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To NOT want DP to get up when I can't sleep?

(13 Posts)
FUB Mon 03-Nov-08 14:26:10

I live with a very painful condition called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, it usually gets more painful at night, so much so I can't bear the duvet even touching me. I can't sleep when it is this painful so I get up, watch a bit of TV, make a cuppa or go on the computer etc.

I am disabled so I can't work, I don't have to get up in the morning and go off to work so it isn't really a problem for me but DP insists on getting up with me, to 'look after me' etc. Sweet, yes I know but he is a paramedic working 12 hour shifts - it is important he gets enough sleep to be able to make good judgments in emergency situations.

I have explained this to him but he just gets annoyed, says I am shutting him out etc - I'm not, I just want him to get a good nights sleep, why should he stay awake to 'look after me' when I don't need him to?

We have hardly spoken the past three days (only to argue about it) How can I make him understand?

squirrel3 Mon 03-Nov-08 14:36:37

Sorry its Squirrel3 btw (can't remember why I name changed a while ago lol, and haven't been on for a while because the RSD has got much worse over the past few months)

I'm sure the meds and lack of sleep is affecting my poor brain. blush

Starbear Mon 03-Nov-08 14:50:26

You need to find ways you can relax together.
He is sweet, he is worried about you. I worry about my DH's hips,he had 4 operations on them. Shift work can mean you wake up anyway after 4 hours sleep. I used to sleep for 4 hours have a cuppa and go back to bed. Let him have naps on his days off will help. I insist on DH having naps and I do too. I can't see the point of everyone being grumpy just because their parents never napped. Let me have a nap at 2.30pm and you'll find I'm happy at any hour of the day

squirrel3 Mon 03-Nov-08 15:00:59

Thanks for your reply Starbear, I know he is worried about me and he just wants to look after me but his shifts mean that most of the time he works from 12pm to 12am for several days in a row. He needs to sleep, I am quite happy to get up and just let him sleep - actually it is better for me to get up and try to walk about for a bit.

I just worry about him going to work half asleep because he has been up with me all night. It does seem like a daft problem but it is becoming a very big issue between us.

I try and just lay there and try to cope with the pain and not get up because I know he will want to get up, but I just can't do it, it just gets unbearable so I just have to get up. Then he is exhausted for work the next few days.

We just can't seem to reach a compromise sad

Niecie Mon 03-Nov-08 15:11:46

No YANBU at all. I hate to be fussed over when I am not well so I can understand that you are happy to be alone especially as he needs to sleep.

What does he do for you when he is awake? Is he actually doing anything useful for you or just being there?

Is there any way you can get up and stay in the bedroom? Maybe have a chair and portable TV with some headphones or just pace the bedroom floor. He would be with you but hopefully would become used to it and go back to sleep.

squirrel3 Mon 03-Nov-08 15:21:07

Thank you Niecie, he doesn't do anything I can't do for myself but he seems to think he has to be in charge of my morphine, other pain killers etc (think its the paramedic in him).

I am quite capable of sorting it out for myself, he knows I only take it when I am at screaming point with the pain. Actually if he had his way I would take it more often than I do but I am wary of becoming addicted to the morphine so try not to take it if possible.

Getting a TV in the bedroom might be an idea, he might get used to me being up but I suspect he will not want to stay in bed, (maybe I should handcuff him to the bed? but then that would be a whole different thread, lol)

Niecie Mon 03-Nov-08 16:51:26

Morphine is a pretty heavy duty pain killer - I wonder if he is worried that you might make a mistake in the dose and do yourself more harm than good and wants to keep an eye on you. I suppose being a paramedic, he is very aware of the risks, more than most DPs

I am wondering if, in fact, it is a trust issue with him. What you do about it I don't know. Maybe handcuffs are the way!

I hope you don't think I am being nosy but I googled your condition. It sounds horrific - is there any chance it might get better?

squirrel3 Mon 03-Nov-08 17:16:20

Niecie, I am afraid it isn't going to get better but I am learning to live with it. I have it in both feet, the whole of my left arm into the shoulder and in my right arm from my fingers to my elbow. I have had it for 20+ years so I am quite capable of dealing with it.

My Dp totally trusts me not to get the dose wrong, I know more about the condition and the Meds than he does. As I say if he had his way I would take it more often, I understand it, no-one wants to see a loved one in pain like that but I have to weigh up the risks of addiction and coping with the pain.

Actually you may have a point about the trust issue but not the way you thought, more that he wants to be able to control the pain himself and up my doses to what he thinks would be more helpful. Maybe he doesn't trust me to actually take it? It must be hard for him knowing there is nothing he can really do, I suppose it becomes more difficult when it is a loved one.

Starbear Mon 03-Nov-08 20:27:58

Squirrel3 I bet he won't have a separate beds?
I'm a terrible sleepier I worry about everything to do with work. When it gets really bad I use BBC 7 drama and a 'Roberts' Pillow talk speaker that goes under my pillow. It works I'm asleep pretty quickly. I some times wake up to people laughing in a comedy but I know I've been asleep. It's just an idea. You do need to talk. I'm in the emergency services and I hate the thought of not being totally with it to help someone else.

traceybath Mon 03-Nov-08 20:33:12

I totally sympathise - i just can't cope with anyone around if i'm ill and i've never had anything as horrid as you.

Perhaps you could discuss it in more of a general way - that you just like to be left alone to deal with pain and its nothing at all to do with him its just you.

I know its not the same but when i was in labour with DS1 i couldn't even bear for my hair to touch my face let alone my DH rub my back. I had DS2 by c-section but without DH there - far easier.

Hope you resolve things and much sympathy for your painful condition.

squirrel3 Tue 04-Nov-08 08:09:56

Thank you for your replies, they are very much appreciated.

Starbear, He won't hear of me sleeping in a separate room on a bad night, he wouldn't hear of separate beds, don't think I would like it either, (having said that a separate room on a bad night sounds like a goood idea to me but as I say he wouldn't like it.) Its nice to wake up together on the mornings when I have slept the night before. I hate the idea of him not being totally with it and possibly making a bad judgment in an emergency situation. I have explained this to him but he insists he is ok.

traceybath, I have explained to him about wanting to be alone, its nothing to do with him but he is a very stubborn numpty individual and sees it as me shutting him out. Grrrrrrrrrr!

We have agreed to not talk about it for the moment because it is causing so many arguments but I know we need to find a solution, for both our sakes.

Umlellala Tue 04-Nov-08 08:17:42

Gosh, sounds hard work for you!

Could you think of ways your dp can help? So, oh yes, sweetheart, if you could just make me a cuppa then go back to bed.... maybe he would be happy with that. Lovely that he wants to look after you smile

squirrel3 Tue 04-Nov-08 08:35:59

I agree, it is lovely he wants to look after me, but it is blooming infuriating at the same time, lol.

I could ask him to do something then tell him he can help by going back to bed. I will try that one and see what happens.

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