to get annoyed at my mother's attitude that because dh earns a decent wage we shouldn'tever budget?(29 Posts)
We are very fortunate in that dh earns a good salary. The price we pay for it is that he commutes 4 hours a day (two hours each way) to his job, but he loves his job and it pays well enough that i can afford to be a sahm. We are by no means loaded but yes we are comfortably off, but imo we are fortunate and I try to never take that for granted as anything can change.
My mother on the other hand is constantly throwing the fact that we "have money" (I'm not sure how much she thinks we have but suspect she thinks it's more than it actually is ) in my face. "if I had your money, I would have a cleaner/gardener" etc. And if ever I talk of having to buy something and it's something I can either not afford or justify paying for she will say "well it's not as if you haven't got the money is it?"
I am very careful with money. I'm not a scruge but I don't see the need too spend oney for the sake of spending it, iyswim? she on the other hand spends money left right and centre and then goes on about how she shouldn't be spending it.
This morning she has had yet another pop. I need a new mobile phone. But because of long complicated reasons the cheapest one I can buy will be around £400. I don't want to pay that much for a mobile phone. I begrudge the fact that because I need a specific phone (am VI so need a phone that works with software that can only be installed on the most expensive phones on the market) I have to pay such an extortionate amount for one. and her view? "well it's not as if you can't afford it is it?"
Ibu to be pissed off at this attitude of hers that I should just be pissing money up the wall just because it's there?
I would simply say 'you know what mum, it's got sod all to do with you.' But maybe phrase it nicer.
I can see how its annoying though.
What is VI? I am not understanding why you need a #400 phone. I'm not questioning it either just intrigued as to why.
As regards your mother. YANBU. We see things not as they are but as we are. She is a spend thrift ergo she cannot understand why you wouldn't be. I think the only solution is to ignore her or perhaps tell her to mind her own business.
VI is visually impaired RantinEminor. Therefore, Wannabe needs a specific phone.
The OP is partially sighted iirc, is that right? So it's a special phone. God, mums hey? They can't half say outrageous things!
I think in a perfect world I'd say "no mum, you're right, it's great that we can afford it, absolutely!" with a smile in your voice and leave it at that. That way you're not giving her a fight, you're not arguing, you're just agreeing and staying cheerful and not letting it get to you.
I'd either do that or scream "Oh fffkings wtf has it to do with you?" But I think my first idea is proably more sensible and the better course of action.
I have ti the opposite way, if i buy something that is not an essential i get my mother breathing down my neck with 'should you be saving that money?' 'did you really need that' and 'where did you get the money from?' it is really annoying.
VI is visually impaired. there is a piece of software called talks (basically a text to speach programme) which makes the mobile phone accessible, meaning I can use all the features (well the camera is questionable ]) but it is only compatible with certain phones.
And although it is compatible with a whole series of phones most of them are no longer on the market so I'm tied to having to buy top of the range phones just so I can have one which is accessible.
How does your mum know what your Dh earns? Is it just an assumption you are loaded?
Can you develop some useful retorts to drag out whenever required.
Bummer re phone. I always assume when there is a genuine need, you at least get VAT off or similar. Do I live in a dream world?
I think we must have the same mother NDTHW.
If i do ever buy something then mention it to her she tells me off for 'rubbing it in' how much money we have!
We are not by any means loaded but not skint either, i can't win with her.
NDTH- your mum sounds just like my MIL!
Whenever she sees us, which isn't very often, we get the whole, 'oh, are they new clothes that the childen are wearing? Are you sure you can afford to buy them new clothes?'
Well the funny thing is, children grow, ergo they need bigger clothes. Often the clothes that dd2 is wearing and MIL is commenting on used to belong to dd1- if she spent more time with them, she may recognise the same outfits being worn in rotation! Most of the time they are from Ebay anyway!
So OP, no YANBU. Tell your mum to mind her own!
it is an assumption.
She is way off the mark - she has for instance suggested that we should buy a second home by the sea. dh's earnings certainly wouldn't cover that!
RR you are right re vat exemption on certain products - the disabled are exempt from vat on certain things such as the access software for computers, but sadly mobile phones aren't covered by that.
I guess it's probably because although it's useful to be able to use all the features of a phone it's not a necessity, and you could just buy a 20 quid phone to make phone calls and do without the text messaging/address book/calendar etc. But once you become used to being able to use all these features it's hard to go back to being without them.
Aren't mums great?!?! I have just spent a couple of days at my parents house with thekids for half term, and my mother was constantly going on about dh's job. Like the OP I aminthe fortunate position to be able to be a sahm due to dhs job, and in the current economic climate dh is doing a "roaring trade" (he is an insolvency lawyer). Somy mother was constntly going on about how dh will no doubt be getting a big bonus etc etc.
Can't you just say something like "You obvioulsy think we have a lot more money than we really do Mum".
£400 for a phone is heaps of money even if you were loaded. Can you not get one second hand?
Maybe tell her that being a SAHM is the only real indulgence you can afford, that this is the most important thing to you and that the only way to make it work is to budget carefully...assuming she doesn't know exactly how much your dh earns?
If only mothers could be more supportive of their grown up kids
- must make a note of this to myself for the future!!
This sort of thing happens to me all the time.
Same situation where dh earns a fairly good wage but in reality without his bonuses his basic wage just about covers our outgoings.
My parents cannot understand how we are not spending £50k on an extension because we simply cannot afford it. They think we are nuts and compromising our living quality because of it, which we admittedly are a bit but I'd rather have a crap kitchen than be another 50k in debt iyswim?
And they don't get how I won't, for example, buy a new pair of £50 shoes because I haven't got the money for them. I could if I took the money out of the savings but thats not the point is it? I can't take all my money out of the savings. I need to live on my budget or the savings won't be there much longer.
My inlaws are worse in that they assume because we have a brand new car that we can afford to pay for everything when we all go out. Dh ends up constantly paying for SIL's family of 5's food or days out if he's there. It drives me nuts! We have not got that sort of money at all. But dh is too nice to say anything and doesn't like comfrontation so just hands over the cash and we go without later on.
Anyway. Ignore your mum or tell her politely to not talk about money with you (does mean you'll have to refrain from talking money to her too but it'd be worth it so keep her quiet! LOL)
My MIL is the opposite, she's always saying 'I don't know how you can afford that, and when I said I was going to treat myself in December when I was in London' her response was 'well you can ill afford to take money with you to treat yourself'
We do ok our household income is around 33 grand, we both work hard for it, we are no means rich but I save £400.00 in ISA's so we are not poor.
Mothers and MIL's aye .
Grin next time and say you're doing ok.
It sounds like you need the phone and is not a imulse purchase.
Thanks for the clarification Wannabe and others.
I can understand why you would wince at £400 but it sounds as though the phone is worth having.
I think your mother should be delighted that she has raised a sensible daughter who isn't wazzing her money up the wall. Remind her, we're about to enter a recession and that we all need to be careful with money.
I think there are lots of lessons to be learned from the behaviors of our parents.
even though I am astonishingly frugal compared to my generation, I haven't got a patch on my parents who would win awards for their penny-pinching. "I was 7 before I saw an orange" etc etc etc...
This is unusual role reversal.
I think you're wise to put some away. A friend of mine lives in a 1.3 million house, husband lost the job, can't sell, can't pay mortgage. The "dream" can crumble over night if you're not looking around the corner.
My Mum can be a bit like this without knowledge of the fact. In our case part of it is because we (DH and I) have very different spending priorities than Mum and Dad do. Mum and Dad have a couple of old bangers with 1.0 litre engines that they drive into the ground and frequently break down in. DH has a company car which is obviously fairly new and is actually quite a nice car, and, as I have a motorway commute to work, I always have a reasonably reliable but small car which we replace every 5 years or so by putting £100/month into a cash ISA.
OTOH my Mum and Dad go abroad at least 3 times a year, ie for all my Dad's annual leave except Christmas - although new year in Paris is not unknown. We have maximum of one foreign holiday a year.
And, of course, I think she tends to discount the thousands of pounds we have spent on childcare over the years.
I think some people are just a bit ignorant/innocent about how much things cost. Does your mum manage her own money? Unless you are lucky enough to have a very well paid job in a very cheap area, there is no getting around the fact that after you have paid for a roof over your head, rates, tax, food, clothes, pension, saving for a rainy day, petrol, car repairs, etc. etc. there isn't much left over for a cruise around the caribbean.
On the other hand, there will always be people who think that once you earn a wage of x you are rich, and if you are rich you can buy anything you want. Its irritating, and YANBU. On the other hand atleast you aren't married to her. That would be really irritating.
YANBU - my Mother, my in laws, in fact all my sodding family think we should be swooping around in a helicopter while sprinkling diamond dust.
Our house is always a bit of a tip - I work from home - which brings on much gurning and suggestions that I employ a housekeeper.
It's not that I'm a martyre - jeez, we have a cleaner and a gardener - but I'm not Maddonna ifswim
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