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to think that after you've been in a shitty relationship you should learn from that mistake and not lurch straight into another shitty realtionship and another and another and another..........................

(44 Posts)
conniedescending Mon 27-Oct-08 10:08:02

I see this in some of my friends and all over posts on the internet. Some women (and men as well most probably) don't seem to learn from one disastrous relationship to another.

Spent most of yesterday with my devastated friend who's partner has left her again and gone god knows where because of what seems to be an argument about my friends work - she needs to go overnight for a conference and he is a jealous control freak. Sounds dreadful yes, but her ex husband was exactly the same and yet 6 months later she starts seeing current guy who got arsey when she came to my house after work and stayed a bit longer than she had said. Her bf's though school were the same.

This leads me to think that actually some women become addicted to being the victim. I said to my friend last night that the warning signs were there after the 3rd or 4th date about current DP so why didn't she knock it on the head????? very frustrating.

I had a terrible relationship in my early 20's....he was a drinker and aggressive. When I finally saw the light and got out of it I took great pains to avoid anothe man like this ex. In fact, a man who had a a few too many pints was a complete no no and any sign of testoterone overdrive and I was repulsed.

Why why why do women do this to themselves???????????

expatinscotland Mon 27-Oct-08 10:10:13


Some women I see go from relationship to relationship.

They literally can't go without and each time, of course, it's all different and he's terrific and blah blah blah.

I find such women incredibly tiresome.

PuzzleRocks Mon 27-Oct-08 10:11:55

Connie, do you know my sister?

Carmenere Mon 27-Oct-08 10:12:42

It is learned behaviour. they read the signals as familiarity and security as that is what they are used to. they often try to replicate the dynamic that they learned at home as a child. Which is why it is so important to break the cycle and show our dd's that we deserve love and respect and our ds's that they must love and respect their partners.

Mum2OliverJames Mon 27-Oct-08 10:12:58

bacause not everyone has the strength and courage to avoid men like this, even if it means just being on their own.
some men prey on vunerable woman, its not always their fault, a guy can seem lovely at first and then when he has won the womans love and trust then he slowly introduces his nasty side

i have just come out of a nasty and very violent relationship and i just hope and prey that i will not fall into another one and if i do, that i will have the guts to leave.

i do think you ABU a bit because woman dont go out and choose to fall into a violent relationship, you could have a bit more sympathy, esp as you have experienced a bad relatioship yourself

zippitippitoes Mon 27-Oct-08 10:13:23

i guess this does happen t sme people but maybe men dont always seem s awful to start with

FAQ Mon 27-Oct-08 10:14:36

I think some aspects of a prospective/new partners personality are easier to see and avoid than others.

The example you give - of a being a drinker - well you could probably spot that on a first date before you've even started the relationship.

Controlling types often don't become apparent until much later, and some men (and I suppose women too) are excellent at playing mind games and passive aggressive types particularly good at it. So often the women may either not realise at all, or it takes such a long time for her to realise that she's already very heavily involved and much harder to get out.

cyteen Mon 27-Oct-08 10:14:41

Some people thrive on shitty relationships; some people collude in shitty relationships (i.e. they might not actually be so shit without the notional 'victim's input). Also, some people just have crap taste and poor judgement when choosing a partner.

IME you can't change people's tastes in this regard.

cyteen Mon 27-Oct-08 10:16:20

Just to be clear, when I wrote 'victim' in sarcastic commas I was not of course referring to any person who finds themselves on the receiving end of abuse. There's no excuse for that type of shit. What I meant was people who constantly moan about their partner's faults in the relationship without ever addressing their own.

expatinscotland Mon 27-Oct-08 10:16:50

it wears thin.

because about the ONLY way to break such a cycle - and it's not always violence, sometimes it's just shitty behaviour - is to spend some time on your own, not dating.

but women like this never do that.

after a while, you do run out of sympathy.

PuzzleRocks Mon 27-Oct-08 10:17:47

I think Connie was suggesting that if you have come out of a relationship bruised then it is a good idea to take some time to yourself to regain your strentgh and reflect rather than jump straight into another relationship at a time when you are vulnerable.
My sister went through a series of terrible relationships. It is too easy to write men off as bastards and take the victim stance. You need to take responsibility for yourself or nothing will ever change.

zippitippitoes Mon 27-Oct-08 10:17:55

i think sme men can be very charming and rmantic and loving it is only nce yu are in they these characterisitics becme nasty and cntrolling etc

solidgoldskullonastick Mon 27-Oct-08 10:18:05

Actually, I think that if someone repeatedly suffers the same kind of problems in different relationships (ie one control freak after another, one addict after another, one monogamy-refuser after another) then that person is somehow contributing to this - either he/she is a complete dumbfuck incapable of learning from the past, or he/she gets some sort of satisfaction out of being a victim all the time.

Though it is true that there are predators who can pretty much smell vulnerability (the person fresh out of a violent situation for instance) and some predators are quite subtle and cunning. A mate of mine has had a lot of disastrous relatinships, one with a very cunning predator (this was particularly grim as none of the rest of us spotted him in time either) - but she tends to pick a different kind of arsehole every time. She has mental health issues so I think arseholes are unfortunately drawn to her: she does seem to be getting a bit better lately.

SolosWhompingWillow Mon 27-Oct-08 10:18:07

Some women just go for the same type of man ime. I don't think anyone particularly wants to be a victim.
I think you aren't necessarily being reasonable tbh.

zippitippitoes Mon 27-Oct-08 10:18:35

i think my o is ticking some of the time

Mum2OliverJames Mon 27-Oct-08 10:23:35

i think that i have learnt from my experiences and now have a list as long as both of my arms which any prospective boyfriends etc would have to fill, its not just me i need to think about now but my DS too

i think i am going to die single grin

but i know that it is really hard, i miss the daily contact of someone just being there, my XP moved me to a town where he works and i dont know a soul just before i kicked him out so it would be so easy to just let myself meet someone else and just jump back into another relationship

i miss cuddles sad

but im not going to put my DS at risk so will put my needs for cuddles aside so my son wont get hurt.

zippitippitoes Mon 27-Oct-08 10:25:19

i cam understand the mving frm ne relatinship to anther thing...I seem t have been in relationships all my life

conniedescending Mon 27-Oct-08 10:26:29

some interestng points

I do think my friend initially likes men who seem to be 'protective' and perhpas a little clingy because it makes her feel special and wanted. Not sure the men are all entirely to blame because if they ahve atendency to be like that and she tolerates and enjoys it almost it could bring it out more in a prospective partner iykwim

not sure the man is always to blame either

my ex wasn't awful to start with but he definitely had all the signs....we'd only known each other 3 weeks or so when he was being abit 'off' and I snapped back and he totally overreacted and stormed out of the restaurant and wouldnt answer my calls - that was big big warning sign but at the time his reaction seemed so out of kilter and when we spoke about it he was so adament that it was my 'tone' that made him angry that I put it down to that. As time went on I saw more of what he was like.

but.......if I had seen that in my next relationship (which was my wonderful DH), I wouldnt have let things go beyond the first sign of a temper.

expatinscotland Mon 27-Oct-08 10:26:57

'Which is why it is so important to break the cycle and show our dd's that we deserve love and respect and our ds's that they must love and respect their partners.'

AND, that being on your own is fine, even good for you in many ways. Doesn't mean it's forever, but it's certainly not the end of the world and possibly the world of good.

Mum2OliverJames Mon 27-Oct-08 10:32:49

well at least until it comes to bedtime when we used to have a cuddle sad

but now my ds is so much happier
there is no longer an atmosphere
if i do something i think would upset XP im not walking around feeling sick waiting for the consequences
i dont have to lie to my parents
i dont hardly ever have bruises
i can cook what i want and dont have to worry about it being wrong

i could go on but i wont

i think that when your friend is in this relationship she needs your support more than anything, none of my friends knew, not that i had many left, but nobody knew because my XP was so 'nice'

FAQ Mon 27-Oct-08 10:34:19

Thing is that some men, especially the passive aggressive control freaks, play subtle mind games from early on, but don't show their controlling nature until much later in the relationship - it was years before exH started to show his true colours.

Other men are totally crap at it and show the warning signs when the relationship is still new and fresh and it's easier to get out.

SolosWhompingWillow Mon 27-Oct-08 10:36:55

I spent years on my own because of abusive relationships. I was told by a(male)friend that I was thought of as a miserable cow and I seemed to walk around with a neon sign on my head saying 'piss off' to all men because I was so hurt, but also very vulnerable.
Yesterday was Dp and my 4th anniversary of our first date. He admitted yesterday that he doesn't treat me very well as in, he is often thoughtless towards me. I know he wont change for me, but I love him and would sooner take what he gives me than not have him in my life. He is one of the least abusive men I've ever had in my life. He's never hurt me physically, but he often doesn't turn up, doesn't phone and yes he is quite thoughtless.
If he dumped me tomorrow I'm quite sure I'd be devastated and I'm quite sure too that a few of my friends would have the old 'I told you so' on the tips of their tongues, but they would still support me as I have supported them over the years/relationships etc. We are all different and we all need support in some way or other through our lives ~ even the hard nosed amoungst us.

conniedescending Mon 27-Oct-08 10:42:23

yes - definitely agree time alone is the best solution. When I left ex I had over a year before I met DH and even then I wasn't looking at all - just changed jobs and he worked there....we became friends initially. I'm always amazed at hoe quickly people get involved again - especially after a long marriage or relationship........perhaps that pattern of behaviour is still fresh in the mind?

FAQ - not sure of the details of you relationship but I do think that the way we behave influences others around us and patterns of behaviour develop.

SolosWhompingWillow Mon 27-Oct-08 10:42:53

* Relationships with partners that have been abusive, not abuse in family iyswim.

IllegallyBrunette Mon 27-Oct-08 10:46:38

I can see how it would happen, especially when you get to the point of feeling so lonely that you spend all day looking forward to bedtime because when you are asleep you can't feel lonely.

I would probably have been a prime candidate for rushing head on into another relationship tbh, but luckily perhaps for me, no one wanted me so it never happened.

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