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to think my mother should step back a bit

(18 Posts)
jammi Thu 30-Oct-08 09:13:50

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jammi Thu 30-Oct-08 09:15:42

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Anna8888 Thu 30-Oct-08 09:18:08

Jammi - your mother isn't respecting your parenting choices (which seem perfectly reasonable to me smile) and seems to think that because she helps you out in many ways, she has a right to comment on your parenting style (she doesn't).

I think you need to try to find a quiet moment to discuss this with her. You need to be clear about where the boundaries lie: you are the mother and your mother must not undermine your parenting decisions in front of your children (and she ought to respect them in any case).

Tough, I know smile

TheHedgeWitch Thu 30-Oct-08 09:22:08

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2point4kids Thu 30-Oct-08 09:22:31

Sorry, but I think you are worn out and very tired and that is clouding your judgement a little bit.
I dont think your Mum is being unreasonable, she is trying to help, thats all.

Row 1 - yes, very annoying her attitude about BFing, but perhaps she doesnt fully understand the benefits and why you are sticking with it? She is probably just concerned about you being so tired with it.

Row 2 - she wanted to give your Ds1 a lift home instead of him having to getting the bus - this is just typical gran behaviour - wanting to be nice! The only reason you told your DS to get the bus was to not put your Mum out by having to give him a lift. When she wanted to give him a lift, it defeats the point a little bit when you tell her off for it.

Row 3 - You didnt want your DS1 to go out as he had to wait in for parcels. Your Mum saw that the postman had been and therefore no reason for him to say in any longer. Its common sense thats all and certainly n reason fo a big row when she is doing you a favour by babysitting.

Sorry, but I think you are being a bit unreasonable here. Your Mum sounds lovely and willing to help a lot. You should give her a break and accept her help with a little bit more flexibility.

cocoleBOO Thu 30-Oct-08 09:28:19

You phoned your Mum to 'give you a hand with the house'. Does that mean you phoned her to come and clean your house for you? Why should she? Lots of parents struggled with tiredness and messy houses, you sound like it's all take on your side, your Mum sounds more than generous with her time.

TwoFoggy Thu 30-Oct-08 09:31:50

I agree with Anna, also it might be easier to have a bit of space rather than a row? She might unerstand more if she takes a step back too. YANBU

jammi Thu 30-Oct-08 09:34:44

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Hmm, difficult situation. It sounds like these 3 rows are just examples of what has been going on for years, if I am understanding your OP correctly.

If it were just the three incidents that you describe, then I would say that you are being a bit unreasonable, I suspect though that they were the straw that broke the camel's back. In which case you have to sit down with your mum and try and talk it through with her calmly and without shouting.

Would it help if you wrote her a letter, so that she could understand your feelings?

It sounds like your DS is used to the fact that if mum does not let him do what he wants, then his granny will. That is not ok, she cannot undermine your authority in this way.

Perhaps you should try to concentrate on the bigger issue, her undermining you with your DS1 and just ignore her when she talks about your breastfeeding DS2. That is probably only getting you so upset because of the other issues.

cocoleBOO Thu 30-Oct-08 10:49:16

Just re-read my post, I didn't mean to sound so harsh. Sorry.

jammi Fri 31-Oct-08 00:54:37

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jammi Fri 31-Oct-08 01:05:54

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StewieGriffinsMom Fri 31-Oct-08 08:24:05

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StewieGriffinsMom Fri 31-Oct-08 08:25:43

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Freckle Fri 31-Oct-08 08:56:25

It certainly sounds as though your mum feels that she can indulge ds1 with impunity because she helps out. Can you point out that ds1 didn't sleep through until about 5 when he was bottlefed, so why does she feel that ds2 not sleeping well is your fault due to the breastfeeding? It's just not a logical stance.

I do think you need to agree some ground rules. Set out how you want things to proceed and ask her to abide by your rules, failing which you will be placing ds2 with a childminder. It's her choice as to what happens later, but you have to be strong and stick to your guns or she'll be undermining you with ds2 before you know it.

yomellamoHelly Fri 31-Oct-08 09:10:58

First off I think you need to find a way of catching up on sleep. I find lack of it really affects my view on the world.
Secondly I think you need to start laying down some boundaries. I think the place to start is to agree that when at your mum's house she and ds1 can do what they like, but at your's your rules apply. You'll agree to bite your lips at hers and she has to do the same at yours (apart from some basics like no hitting, throwing things whatever ..) Then I'd agree times for them to be together and avoid being around at the same time. I'd be quite strict about enforcing come home / pick up times and see how it goes from there. So in a sense you avoid seeing too much of each other when your ds1 is about!
I think I'd also try and schedule in some time with ds1 talking about his day or doing something he loves together and build your relationship together. It's probably been unsettling for him since his brother arrived too so that may be why he loves going to his gm so much - for that one on one attention.
I wouldn't worry about ds2 so much. He's still so little. His relationship with his gm will follow. You just need to sort it out with ds1 first and then the same rules can apply
I think the weight issue is rubbish and you can put that to one side. Your lo is still tiny and it'll sort itself out over time (took me 2 years with ds1). FWIW bfing may help resolve it anyway (provided you're not going too mad for the cakes!).
Well done on bfing for so long btw.

Bubbaluv Fri 31-Oct-08 09:16:47

Sounds to me like your DS1 is not neccessarily telling your Mum the rules that you set out for him if they don't suit him.

findtheriver Fri 31-Oct-08 10:04:35

hmmm sounds complicated.
Re: the bf and the weight issue - I think you need to stand firm over this. It is YOUR baby, YOUR body - just tell her firmly that you have decided to bf and you don't wish to discuss any further.

The rest is more complex, because although you've had these rows with your mum, it's also clear that you depend on her hugely and that she helps out a lot with childcare when you are on courses etc, helps with housework etc.

This type of thing occurs frequently on MN when there is a blurring of the boundaries ie lack of clarity about WHO has parenting responsibilities. TBH I think you need to create some space - and that will mean not being so reliant on your mum for helping you with your house and kids. It will seem hard when that's what you're both used to. But I think you need to take a step back and re - establish that YOU are in charge. Once you have achieved that, your relationship should hopefully improve. It's also about giving your mum the chance to enjoy being a grandparent rather than having the worries and responsibilities of being a parent. She needs to see that you are perfectly capable of running your home and raising your kids - and that anything she can offer is a bonus, not essential to you. It's so easy for guilt and a sense of being 'beholden' to someone to creep in with this kind of scenario, which does no one any good.

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