to have developed a very thin skin since having DS ?(24 Posts)
I am normally pretty secure, sensible and level headed. I am amazed therefore at how angry I am when ever any of my family make comments about my 9.5 month old DS. For example
" you are cruel not letting him have cake " " my DD didn't know what a TV was until she was 2" "hasn't he got any gloves to wear " etc etc
I know it probably sounds petty but these sort of comments make me want to slap people. I know this is probably coming from me getting used to being a parent and deep down I do think I am doing a good job. How can I develop a thicker skin and stop feeling so undermined ? does this come with time ?
It will come with time, honestly. I think most people are incredibly touchy when their first child is a baby. As time goes on, you will feel more confident - and genuinely 'whatever' about what other people think. It will get a lot easier to either ignore unhelpful comments or come up with a quick, firm retort that puts people in their place . I used to absolutely seethe inside at some of the things my MIL said to me when DS was a baby, but 3 years down the line it hardly bothers me at all.
It comes with time, when yo realise you forgot their gloves, their hat, their drink, their snack and you have to by gloves and hat,or make them do without, and they end up with a fruit shoot and a bag of quavers and they are NEVERTHELESS STILL ALIVE, HAPPY AND APPEAR TO STILL LOVE YOU.
I know how you feel. I think I'm getting a thicker skin already though and he's just past 11 months. But when he was a few months old people commenting on his cold hands, or saying "oh, where are his socks, he's getting cold" (when I'd already put his socks back on 10 times that day and given up) really got to me.
I think when you give your all to this little tiny person any comment feels like a personal attack. Just take deep breaths, have a cup of tea and remember it will get better
i was trying so hard to be perfect in my head with dd1 that everything seemed to have a hidden meaning and agenda (still think they did)
I felt like I wasn't doing well enough so every comment stayed with me for days.
If you are feeling a little vunerable or not yourself sometimes it's easier to be unintentionally hurt
once dd2 arrived i simply gave up!!
I do the best I can and so do you I'm sure.
You'll become more confident in yourself again and nothing anyone will say will bother you...that however is a whole other problem!!
People never stop telling you you're doing it wrong. I hate visiting my parents, I have big rows with them and my dd is 4 now! They just know how tp push your buttons that's all..
Oh god, I was the same. I remember forgetting the raincover for his pushchair once and someone commenting that he was getting wet. I cried for about 2 hours.
You'll toughen up again.
thanks for all your comments - making me feel more normal already !
My SIL is definately the worst - but thats probably cos her DC are older and she has forgotten what she was like when they were babies.
Why can't women ( and it is usually women making these sorts of comments ) be more supportive to new mums/parents ?
Saz36, I feel exactly the same. DD 9.5 months.
I have also cried when I think that people have been critical too (people are always telling me "oh her feet are cold" and it makes me feel like such a cr@p mum).
I thought it was only my mum who said these things
Interestingly the other day, she had spent an hour moaning at me about how DD "should wear pretty dresses", "needs mittens", "needs more toys", "doesnt want to have a nap" etc. We then get to my grandparents who continue with this "oh boring mummy wants you to go sleep" (and I was getting a bit upset) and she stood up for me .. !! It was incredible. She said "X needs a nap otherwise she is upset in the afternoon", just what I had said to her earlier!
I hope my thicker skin will come soon.
Oh and I do put socks on her, she just pulls them off and then we lose them by the end of the day.
I used to be a bit judgy about people who's babies had no sock on
Now I know why they had no socks on, as soon as your back is turns the little beggers darlings take them off and throw them into the nearest bush
And little shoes! I used to wonder why you;d see odd baby shoes scattered about, but I guess they go the same way as the socks!
I'm glad it's not just me that feels like this! My MIL once asked me why I wasn't more confident handling my then 8 week old DS when I was trying to dress him, but it was just her being around and fiddling with him that was putting me on edge. My mum continuously mentions my DS's cold hands and has now bought him endless winter outfits. And of course the only time I managed to bash DS on the nose with his game happened to be when the MIL was round, I'm sure you can imagine the comments then!
When mine were babies I always found it easier just to smile and quietly do my own thing.People give up on the advice eventually.
LOL - and I now feel the need to say that of course he does actually have gloves but delights in pulling them off and waving them around/chewing them, anything else but wearing them.
When my DS was about 4 months old I asked my PIL if they wanted to stay for his bath. One of them duly came in to watch him splashing about. Of course because I was nervous of wanting to show I was doing a grand job I ended up splashing water in DS eyes and making him cry.
develop sarcasm until you have a thicker skin by saying when someone shows disapproval -
"Yes, it will kill him, won't it" - with a raised eyebrow
My Mum is exactly the same. My DS is 14 weeks old and already she is talking about how she will be giving him chocolate and biscuits and crisps. I keep saying he won't be allowed them til he is older and then very limited and she tells me indirectly through DS how cruel I am ie. "Oh isn't mummy mean spoiling all your fun". She contradicts herself all the time with her "advice" to me, none of which I take on board anyway cos we have very different parenting approaches. I also am having a hard time dealing with this and I am so close to storming out the next time we visit if she keeps coming out with this bollocks. She does the "cold hands and feet thing too". I think that these people choose to do this with Mum's who are coping really well and they just want to knock us down a peg or two. You are not alone I think every new Mum has some tool in their life (usually MIL or their own Mum) who does this. Try not to let it get you down, you are your DCs Mum and what you say goes, I am sure you are doing a fab job. XXX
I have sympathy! My children are 10 + 5 now, and I still get the odd comment from "well-meaning" family!
When my dd started school my in-laws used to make fun of the fact that I ensured she got her homework done every week at age 5, saying surely it wasn't necessary. If ever homework wasn't done you would always get a "teacher's comment" in the contact book to finish it next week, so I always made sure she did it!
My dd did very well in her SATS this year, (now aged 10) + instead of getting a "well done" from the in-laws, they just said, "Oh, she did well because you're a pretty laid back mum, she's never felt pressure from you with school work so she's decided to motivate herself"!!
Before her little brother started school if I walked him up there to meet her, people would say, "Oh, poor little thing being made to walk, Mummy should have brought the pushchair!" If he was in the pushchair I'd get, "Cruel Mummy strapping you in there, you should be running around!"
It does get to me but I hope I've developed a slightly thicker skin over the years!!
onthepier is right you just can't win in any situation. Someone always ends up making a sarky comment, usually through our DC's as a sly dig at us. I think you just need to be safe in the knowledge that you are doing your best and just tell them that your DC's welfare is your number one priority and that you know whether he is warm enough, what they should have to eat, how they dress etc.
I wonder why people do it?
With my mum I dont think its even meant to be critical (but clearly is), its very odd.
My poor Dh bears the brunt of it because after a day of criticism (where I bite my tongue), he walks in with an innocent "hello muck tubber" to DD eating her tea and I snap his head off, and apologise 2 minutes later!
He knows that other people cause it though
I feel very cheered up by this collection of views
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