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this is a long one, sorry

(34 Posts)
NKd9fa21aX11e873b4c2d Tue 30-Dec-08 10:00:31

have been married for 5 yrs.(this is the 3rd one) over the last year my husband and i went over a bad patch and last dec. he moved his money to his own bank account. i have continued to keep the house running paying all the bills etc over the last year he has not hardly contributed to anything. A few yrs back we remortgaged and i had a large sum to pay off my bills and with the extra we had we agreed we would pay extra towards his, which didnt happen. We have a house that needs a lot doing to it and i took out a loan to have a room done as it was so badly damp, due to the problems wrong with it it cost me more than i wanted to pay but had to have it done, i have had insulation done to the home as well. He has 2 jobs, i had a 5 day a week job to which i dropped to 4 days to help out a sick family member to which that money makes up the shortfall of my full time job. I am now at the end of my budget and cannot make ends meet anymore all my christmas money to me has gone into the bank to help towards the bills, he keeps telling me that i should not keep shopping on my catalogue, which i do have an account with, but i dont drink or smoke and am continually working for my own job and then helping out my family member. As well another very elderly family member has very little in the way of family and i have ended up with that one too, as they have been really poorly. I would like to add that he has a brand new motorbike and has all the gaming gadgets going and also buys games for those.
Im now thinking that should i be leaving him am i wrong in expecting him to contribute and what can i do about this as i am very very fed up...your responses please Many thanks

MarlaSinger Tue 30-Dec-08 10:03:28

Sorry, why doesn't he pay half the bills?

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Tue 30-Dec-08 10:05:46

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3littlefrogs Tue 30-Dec-08 10:06:04

So what does he pay for?

YANBU. Marriage should be an equal partnership and all assets should be shared.

3littlefrogs Tue 30-Dec-08 10:06:51

Is it your third marriage or his?

MrsMagooo Tue 30-Dec-08 10:14:16

So you live together, you both work but he doesn't pay anything towards the house at all?

YANBU in wanting him to contribute!

lalalonglegs Tue 30-Dec-08 10:24:32

I don't understand why this situation has been allowed to drag on? Is it because he says you got more of the remortgage money than he did? Surely this can be worked out.

NKd9fa21aX11e873b4c2d Tue 30-Dec-08 10:36:35

yes we both live in the marital home, and yes he reckons as i had a lump sum from the remortgage he feels he has contributed in that way as the bills he is left with have a contribution to the house then and that is what he is paying off.
This is both our third marriage we dont have children form this one and never will. He has 4 children living with his ex and i have 3, now only 1 of those is at home with us who is 17.
I know i love him and dont want to be another statistic and am trying to work it out and this is why it has dragged on for so long, but i am now fed up and know what splitting up is all about and i think knowing that, is what is off putting and how things are in the 'climate' know also i wont be able to sell the house and so it is a vicious circle.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Tue 30-Dec-08 11:02:01

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lemonstartree Tue 30-Dec-08 11:02:03

why did you choose that user name ?

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Tue 30-Dec-08 11:03:01

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Tue 30-Dec-08 11:03:35

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Nikkers44 Tue 30-Dec-08 11:08:01

hey yes correct the user name i wanted was already allocated i have changed it now tho as you can see.grin
No he is not paying the mortgage i am paying the mortgage and all the bills including the shopping etc.
He thinks cos i had the lump sum from the remortgage then he shouldnt contribute to anything now as his 'lump' sum is him paying off his bilss now and over the last year. does that make better sense??

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Tue 30-Dec-08 11:12:33

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Tue 30-Dec-08 11:13:54

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Notreallycutoutforthis Tue 30-Dec-08 11:14:34

Not much clearer for me - can we see some sums please? with the cost of energy etc having been up, how long does he expect his 'lump' input to last for?

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Tue 30-Dec-08 11:14:34

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moondog Tue 30-Dec-08 11:18:28

He's a knob.
Tell him to fuck off.

Nekabu Tue 30-Dec-08 11:25:26

Unfortunately as you've allowed this situation to carry on for so long he will no doubt kick like a mule when you try to make him behave in a reasonable manner and to actually pay his share for the home and life he enjoys. A wake up call is definitely in order. I would suggest sitting down, pointing out that he's been taking the proverbial (and he must be aware of that, he can't be daft enough to think he is somehow entitled to a free ride) but it must stop now. Joint bank account again so everything is split fairly or, if he is really against that, then all bills split 50/50. He's supposed to be your partner in life, not a giant leech!

Nikkers44 Tue 30-Dec-08 11:29:57

no he is not paying towards the loan or the home improvements...good point though about the amounts adding up over the last year shall have to put me head together and do some sums.
In a nutshell i had 11k to clear the bills i had he had approx 900, plus he has had new bikes since then.
We did have a car which was on finance, then my son went to a war torn place with army and left me with his car, on finance, to sort out, to which i managed to do and put all the things right with it and made it re roadworthy, it was a brand new car..., i then ended up letting my daughter have the car to which she is paying for, and i bought my mothers car with my new loan as well as the home improvements. He then said i dumped him with the finance of the car and couldnt afford to keep up the finance. So cut his losses and got rid of it, he then realised he needed a car and so bought one for a few hundred quid, an old one. What he seems to forget is that he had a bit of trouble with ebay and lsot a bid on ebay on an old.ish car, and so has to pay 200 quid a month for it, so he is no better off but doesnt see that.
God this is such a mess....hmm

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Tue 30-Dec-08 11:36:02

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Nikkers44 Tue 30-Dec-08 11:58:47

The remortgage money came through in Feb 07, in dec 07 he stopped his money into the joint account to which we between us have an O/D for 1.5k. so from dec 07 i have been doing the lot at the moment the cost of all joint bills are 1230 give or take a couple of quid.=, and like you say no interst is included in that. He may have contributed approx 200 - 300 in that time. yes i do know i cant live my life this way but now at a time in my life as for once do not know what to do for the best, i am quite a determined and assertive person and am angry with myself for letting it get this far. where do i go from here? sad

Notreallycutoutforthis Tue 30-Dec-08 13:32:10

Write it all out for him? Get a big piece of paper, and put the amount of the original remortgage at the top. Show each monthly bill amount coming out of that, divided by 2 to reflect your original agreement - you'll (I think) already be in negative numbers. Separate total for your spending on improvements to house, and his spending on toys. Maybe write out another column showing where he's pissed money away on cars. Then staple it to his forehead grin

BouncingTurtle Tue 30-Dec-08 13:50:55

I'm with Moondog.

Sorry Nikkers, but I think he is taking you for a mug, frankly.

LightShinesInTheDarkness Tue 30-Dec-08 13:54:05

lol not really! Nikkers - you know, I really believe that people will do what they can get away with. It sounds like, for whatever reason (probably stability) you have let him get away with not making a fair contribution, so its time to challenge his assumptions.

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