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AIBU to be annoyed at PIL?

(18 Posts)
mum2niamh Thu 30-Oct-08 10:57:16

Okay, doing this quickly as I’m at work. I’m really p*ssed at my in laws today. I have never had a good relationship with them, especially not MIL, but it has gotten worse since I fell pg with dd who is nearly 9 months now.

MIL disapproved of everything I intended to do with dd and criticises everything I do now. She is competitive with my mum, moaning about how my mum sees dd more (she doesn’t work, MIL does, and my mum babysits whilst I work). MIL would turn up unannounced at the most inappropriate times etc and make ‘jokes’ about how I couldn’t cook etc (MIL has a cleaner hmm)….argh, I could go on!

Anyway, it has been slightly better as DH grew some balls (but they must be tiny cos he’s only become SLIGHTLY more supportive LOL). We see PILs less and always at our house, this makes me feel more comfortable and more assertive as it’s MY territory. MIL is not too happy about this, moaning that she is being neglected, not trusted etc.

Well, this morning DH tells me they are not getting me anything for my birthday this weekend. DH says this is because they are just going to concentrate on dd’s Christmas (which I will come to in a minute). They always got me a present and a card. I feel this year they are ‘protesting’ if you like. For MILs birthday we got her a £50 beauty treatment voucher (she gave it to her other DIL!!!) and for grandparents day the other month, it was me not DH, who bought her £40 flowers, as a means of trying to improve things. angry

AIBU to be p*ssed that they won’t even give me a card? DH is being an idiot again, saying I’m too old for presents etc angry

As for xmas, she is behaving similar to the MIL mentioned in a post below – wanting to know what we are buying and ESPECIALLY what my parents are buying – get the impression she wants to get better presents. We are buying dd 3 presents and she is moaning that there will be nothing left for her to buy…WTF???

We are going to hers for xmas lunch – my parents are abroad – and DH won’t hear of us staying at home just ourselves. Her whole family will be there, cue lots of back up for her….argh.

AIBU to be p*ssed at all this?

Ebb Thu 30-Oct-08 11:19:01

No YANBU. Your MIL sounds like a right cow. Fine if they don't want to buy a present for you but a not even a card - that's just damn rude! And to give away her birthday gift from you?! I wouldn't bother with her next birthday!

I thank my lucky stars that my MIL ( well to be if DP ever gets round to asking me.....wink) if lovely and although I cringe at some of the outfits she buys or knits for DS, she is an angel compared to a lot of the MIL's on this board!!!

Sorry I can't offer much advice but sending my commiserations and a virtual bitch slap for your MIL! grin

thumblesswitch Thu 30-Oct-08 11:27:14

no YANBU at all, as Ebb says, she sounds like a real cowbag. angry for you.

Be grateful you aren't getting a b'day present or card, it would probably be snide or insulting in some way and that would be more upsetting; and then don't bother with anything for her again, since she clearly doesn't appreciate it and after all, she is older than you and therefore by your DH's reasoning, MUCH too old for presents!! (Bring that up if he mentions it)

AS for Crimbo, you will just have to bite the bullet this time and then don't do it again next year.

I like the virtual bitch-slap; add my favourite curse to it "may the fleas of a thousand camels infest her armpits!" grin

piratecat Thu 30-Oct-08 11:28:08

no, goes to read op's op!!

cocoleBOO Thu 30-Oct-08 11:29:49

Don't get her anymore presents or cards, if it's brought up say 'oh, I thought that's what we were doing now'.

Tell her you don't know what your parents are buying, it's a surprise.

Tell DH his balls need to grow a few more inches grin.

piratecat Thu 30-Oct-08 11:29:53


what IS it with dps dhs, and their bloody mothers.

WifeandMotherof4 Thu 30-Oct-08 11:31:11

Good gracious....I hate my PILs too!!!

MollyCherry Thu 30-Oct-08 11:31:40

Am absolutely gobsmacked that your MIl gave away the birthday gift you gave her - what a bloody cheek!

I don't get on with my MIL and have constant granny wars to contend with, especially at Christmas, which has been such a nightmare the last few years I have been physically ill over it - so I can really sympathise.

Firstly, I would leave it up to your DH to sort out cards/presents for his family in the future. I usually say to mine a few days before 'Have you sorted out something for your Mum's birthday on Saturday?' and otherwise let him get on with it.

Rather than tell her what other people are buying - you can pretend your parents haven't told you - can you give her a few suggestions of what she could get your DD (preferably via hubby - so you don't have to deal with her getting pushy or argumentative).

Why won't your DH stay at home? I've had to put my foot down a couple of times over this - for LO's 1st Christmas, and last year, because the previous 2 yrs logistics and arguements had pissed me off so much. If you can talk him round, that sounds like the best option - say how nice it will be for DD to be in her own home, that you can all enjoy each other for the day and she will get to play with her presents without being overwhelmed by distant family members.

Failing that, the only thing I can suggest is what I do when I have to go to these events. Fortunately I get on OK with FIL and BIL's and their partners, so I just offer to help MIL, invariably get told 'no', then get stuck into conversations with the rest of them and playing with my DD, and avoid her as much as possible for the rest of the time.

Best of luck!!!

DesperateHousewifeToo Thu 30-Oct-08 11:33:57

Your Mil in law sounds dreadful.

I would back off and stop buying her nice things if she can't be more civil towards you. Is she insists on not approving of anything you buy (probably because you have stolen her son's affections), you may as well only make a token gesture.

Or, you could say how relieved you are that she doesn't want to do 'adult presents' anymore and then not buy her anything.

mum2niamh Thu 30-Oct-08 11:44:06

hi, I cannot get out of not going, DH won't let me not go. I like most of his family, it's really just MIL and BIL/his GF who bother me. Part of the reason I don't want to go is because there will be about 15 members of the family there and could be too much for dd. Plus we won't be allowed to only stay for 2 hours or so, no, it has to be the whole day and so what if dd is getting upset?

thumblesswitch Thu 30-Oct-08 11:52:19

oh hey, who is going to stop you leaving if it is in the best interests of your DD? I know it is a fearsome situation and you are sounding somewhat powerless in it but be the lioness mother that you can be, if you need to be, and say she is upset and we are leaving.

Am for you - it does sound horrendous.

clam Thu 30-Oct-08 11:56:01

"DH won't let me not go."
hmm angry Seriously?
Do you not have equal rights in this relationship?
"we won't be allowed to only stay for 2 hours or so" You're an adult. No one can force you to stay anywhere against your will.
Agree with thunblesswitch. It sounds horrendous. sad

Upwind Thu 30-Oct-08 11:56:54

If you want to leave, how can he stop you?

lizziemun Thu 30-Oct-08 12:18:45

Tell him that if dd is getting upset and can not be settled then you will be taking your dd home and he can find his own way home if he is prepared to upset his dd over his mother.

pamelat Thu 30-Oct-08 12:52:59

I would publically announce that you have heard (before your bday) that the "family" are no longer doing cards or presents for anyone other than childrens birthdays. I would then go on to say how delighed I was by this "idea" and say that you had always found MIL so hard to buy for ie) difficult!!

Upwind Thu 30-Oct-08 12:56:53

Pamelat's advice is ingenius!

You can't do much about your MIL's behaviour, but you can do a lot about how it affects you. You don't have to be passive, take control. You are your dd's mother, and you control access to her. If you don't want to spend all of Christmas day with your PIL, don't.

Wigglesworth Thu 30-Oct-08 13:11:34

If you do not want to spend all Xmas at your PIL's don't. Lay down the law with your spineless DH before you go to their house, if DD is getting fretful you are off. She is more important than your MIL and the rest of the gobshite family. It sounds stressful at the best of times let alone having to deal with it whilst your DD is breaking her heart. Your MIL sounds like a right bitch I feel bad for you.

TwoFoggy Thu 30-Oct-08 17:57:52

genious Pamelet

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