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to seriously want to divorce dh over this. long sorry.

(50 Posts)
EndOTether Mon 27-Oct-08 16:45:43

DH and I are both freelancers, things are not good for us at all work wise at the minute.
Infact it's looking very likely we will go under.
Dh is very reluctant to search for work and has been for the last 2 years at least. I knew this and so have worked my arse off trying to pull in enough work so it's not a problem. Now it is.
The big problem is I'm a fighter and he isn't. There is no way I'll go under without trying absolutely everything. He has taken the "it's inevitable" stance and imo is doing very little to try and turn things around. He reckons he's doing enough.
We had a huge row last night.(well I shouted,..he doesn't speak!)
I asked him if he'd phoned various people looking for work...nope. I asked if he knew what his agent was doing....nope.
There is no way he's doing enough.
I have pussy footed around trying to encourage him for years and now I'm at the end of my tether. Everything I suggest he interprets as criticism and becomes more and more monosyllabic.
ATM I have lost all respect for him and if we lose this house with him not doing absolutely everything to try and keep us afloat, I could never forgive him.
He's not depressed, he is shy, his work is very good, there is no reason he couldn't get new clients.
So..AIBU?

VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits Mon 27-Oct-08 16:50:29

What kind of freelance work do you do? how would he cope if you were not around to pull work in for you both? i would suggest he is in the wrong job if he is too shy too pull in his own clients, maybe he should look at getting a more permenant job with an employer?

morningpaper Mon 27-Oct-08 16:52:05

I think you have to tell exactly what you've said in your OP

tell him to get a job driving cabs if necessary

2point4kids Mon 27-Oct-08 16:53:15

I agree, if there is not enough work for both of you and you are pulling in enough work for you but he cant get any work then give him an unltimatum - either he gets in some new clients to give him enough work or he finds a job elsewhere doing something that he doesnt need to be as outspoken for!

EndOTether Mon 27-Oct-08 16:53:49

I can't say VT..and I think he's in the wrong job too. He's been very successful so hasn't had to find clients in the past. they've all come to him. Unfortunately it's not a career that has full time jobs either and it's seriously competitive. I just don't think I can fight much more...

beaniescreamyb Mon 27-Oct-08 16:55:58

could he sign on?

EndOTether Mon 27-Oct-08 16:56:09

I don't get work for both of us btw just me... but we are in the same line of business so I know exactly what he should be doing. I meant I've tried to get more work for me to ease the pressure for him.

morningpaper Mon 27-Oct-08 16:56:43

What does he do all day?

foothesnoo Mon 27-Oct-08 16:58:11

Well divorce and running two housholds won't be a cheap option either.

Does he realise how dire things are financially or does he leave all that to you too? I think you need to spell it out to him - ie you need to make £xx this month - show me how you're going to do it?

EndOTether Mon 27-Oct-08 16:58:42

Oh he does plenty... all the business paperwork and tax and VAT and does loads around the house, is a fantastic dad, just won't get out there...

VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits Mon 27-Oct-08 16:59:23

Maybe he is lacking in confidence regarding his work, and thats why he doesnt go after clients and waits for them to come to him, i really think he needs to rethink his career

EndOTether Mon 27-Oct-08 17:00:12

he knows how dire things are,...he's filling in all the debt management paperwork etc in anticipation. He's just not trying hard enough to get more clients

VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits Mon 27-Oct-08 17:00:34

But i dont thinks its grounds for divorce

EndOTether Mon 27-Oct-08 17:01:37

I think you're right VT, he's not confident but surely this is the time to swallow that and try and turn things around?

Kewcumber Mon 27-Oct-08 17:01:43

problem is if you freelance you can be great at your job but crap at selling yourself which is very hard to do if you can;t do it (IYSWIM).

However if he can;t make money doing what he's doing he needs to deliver papers/get a day job/night job anything really.

Are you in the same business - could you be the new business winner and he be the do-er?

(And yes it would drive me demented too)

VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits Mon 27-Oct-08 17:02:40

Does he enjoy his job? he sounds like he lacks the motivation too, maybe he just doesnt enjoy doing what he does

snowleopard Mon 27-Oct-08 17:03:41

I'm freelance and I hate talking on the phone. If that's the only reason he won't do it, he can do what I do and email people, or send out stuff in the post - I do mailshots every so often, containing my CV, samples of work, business cards etc and they go out to everyone I work for (as an update) and to a selection of potential new clients. Set him to work doing that - perhaps for both of you, as you're already busy making an effort.

Otherwise, if he won't do it at all, I'd suggest to him that touting for work is an essentil part of being a freelancer therefore he's not cut out for it - you can stay freelance, and he can get a paid job - doesn't have to be permanent, just until times are better.

VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits Mon 27-Oct-08 17:05:57

Its difficult to do though when you just dont have the confidence to do it, i can understand as i lack confidence is my job too, and its mainly because i am shy in rl, maybe try giving him a boast, tell him how good his work is

EndOTether Mon 27-Oct-08 17:06:10

I haven't got any work either really..sad it's definitely the current economic situation.
but I'm still prepared to do just about anything to get a sniff of a job.
When I asked him why he wasn't doing XYandZ his response was, well you are and it's not working... difference being is that he has a very long and successful career behind him and I've been in the market since the dc's went to school.

EndOTether Mon 27-Oct-08 17:08:40

he's not motivated anymore. I asked him last night what he wanted to do but he has no idea. Mind you I've been asking this for the last 2 years and now I've really had enough...
I will never forgive him if we lose the house. I can't even look at him I'm so angry.

christiana Mon 27-Oct-08 17:17:09

Message withdrawn

EndOTether Mon 27-Oct-08 17:21:34

But it's the fact that he obviously doesn't think that the family home and I am worth fighting for.

EndOTether Mon 27-Oct-08 17:22:41

no, don't have much respect for him at the moment. It's like having a monosyllabic elder child.

elliott Mon 27-Oct-08 17:23:06

You're in a very tricky situation, and I feel for you. My dh sounds similar to yours - a great guy, but cannot sell himself to save his life, and completely undervalues his own abilities. Fortunately he is not freelance, and I can well imagine being in the same boat as you if he were - it would be a disaster. I have to say, whenever I have tried to encourage him to be more 'go-getting', it is really counterproductive. He just gets more and more withdrawn - the more suggestions I make, the more I can visibly see him shrinking. Perhaps your dh is the same?
I can understand your anger, but you need to try not to let rip at him, I think, or it may have the opposite effect to what you hope. I'm not really sure how to motivate (I haven't found the solution!). Somehow you need to convey how serious the situation is, but in a positive and supportive manner. Could you get him to agree to you doing some client finding work on his behalf? (I know, I know, why should you...but needs must I guess).

elliott Mon 27-Oct-08 17:26:08

I doubt that he thinks you're not worth fighting for. He probably doesn't frame it in that way at all (my dh wouldn't). Instead, he probably feels really crap that he's failing you and that is paralysing him. Some people don't feel they are in control of life, and therefore don't respond to threats by 'fighting' their way out of them.

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