AIBU to feel quite upset over close friend party

[grunjle]

Ok, have name changed in case she MNs (though I'm sure she doesn't)

We are very close and do loads together as families. I heard from a third party weeks ago she and dp were having a big halloween bash - adults only though. I had had heard nothing about it. I figured she'd tell me soon.
Nada. It got to the point where everyone was talking about it, and I was so sure she'd tell me any moment. Then it got to the point where it was obvious DH and I were not invited and I was mortified and too proud to mention how hurt and bewildered I felt by the ommission.
I told myself she probably had decided that as we don't have many people to ask to babysit, there was no point in asking.

I have seen her this week with the kids and all seemed well. I can't think of anything DH and I have done to offend or to explain why we weren't invited. Then on Thursday, when her dp was picking his kids up from ours he said, very casually ''you know about friday don't you?'' we said 'no'.
''Ah well'' he said, ''if you can get a sitter..''

Well, who can get a sitter with one day's notice? Abd why did they wait til the day before to invite us when it has been planned for weeks and was fancy dress so if we had gone, we'd have needed costumes.

I know i sound like a 12 year old, but I do feel so hurt and paranoid.
Would you say something to her? Or let it lie. Not sure I can let this go

[findtheriver]

TBH as they are close friends it sounds like each partner maybe assumed the other had invited you. If it was a big bash and the invites went out weeks ago, then they must have believed that you had been invited, and then I guess as you hadn't mentioned it to them, the husband just casually dropped it into conversation the other day.

It just seems very unlikely to be anything more sinister than that. Very annoying I know, and obviously most people can't get babysitters and costumes sorted in one night. But it doesn't sound like it was intentional.

If you're upset, why not bring it up with them and get together for a drink or something this week?

[warthog]

well i would be very hurt too. i know i'd react by not being so friendly, and taking a stand back. but i think the best thing to do would be to talk to her about it.

[grunjle]

I want to talk to her about it, but I'm afraid of coming across as high-maintenance (which I'm not, as a friend!) She has a very sick relative at the moment, who is probaly dying and I don't want to offload on her too much.

findtheriver, I did consider that too, but as the men meet up weekely, I find it hard to believe it was not brought up in convo earlier.

If I'm brutally honest, I am jealous too, as the person who told me about the party is a 'new' friend (much younger and 'cooler') who was all involved with making decorations etc for the event - the sort of thing I would normally have been asked to help with
God, I do sound pathetic don't I?

[amidaiwish]

maybe she sees you as "family" friends rather than "adult" friends.
maybe she thought you wouldn't know anyone there and wouldn't enjoy it?
maybe she thought it wasn't "your thing"?
maybe it was mostly work people / a semi corporate thing?
Or i think it maybe because she thought you might want/expect to bring your kids and she didn't want you to but would feel awkward saying no when her kids were there/upstairs?

there could be lots of reasons
you need to ask her - ask how it went and who was there. if it does sound like a genuine omission then tell her you would have loved to come and that your normal babysitters were already booked up. (so she knows you would have got one)

[grunjle]

well we are usually invited to their 'proper' parties too (as opposed to just the family-orientated stuff we do. It would have been nice to have been asked though. We could even have done a 'split shift' (me go for early part of night and DH for the hard-core wee hours bit IFKWIM) which we have done before when kids haven't been welcome.
Antoher friend who ais part of our close-knit circle and has children was invited. She thought it was most odd and was embarassed on our behalf but could shed any light on it all. She didnt go though as had already made other plans.

[amidaiwish]

sounds like a genuine omission then.

[grunjle]

I want to talk to her about it. What should I say?

[grunjle]

bump - want to speak to her today before this brings me really down.

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

Its a hard one but if you don't say anything, then it will eat away at you. I'd be inclinded to say ooh, how did your halloween party go then? And see what happens from there - she may fall over herself apologising that you weren't invited etc or if she just says oh it was great blah blah, then say I must be honest, I was hurt that DH and I weren't invited. If there is anything you think we need to talk about, please let me know....

Its a hard call it really is...

[Lizzylou]

Just call her and ask her.
Don't get upset or stressed, just ask if she had a good time at the party and that you were surprised that you'd only got an invitation the day before.
Ask if you've offended them.

You'll only tie yourself up in knots if you don't.

[grunjle]

I'm so relieved none of you have have told me to grow the fuck up

[Lizzylou]

Do what Puss says, far better

[eighteenstonesix]

Well,to be honest,if I was you and I knew this person SO well,I would just come right out with it.OR....Just say,"(whatever her name is),I'm a little embarrassed to ask this and I don't wish to make you feel awkward but,why weren't we invited to the party the other night?"
Hope you can get this out of your system.I know I would be feeling the same way.Good Luck.

[Surfermum]

I'd feel exactly the same grunjle. It's very hurtful.

I think Puss is spot on though. It will eat away at you so maybe it's a case of taking a deep breath and making the call.

[familybliss]

You coudl say what you wrote in your post. Or you could jokingly say, "I thought you liked me!"

If you really want to be melodramatic you could say:
"I thought we were friends, but now I feel like just another stranger."
"Do you really hold me in such low-esteem?"
"Are you embarrassed by me, so much so, that you did not wish my attendance to your party?"

You could be really petty, and do the same this Christmas.

But in all honesty, if it were me, I would NOT say anything. I would let it lie. Life's too short.

[purpleduck]

agree with Puss

[Earlybird]

How awkward and painful!

Were invitations extended verbally or via post or email? If verbally, I can see that perhaps each part of the couple thought the other had invited you. If by post or email, would be harder for it to be an accidental omission.

Do you have any idea how many people they've invited?

You say that 'we're usually invited to their proper parties too' - do you reciprocate and invite them to things? I admit to sometimes getting a bit fed up with always being hostess/extending invites to people who never/rarely reciprocate. Could that be the case here?

[grunjle]

awkward yes.
verbal/text invites.

no, I have a clear conscience on the reciprocal invite thing; in past two months have had them over for dinner with other friends (with their kids upstairs as they had no sitter), sunday dinner, and one of my kids' birthdays. And have invited them over for celebration dinner in december.

[ShinyPinkPumpkin]

I would just ask how the party went, mention that her DH invited you the day before but that was a little bit short notice to get a babysitter. I'd then casually ask if it was a last minute thing....

[GColdtimer]

I would have to say something. And I would say something like this:

"I know that this is going to sound really childish but I do want to talk to you about it. DH and were wondering if there was a reason we weren't invited to your party on Friday night. I am sure it was an oversight and I am just being silly but I need to talk to you about it because it is bothering me."

That is just what I would say - might not work for you thought!

Good luck

[grunjle]

I have texted her to ask when would be a good time for a chat about something which is bothering me...no reply yet. Hope I can get this sorted today as now I have decided to talk about it, I want to do it now

[Earlybird]

Well, awkward and painful as it is, this must be addressed. The friendship either has changed for them (for a reason you are unaware of), or it was a genuine mortifying mistake - though clearly the dh was aware of something or he wouldn't have brought it up at the last minute (which is somehow more insulting).

If you don't discuss/resolve this, the friendship won't recover. I think I'd leave it a few days, then invite her for a coffee and a chat so you can talk about it properly - rather than a snatched conversation at the school gates, etc.

I wouldn't go into a long-winded set-up, just say something like 'I want to talk to you about your Halloween party and ask why we weren't invited' and let her respond. Don't apologise for being 'juvenile' or go into anything about babysitters, etc. Just let her talk and see what she says.

[illgohometotara]

Could she have sent you a text you didn't receive friend is on virgin network and I have not been getting her texts?

[Earlybird]

Personally, I wouldn't go into the 'sorry for being childish...sure it was an oversight...being silly but I need to talk' approach recommended by twofalls. It completely negates the fact that this was painful, and has upset you - you should NOT apoligise for how you feel, imo, as it is completely understandable and legitimate given the relationship you thought you shared.

But, neither would I go overboard and take the victim/martyr/guilt-trip approach.

Just ask your friend about it in a straightforward way, and see what she says. Based on her response, you can then talk about how you feel/felt, etc.

[Earlybird]

apologise (sp)