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To still have a problem with this friend? I know I should be "nice" but...

(9 Posts)
snowleopard Mon 27-Oct-08 20:43:32

We have friends who met through us - the woman was my flatmate and the man was DP's oldest friend. For 10 years we've been a foursome, live near each other, hang out, even some holidays together. They always had an odd relationship where she called the shots and he appeared to be a doormat, but we thought they were happy.

Then this spring, he had an affair with a colleague, decided to leave to be with her and her kids in another town (he and his DP have no kids) and revealed all to his DP. Followed by the whole thing collapsing as he realised it was all based on nothing and he didn't really want to leave his home, it was just an infatuation etc. But their relationship had broken down so we let him stay with us.

I assumed he would have his tail between his legs and show some humility and helpfulness, but he was bacisally crap. he did hardly any housework, seriously outstayed his welcome (he was here 3 months) and completely failed to respect my wishes as regards not being around when I needed to work (I work at home, shouldn't have been a problem as he has a f-t job, but he kept turning up mid-afternoon) and also, which infuriated me, agreeing to be out when we had a babysitter (agency, not a friend he knew), then turning up mid-evening. He got pissed, made a mess all the time... I feel bad because he did make the occasional effort to make a gesture eg buying takeaways, but that's not the same as doing the fecking dishes... he was less helpful than my 3yo DS!

I really had my fill of him and was furious by the time he finally left - he got a rented flat after months of turning his nose up at what was available, when my DP finally insisted he shift his arse and stop being such a prima donna about finding the perfect flat. angry

Meanwhile, he and his (ex?) DP are having counselling (which is going appallingly according to her), trying to talk things over, supposedly considering getting back together etc but it's been over 6 months now and I get the feeling it's not happening. At first she needed a lot of support of course but now she says she doesn't want to discuss it with anyone - I suspect because people will tell her to end it once and for all - and it's just in limbo. He hasn't crawled or begged for forgiveness, he's just blobbing in his flat and being a bit crap, and she's apparently putting off the inevitable. Or maybe they will get back together, I don't know. It's awkward because he still winds me up so much, I really don't want to see him, but he's DP's mate and DP has him round a lot. Xmas is coming which we usually do with them, and we also usually go away with them at new year, and I'm dreading it. But DP gets upsets if I'm not nice to this man because he's had a rough time and needs friends etc.

Am I a cow? I'm really struggling to be civil to him and he can tell. And if we all do have to rub along I'm not sure how I can start feeling better about it.

Sorry long, maybe I just need to rant about it, but if anyone has wise words...

cheeset Mon 27-Oct-08 20:52:29

OMG you need some distance from all of this! For goodness sake, it's not your relationship its him and his partners! I completely understand how you feel, I felt stressed reading thissmile

Sorry, tell them both to get on with it, show your dp this post.
Good luck

cheeset Mon 27-Oct-08 20:54:25

From what youv'e put, he sounds like a right loser and I suspect he isn't really committed to this relationship now anyway and is treading water IYSWIM.

YeahBut Mon 27-Oct-08 20:55:13

God, you let this man stay in your flat for 3 months. How much nicer does your dp want you to be?

mitfordsisters Mon 27-Oct-08 21:07:26

He sounds really annoying, and if you have christmas and new year with them, won't you just be shoring up their relationship (which by the sound of it is over anyway). One of them needs to end it, and you can't do it. Just because you and dh fixed them up, doesn't make you both their mum and dad, though you may be adopting those roles.

I think you should tell dh that you need your space and if he wants to see blobby nob head, then why can't they go to the pub and leave you in peace! And that christmas/new year traditions have to change.

You're not a cow btw - you are a leopard!

snowleopard Mon 27-Oct-08 21:11:12

You're right cheeset, we're very close to this. We have been in each other's pockets for 10 years... DP and I were very upset when it first happened and just wanted to help. I think that has probably contributed to how pissed off I feel now...

Friendship matters a lot to DP, he hates it if people don't all get on. Yes, I would happily leave them to it but this bloke is round here regularly because he's DP's friend. And I just know if they want to do xmas etc with us, DP will want it to happen and I will be the villain of the piece for not wanting it. Ugh.

soultaken Mon 27-Oct-08 21:15:14

does your dp know he kept coming home in the afternoon when he knew you'd be alone?

snowleopard Mon 27-Oct-08 21:17:26

You're exactly right mitford. When this man was staying with us it was like having a messy teenager and he did treat us like his parents. I know from DP that he is upset now because he thinks I don't like him, playground-stylee. He is too immature to grasp that he brought this on himself.

DP knows exactly how I feel, we do discuss it and DP has remarked many times that he treats us like his parents. But he's happy to go along with it.

But asking DP to spend time with him elsewhere is one place to start. The pub or his scabby wee flat!

snowleopard Mon 27-Oct-08 21:23:23

soultaken, yes he knows. We both asked him repeatedly not to do it, but he ignored us because he just couldn't see why it mattered to me - he likes company, so why shouldn't I? There was nothing sinister about it - he was just skiving off work/taking flexitime and coming home early, coming home to get sports stuff, getting changed, deciding he wanted to watch telly, blah blah. Perhaps avoiding work because his ex-fling was there, but he could have gone to a cafe/the park etc and not bothered me.

Going over this and reading your responses is making me feel justified in being so annoyed and I think that's what I need. I've been trying so hard to suppress it and "be reasonable". Gah!

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