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DH had a minor operation today and I feel so guilty....

(49 Posts)
makeminealargeoneplease Tue 28-Oct-08 21:54:10

DH has had an operation today to remove a varicose vein in his leg, apparently it was much more involved than he thought and involved 5 people in the theatre cutting away at his leg sad. Anyway, he went in at 1.00pm, he thought it would be over in an hour and I'd pick him up at 2 or 3pm. He's been checked over and in theatre and checked over again until 6pm sad. When I said goodbye I wished him luck and cuddled him,said it will be ok, he was very reluctant and was very cold like I'd not given him enough attention in the run up to it hmm what should I have done? I feel like I should have done something but I didn't....felt very guilty that I hadn't done 'more'??? Go to pick him up at 6pm and when I get there I have a ferking flat tyre....he is not impressed at all and just wants to go home but we have 90min wait for RAC man to come and sort it out, kids (DD-3 and DS -20months) are demolishing his room, making lots of noise, poking him in his hurty bandaged up leg, that kind of thing and I am apparently not doing enough to keep them under control...I end up feeling like I am just a shit, uncaring, wife. I never seem to do the right thing in these situations, whatever I do is not enough, I greeted him with his favourite chocolate, and Mr Kiplings French Fancies, which are his favourite smile....but didn't seem to be that touched by it. RAC man came and repaired the tyre, I drived us home (and of course I instructed on how to drive on the way home, and telling me what lane to get into and grabbing the wheel etc etc. Thank god he was there, or we might all of died!!!!! [hmmm]) I've completely messed up this one by the looks of things but just tell me...what the FERK is a wife to do in these situations, I feel so guilty!!!, Just taken him up some homemade sausage casserole, and french fancies laid out all nicely, like they do in hospital, on a bed tray....he seemed impressed..."mmmm, ahh thats nice" he said. Blokes could never cope with childbirth could they, or am I being too sceptial??

expatinscotland Tue 28-Oct-08 21:56:42

He's being a baby.

YANBU.

You can't expect to be mollycoddled by Mummy once you have young children yourself.

What doesn't kill you makes you tougher.

differentWitch Tue 28-Oct-08 21:57:39

I think someone has been manipulated quite nicely. What's he like when he catches a cold?

ohIdoliketobebesidethe Tue 28-Oct-08 21:58:48

I hope he treated you that well post natally.

morningpaper Tue 28-Oct-08 21:59:00

awww you are all meanies

we all need to be babied sometimes

LittleMonkeysMummy Tue 28-Oct-08 21:59:57

I hope he gets better soon. Maybe he wasn't being cold - maybe he was just incredibly nrevous! I remember my dad being like this before he wentin for a heart bypass. He's said afer that he know he was being a completely grumpy s**t but he felt that if he told us all how he was really feeling that he'd only terrify us all (including my mother who is a natural born worrier at the best of times)

I'm sure with lots of cuddles from the kids and some TLC he'll be as good as new!!

expatinscotland Tue 28-Oct-08 22:02:03

'we all need to be babied sometimes'

no, no we don't.

he's a grown man with two young kids acting like a brat.

'I am apparently not doing enough to keep them under control...I end up feeling like I am just a shit, uncaring, wife. I never seem to do the right thing in these situations, whatever I do is not enough, I greeted him with his favourite chocolate, and Mr Kiplings French Fancies, which are his favourite ....but didn't seem to be that touched by it. RAC man came and repaired the tyre, I drived us home (and of course I instructed on how to drive on the way home, and telling me what lane to get into and grabbing the wheel etc etc. Thank god he was there, or we might all of died!!!!! [hmmm]) I've completely messed up this one by the looks of things but just tell me...what the FERK is a wife to do in these situations, I feel so guilty!!!, Just taken him up some homemade sausage casserole, and french fancies laid out all nicely, like they do in hospital, on a bed tray....he seemed impressed..."mmmm, ahh thats nice" he said. '

that's just fuckwittage. he had varicose veins removed, not a prostatectomy.

expatinscotland Tue 28-Oct-08 22:02:51

he's an adult.

if you're scared or nervous, you tell people that, not act like a 13-year-old on his period.

PortofinoPumpkin Tue 28-Oct-08 22:07:45

I think it's understandable to be nervous and a bit strange BEFORE an op. I hate anyything medical with a passion and would be extremely stressed even by a minor op. But not afterwards. He is NOT a baby. Fair enough to make a bit of a a fuss - but don't let him milk it!

LittleMonkeysMummy Tue 28-Oct-08 22:08:05

Sorry Expat but my dad knew that by telling us how he was really feeling that he would only make my mum more nervous and anxious. He's not a wimp...he was in the firearms in the police ffs.

Are all your family brave little soldiers then?

LittleMonkeysMummy Tue 28-Oct-08 22:10:22

He's maybe still not feeling great after having had anesthetic. Doesn't agree with everyone!

tissy Tue 28-Oct-08 22:18:02

who said that there were five people cutting away at his leg? hmm Highly unlikely, IMO. There may have been five people in theatre; anaesthetist, anaesthetic nurse, surgeon, scrub nurse, circulating nurse (goes and gets things). Surgeon may have had an assistant. Most of the people in theatre won't have been cutting away at his leg.

He may have been mis-informed about the timing, for day surgery, in at1pm and out at six is pretty standard- it does not mean that anything went wrong- the pre=-op checks, anaesthetic and recovery take far longer than the actual cutting (IIRC about 40 mins to an hour depending on what was done).

makeminealargeoneplease Wed 29-Oct-08 07:30:08

Tissy, that was just me using poetic licence....he didn't use these words, he said there were 5 or so people in theatre. He didn't think it was going to be like that at all, he thought it was going to be a really simple procedure, yes I think he was mis-informed. I think he was led to believe it was like having a mole removed or something, just a quick laser removal, which was not the case. His leg is completely bandaged up and he can't walk properly and it hurts him if anyone merely brushes past it, he wouldn't be exaggerating this, thats not like him.
He could well have been nervous before, it would be like him not to open up about these kind of feelings but he did seem to channel this at my expense. But hey.....I have been guilty of that, when I was pregnant I was a nightmare to live with. I'm also pretty shit when I'm ill, but then again, I have two young children to look after, so don't really get chance to be ill!! Superwoman me!
I must admit he is not the best patient in the world and I am definitely not the best nurse, so there is a bit of a clash when he's ill (and yes, and when he has a cold.....hmm ). As someone who has had a CS and VBAC, and yet still had to get on with daily life from the minute they were born, seeing to the babies through the night and as a breastfeeder, obviously this was all done singlehandedly. He is a great dad though and did what he could so I let him off the breastfeeding! I just find it difficult not to compare it to my time postnatally.

I do believe everyone needs to be babied at times like these...I guess I'm not very good at doing the babying!

branflake81 Wed 29-Oct-08 07:37:59

I think you're all being a bit harsh. Poor bloke has just had an operation, ffs. He's hardly going to be jumping around and affectionate and warm. Give him a break.

Eve34 Wed 29-Oct-08 07:38:54

You think you have been mean, my DP spent a weekend away fishing, on returning home he complained about pains in his tummy, me being unsympathetic said he needed to poo. He said it was unbearable - looked ok to me, he took himself to the hospital and had his appendix out the following day. I will never live it down.

Anna8888 Wed 29-Oct-08 08:12:45

YANBU.

I had a varicose vein operation that involved two nights in hospital. I went there on my own in a taxi and left on my own in a taxi and no-one visited, and went home and got on with life.

Men are such babies about their health...

bozza Wed 29-Oct-08 08:18:32

Well if I needed an operation I would certainly not be getting a taxi. DH would be providing that service as I did for him when he had his wisdom teeth out.

Anna8888 Wed 29-Oct-08 08:20:16

LOL. I got a taxi to my eye op too (laser surgery).

bozza Wed 29-Oct-08 08:27:58

I suppose a slight difference on that one is that you live in a big city and we live in a village several miles from the hospital with a less than reliable taxi service.

I have also used DH as a taxi service when DS has had day surgery. Saves messing about finding a parking space, he can drop us off right by the door and pick us up in the 20 min parking spaces.

Anna8888 Wed 29-Oct-08 08:31:52

Definitely, it is very easy to get about here using public transport/taxis/feet which of course is usually impossible in a village where one is car dependent.

I believe that everyone in a family should, as far as possible, get themselves around and about. I want the children to use the bus/foot/scooter/taxi where appropriate and not get used to being chauffeured around, and I think I need to practise what I preach smile

morningpaper Wed 29-Oct-08 09:04:05

but sometimes it's nice just to do something kind Anna, isn't it, when someone is nervous or vulnerable? Or even if they aren't? Life isn't one big competition to be big and brave and self-reliant all the time! Blimey you lot are cruel

Anna8888 Wed 29-Oct-08 09:12:26

Oh God, I hate being faffed over and chauffeured around wink - I don't perceive it as kindness. I like being left to get on with things on my own and to be allowed to be self-reliant. But I agree that that comes down to personality type and isn't universal.

bozza Wed 29-Oct-08 09:14:38

I agree with mp really. I think for everyday things like going to school etc Anna's way is correct. But an operation is not an everyday thing. It is an occasion for TLC. My 4yo nephew had an operation to correct a squint on Monday - I got DS and DD to make him cards and enclosed a little Cars tatoo and single halloween chocolate in each and sent them off just to let him know we were thinking about him.

expatinscotland Wed 29-Oct-08 11:16:26

she was kind and in return he was an arse.

he needs to get over it.

'I must admit he is not the best patient in the world and I am definitely not the best nurse, so there is a bit of a clash when he's ill (and yes, and when he has a cold..... ).'

he's one of those manflu types.

better you than me!

there is no way i'd have the patience for a 'man' like this.

i don't dish it out to my man anymore than i'd take it.

luckily, my man is tough and has a sky high pain threshold for pain.

i was the one cringing and continually asking him if he were okay last time he went through a bad absess and molar extraction and when he had DD2s name and a rose (her name) tattoed on his shoulder.

looked gnarly, but he's made of the hard stuff .

he's planning another tatt for our son.

OrmIrian Wed 29-Oct-08 11:19:16

Sounds like the OP had been kind though.

Maybe he was feeling a bit ill after the op. But to demand extra fuss and attention and not be appreciative of the fuss that was made, is ungrateful and childish.

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