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to not want dd in a 'routine'?

(79 Posts)
gokwancarr Sun 26-Oct-08 17:35:52

I have a friend who has for last 6mnths since dd birth been advising me to put her into a routine. at first it was just gentle suggestions, and lending me books (not gf btw!) but when i gave the book back yesterday she looked at me very sternly and said in schoolmarm tone "you really are going to have to decide what routine you want to put her in" i was too shocked at her tone of voice to speak, but another of our friends with us changed the subject anyway.
It's not that i object to routines, i know several people that they work well for, but DD feeds 6 times a day, sleeps intermitently during the day and always always has bath feed and in bed by 7pm, usually sleeping thruogh or having one feed a night. said friend is trying to get me to cut down to four feeds at fixed times of day and said i shouldn't bf dd for the hour i feed her for at night....but it's not me that decides how long it should be!!!! DD feeds till she's full, simple as that. i'm getting really hacked off, even tearful cos she makes me feel i'm doing a crap job. surely i'm doing ok, just differently to how she would do it?

DecayingDisaster Sun 26-Oct-08 17:37:45

tell her to fuck off.

cory Sun 26-Oct-08 17:39:51

Just ignore. Routines will develop naturally as your dd grows and you both get involved in outside things such as playgroups. No hurry if you're both happy.

Besides, it sounds like you are in a routine, just a different one from hers. So just smile sweetly and say 'oh thank you so much but I really don't want to change little x's routine'.

FiveGoMadInDorset Sun 26-Oct-08 17:41:02

Sounds like you are in a routine, onw that suits you.

CharCharBaGOOOOOOORE Sun 26-Oct-08 17:41:36

yanbu, just ignore her. dd made up her own routine at about 10 months but before that I fed and got her to sleep on demand.

oiwhatsoccurring Sun 26-Oct-08 17:42:23

I didn't do any routine either, my dd got herself in a routine. She is your baby so you decide. Like DD said tell her to f*uck off.

SharpMolarBear Sun 26-Oct-08 17:43:41

Tell her what you're doing is working fine and routines aren't the be all and end all

treacletart Sun 26-Oct-08 17:48:02

I spent ages trying to get ds into a routine when he was a baby - wrote everything down obsessively, read all the books and was a slave to geting him into a routine that frankly prevented me from just getting on with life. DD has been routineless from the start and I've enjoyed it so much more. She had to fit in around the school run routine anyway but just does what we're doing when we do it. A ring sling, breastfeeding on demand, cosleeping and baby led weaning have all made life so much easier. Hurrray for hippy parenting!

mumeeee Sun 26-Oct-08 17:52:40

You are doing fine and your D is in a routine that suits you. Just tell her you are happy with what you are doing and then ignore her.

MsHighwater Sun 26-Oct-08 18:24:36

Routine is not about your lo doing exactly the same things for exactly the same length of time at exactly the same times every day. I fed on demand and ended up feeding at all sorts of times but I was able to go out for lunch and could even go out in the afternoon.

I eventually worked out that "routine" meant that when she wanted fed, I fed her but I could still go out when I wanted or needed to; when I wanted her to go to sleep, she did because I went about getting her to sleep in the same way every day at roughly the same time and usually in the same place. If she missed a sleep, we made sure she had an opportunity to catch up before too long e.g. in the car coming back from wherever we'd been. Her needs were met and so were ours. Sounds like you've got something similar going on so good for you.

Sounds to me like your friend is one of these mums who thinks that her way is the only "right" way and maybe feels threatened by anyone having an easier time but still making it work.

domesticslattern Sun 26-Oct-08 18:26:50

Ignore her. Or lie a bit. I tell my mother that my DD sleeps through. I don't tell her about the occasional night feeds; my mother is not there and it is none of her business. She is a great proponent of routine, but she knows nothing about my baby.

The alternative, since you say she is making you tearful, is to confront her head on:

"You probably don't realise but you are really upsetting me with what you say. If you keep doing it now you you know how upsetting I find it, then I will have to assume that you are doing it on purpose to hurt me."

I like your name btw.

2manychips Sun 26-Oct-08 18:56:42

When I realised that trying to force a routine on my dd was causing us both a lot of stress I gave up and started loving motherhood.

cheshirekitty Sun 26-Oct-08 18:58:55

Has she got any children? She wants to get a life and stop interfering in yours.

BouncingTurtleSkulls Sun 26-Oct-08 19:04:11

Gokwancarr - your dd sounds like my ds, I've never concertedly tried to get him into a routine. He sort of has one, but vague like yours and it is very baby-led.
Tell your friend thanks for the advice, but you and your dd have a system that works for you and change the subject. That's what I do.

twofalls Sun 26-Oct-08 19:04:45

She is in a routine, its just her routine that will develop naturally overtime and not one you have imposed on her. Just tell her you have decided on a babyled routine that the experts at MN recommend grin.

Seriously, you don't sound like you are doing a crap job at all, quite the opposite in fact. try not to let it make you feel a failure.

harpsichordcarrier Sun 26-Oct-08 19:08:28

ha ha decaying disaster took the words out of my mouth.
routines are fine for those parents and children who like them.
responding to your baby and meeting her needs is the important thing. babies are individuals, mums are individuals, those who cling to someone else's routines blindly are a little insecur ein their parenting imho
you sound like you are doing a great job

shopaholicDIVA Sun 26-Oct-08 19:14:52

ignore her,
children finds their own routine. enjoy life and your baby instead of choosing and trying different routines, life is too short.
tell her get a life.

wheresthehamster Sun 26-Oct-08 19:17:52

Agree - ignore her.

I had a routine 16 years ago for about a week. We all survived

MatNanPlus Sun 26-Oct-08 19:18:25

You are doing a routine in as much as your DD feeds and sleeps and you know when those will be.

She sounds very patronising and insecure.

Libra1975 Sun 26-Oct-08 19:20:46

It sounds like your LO is in a routine already, one what suits you and her but just doesn't have a book deal attached to it! You are not doing a crap job just ignore your friend and just say wouldn't the world be a boring place if we all did things the same way next time she starts on about it.

Niecie Sun 26-Oct-08 19:22:30

Your baby has a routine. Just because it wasn't in one of your 'friend's' books doesn't mean that it isn't perfectly valid. If she also sleeps through the night then fantastic.

I think she is looking for trouble where there is none and hoping that you will follow her lead so that she feels better about her own choices.

My two weren't consciously treated any different but DS1 didn't get a real routine until he was over a year but DS2 was pretty regular in his behaviour from the beginning. All babies are different and one book will not suit all.

Tell you friend she is being unreasonable and you have a routine you are very happy with, thank you very much.

nickytwoooohtimes Sun 26-Oct-08 19:24:56

As others have said, your baby has her own routine anyway.
I am a big fan of routines personally, but I would never ever tell a friend how to do it! Anyway, with ds we worked out a routine of our own, not one prescribed by a self-appointed expert.

Ronaldinhio Sun 26-Oct-08 19:32:48


tell her to cock off

great name btw

OLIVIASMAMA Sun 26-Oct-08 20:18:15

You are in a routine - jealous of your easy going attitude I'd say...... yep, cock off!

Flibbertyjibbet Sun 26-Oct-08 20:26:41

Tell her that the best mummies have a routine thats called 'we have no routine' smile
Its worked for me and my two and we have a lovely time.
We do differnt things each day. They eat when they are hungry and sleep when they are sleepy.

Some babies suit routine and some don't. DS1 seemed to be in a 'routine' all by himself - which if I'd been following a book would have put it all down to that.
I did exactly the same things with ds2 but omg he would never have been able to be a routine baby!

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