15:01

sounds great

moondog Fri 16-Jan-09 20:15:19

sounds great

spicemonster Fri 16-Jan-09 20:15:24

I know I'm really lucky. And I'm not ungrateful, truly. I think she's bloody marvellous. She just makes me feel inadequate

wrinklytum Fri 16-Jan-09 20:16:00

I have an ubergrandmother to my dcs

She lives away but is FAB when she comes to visit.DP is in hospital and dd has sn and I have a ds.This week she came to stay and was MARVELLOUS.She cleaned everywhere,and put me to shame!She also gave me 3 lie ins which was bliss.I am inadequate in comparison but love her loads.She is definitely genetically programmed not to relax

herbietea Fri 16-Jan-09 20:16:07

Message withdrawn

spicemonster Fri 16-Jan-09 20:23:56

Thank you 2pt4kids - that's very kind of you.

Now I have started my confession I feel free to continue. I decided to do ALL the laundry this week before she arrived, in an effort to foil her attempts to do it. I left the clean laundry in the basket as I thought that would be enough. But no! She defrosted the freezer.

I really need to encourage her to post on gransnet don't I?

CarGirl Fri 16-Jan-09 20:26:31

Your a single parent, you work FT she wants to help you so that you get to enjoy your weekends with your dc and not spend it doing housework.

Mum's love helping their dc however old they are!

noonki Fri 16-Jan-09 20:27:03

Unless it is coming with a lot of snide comments I'm sorry but YABU
She sounds like she really wants to help out...(you'll always be her little girl you know grin)

But it's very different doing it day in day out on your own and working full time.

MissisBoot Fri 16-Jan-09 20:27:07

My mum used to do this - at first I used to feel like I couldn't keep on top of things and then I just realised that it was her way of quietly helping me out - bless her she used to spend ages cleaning when dd was asleep.

wrinklytum Fri 16-Jan-09 20:30:02

Spice,mine cleaned all the windows today that I hadn't done for blush about a year!

She sounds fab.

I know how you feel but see it as a positive,she is a lovely grandma

DesperateHousewifeToo Fri 16-Jan-09 20:30:07

What a lovely mum you have grin

She probably thinks you are amazing by holding down a full time job and bringing up your ds yourself.

She wouldn't do all those things if she did not want to. Enjoy it and continue to appreciate it. I'm sure that's all she wants.

No doubt, in years to come, you would do the same for your ds.

DorisIsAPinkDragon Fri 16-Jan-09 20:38:30

Spice I absolutely get where you're coming from, my mum is Fab but it does sometimes make me feel desperately sad that I COULD DO BETTER.

When she comes to ours the kitchen always looks 10 times better when she goes anywhere near it.

OTOH DH is convinced she has a form of OCD and can't sit down ( not true but it makes me giggle) and we do play wind her up about it!!

spicemonster Fri 16-Jan-09 20:43:56

Thank you all, you have made me a bit sniffly. I think you're right, I think it's because she thinks it's especially hard for me but actually from my memory, it was loads harder for her - when I was growing up my dad travelled loads so she did everything and she had 3 kids, not just one.

noonki - she is not snidey in the slightest. My only complaint is that she makes me feel guilty which is a bit pathetic

FfreckleFface Fri 16-Jan-09 20:45:37

Clever things with socks?[intrigued emoticon]

jasper Fri 16-Jan-09 20:47:38

Your mum sounds lovely.
And so do you because you really appreciate all she does for you and don't take her for granted.

Let her enjoy helping you as much as she does.

Show her you appreciate her. Don't feel guilty!

cheshirekitty Fri 16-Jan-09 20:59:35

Your mum sounds like a lovely lady.

She is probably remembering what it was like to have young ones, and how hard it is. She is trying to make your life a bit easier.

Enjoy your mum!! You are a lucky lady.

Fennel Fri 16-Jan-09 21:03:39

It's easier to be efficient with other people's children. They respond to you differently. I had 7 small children for the day last week, and they all behaved impeccably - including my 3yo nephew who is going through an "oppositional phase" (i.e. his parents say something, he does the opposite) and my niece who's very demanding for her parents and a couple of other children who can be utterly impossible for their parents.

And it's different when it's just one day a week. You have more energy. You're not ground down by toddler life.

bronze Fri 16-Jan-09 21:05:14

my mil is the same. In fact I wish it was a weekly thing then my washing my get ironed sometimes

psychomum5 Fri 16-Jan-09 21:09:25

stop feeling like a failure.

one day you will be her, and as she has shown you what to do, you will become the same type as mum, and so, therefore, you will also make your child feel a failure........altho your child won;t be as you love them and do the same things for them that YOUR mum is doing to you.

does that make sense.....????

please let her do things for you. she clearly wants to and loves doing it, and one day, you can return the favour. it is not about making you feel is about love, and give n take.

lizziemun Fri 16-Jan-09 21:47:07

She probaly thinking that by doing the bits of housework then she freeing up your freetime to spend with your dc.

FWIW I'm 32wks pg and last week my MIL took all my ironing as she loves ironing and my mum cleaned my oven and my sofa. I am a SAHM with one child at fulltime school and a 16mth so i have excuse.

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