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To have not invited MIL her partner and dp's 2 brothers to xmas lunch this year?

(30 Posts)
stroppycock Sun 26-Oct-08 09:07:49

For the past two years I have cooked xmas lunch for us all, first year 8 months pregnant and last year DS's first Christmas but have enjoyed both! However, this year I wanted my mum to come to dinner as she has had a tough two years with illness and had a bone marrow transplant last month so couldnt see ds for over 6 weeks! I wanted her to be here with ds for Christmas as I know she would love this and she is delighted to have been asked. Because of this though, I don't have enough room to have DP's half as well (as my mum comes as a package with her husband, my nana, aunt, uncle and cousin as they all were supposed to be having dinner together so I didn't want to say that my mum and her husband were invited but not the others). Also, if I'm honest, I didn't really want mil here when my mum was here as when she is here with ds my mum doesnt get a look in. Mil picks him up all the time and everytime my mum is sat or playing with him MIL will try and get his attention with treats! ds is closer to MIL as he ses her three times a week and as my mum has been ill for all of his life he has not been able to see her as much as I would have liked.

DP's bro said he would love to cook dinner for MIL and the others so all that was sorted, they were all then going to come over here in the evening. But now mil has taken a strop and has said she is not seeing anyone this xmas day (she hasnt said that its because she is not coming here, she said its because otherwise everyone will be rushing around and it will mean no-one enjoys their day which is nonsense but I think she is playing the martyr). At first I thought well, its your loss but now dp's dad has implied that we should have just invited my mum and her husband but not the others so MIL and her partner could come and has made me feel like I am being unreasonable.

Soooo, aibu to make this xmas day special for my mum but at the expense of others?

stroppycock Sun 26-Oct-08 09:09:41

Oops! I forgot to change my name back, I am regular btw! Off to change my settings and will pop back later to see if I am officially being a cow or not!

ShinyPinkPumpkin Sun 26-Oct-08 09:11:13

You are not being unreasonable at all- don't let her make you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with your whole family

Could you not see your in-laws on boxing day?

bigTillyMint Sun 26-Oct-08 09:12:21

You sound perfectly reasonable to me.
What does your DP think?
IME, MIL's take offence far too easily!

Heated Sun 26-Oct-08 09:12:27

YANBU. Your mother needs some tlc after her operation (actually you do too with 9 for lunch!)

Your dh has caved in the face of the martyr act. You can't withdraw the invitation now. Tell him next year MIL can come and he can cook!

LoveMyGirls Sun 26-Oct-08 09:13:04


Twelvelegs Sun 26-Oct-08 09:14:32

If your MIL wants to act like a spoilt brat let her, you sound as if you are justifying having your own family for Christmas....IMHO you can because you want to and not for complicated reasons. The fact that there are so many contributing factors to your decision only makes your MIL seem even worse.

Upwind Sun 26-Oct-08 09:18:33

Of course, YANBU!

Don't give in to your MIL's emotional blackmail.

nooOOOoonki Sun 26-Oct-08 09:19:03

YANBU - how about doing another xmas day for MIL - that's what we do, and arrange NOW for alternate years, as otherwise this happens every year (believe me!)

good luck

mooog Sun 26-Oct-08 09:19:29

aNo i dont think it should have to be forced into this.
Stand your ground and give your mum a bloody good day with the family,
MIL will get over it and if she doesnt then that is her loss.
DP's dad had no right to say that to dp, they have after all been invited to their other ds's, in fact i would be a little offended if i were your dp's brother!!!

wb Sun 26-Oct-08 09:20:00


i think you should take your MiL at face value - if she says she doesn't want to go anywhere cause of all the rushing round, then agree that yes it can be tiring.

If this is really the reason she will appreciate not having her motives misjudged. If, on the other hand, she is sulking, then treating her like a grown up may encourage her to act like one (or not, but that is not your prob.).

Enjoy a guilt-free Xmas smile

worley Sun 26-Oct-08 09:27:11

so your mil has had 2 christmases in a row with you all and isn't happy when its your mums turn!! fgs. stick to your guns and keep just your mum there. if your mil had a heart she would understand this and so should your dp in all ,

a few years ago dp and i went out for xmas dinner with dp's mum, my dad was really angry saying we were selfish for taking ds1 out for dinner with her and not going round thiers for dinner, but im soo glad we did as mil passed away last year (at 54 yrs old) so it is at least a good christmas memory. my parents saw ds1 for his first xmas and this meal was on ds1's second xmas. my dad had got over it now once he realised im not his little girl anymorw and im going to do what i think is best and not what he wants.

maybe your mil needs to realise shes not the only gp and needs to let you mum have a lookin to.

jojosmaman Sun 26-Oct-08 10:02:50

Great, to be honest I hadn't thought I was being unreasonable, it wasn't until FIL had questioned why I wasn't inviting MIL as well that I thought about it more (I asked DP and he said he didn't know but it didn't matter anyway- he is quite used to his mums little strops) and thought maybe I should have invited them as well. FIL actually thinks MIL is being funny for no reason but he has spent years before and after their marriage broke up to keep the peace and so I suppose was looking for a way to keep her happy. He also mentioned that he could take offense as he has never had xmas dinner with the boys since he left home which i took as an inadvertant dig at dp and his brothers! Talk about dysfunctional families and I have not even brought my dad into this!

MIL is very difficult, a lot of my friends who have kids are amazed that I let her do and say what she does and she comes across as really rude to people who meet her for thie first time but she is kind at heart, loves ds to pieces and has some emotional issues that she has never addressed (she was an orphan from birth, difficult poor childhood in Ireland before coming to England alone at 18, FIL left her for another woman 15 years ago and she still loves him) so I do my best to keep the peace for dp's sake.

Moog- yes, that was my thought as well that it is quite offensive to dp's brother to say she is not doing anything if not coming here! He has now said that he and his brother will go to FIL's instead which is going to upset MIL even more as that means her son's will be spending xmas with FIL and "the other woman".

ps I am op by the way, just changed my name back!

beaniescreamyb Sun 26-Oct-08 10:08:49

Call her bluff. Say 'that's nice' and then do what you planned to do!

cheshirekitty Sun 26-Oct-08 10:25:47

YANBU. We got into the pattern of having mil and fil for a few weeks every xmas.

This year, we have moved into a small flat, and cannot have mil for xmas (doing boxing day with my sister which will be a first, as always spent xmas with dh family).

We have had sulks, tears and also been accused of giving mil diarrhoea!!!

Give your dm the xmas she deserves. And forget the mil issue.

mooog Sun 26-Oct-08 10:29:26

Well as the old saying goes....she made her own bed so let her lie in it......... i think

saltire Sun 26-Oct-08 10:30:25

YANBU. We have luckily never had this problem, we have always done year about with my mum and step dad and MIL and step FIL. FIl and step MIL have been asked but have never came. Although we have had huge problems regarding New Year (being a Scot we celebrate it) with FIL and step MIL
I would just say to your MIL "yes if you find it tiring then perhaps a nice quiet day at home is what you need". Leave it at that.
mind you, last year it was my mum and step dads turn adn she said no they weren't coming becasue the invite hadn't included village idiot DB2, who is a complete and utter arse, and my other brother had said he could go to theirs, but no she wouldn't leave him. Her loss not mine

colander Sun 26-Oct-08 10:37:52


I don't see why they can't take it in turns. We have my parents one year, and then the next year have the in laws. That way it's fair for everyone! Also, we see the ones we didn't see on Boxing Day - could you have your in laws on Boxing Day?

TheHedgeWitch Sun 26-Oct-08 10:41:43

Message withdrawn

QuintessentialShadows Sun 26-Oct-08 10:46:00

Ignore it.

Dont engage your MIL in a debate at all. Done even mention it. She will most likely come around to the idea when she feels less emotional about it. And if she doesnt? It shouldnt change a thing.

Have Christmas with your mum and your own family this year. Maybe from now on you could alternate?

sunnygirl1412 Sun 26-Oct-08 10:53:15

You are being utterly reasonable - she's the one being unreasonable. As others have said, invite her for Boxing Day, or perhaps New Year.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your mum. A suggestion (something I did for my mum one year) - why don't you do her a stocking and put it with your ds's stocking as a surprise.

LoolaBoys Sun 26-Oct-08 11:23:14

YANBU at all. Your poor Mum obviously needs a good time after being ill. You are being totally fair. MIL needs to get over herself

BouncingTurtleSkulls Sun 26-Oct-08 11:32:25

YANBU!!! Your mum had had a bone marrow tranaplant! Of course you are being selfish, your mum has been through a lot and deserves lots of TLC time with her grandson.
I agree with Twelvelegs, your MIL is acting like a spoilt brat.

BouncingTurtleSkulls Sun 26-Oct-08 11:32:48

Sorry meant to say you are not being selfish blush

TwoFoggy Sun 26-Oct-08 13:02:10

Dont change your plans! Youve done nothing wrong, and if you pander to her now she will always do it. It is not her turn, tell your DH to tell her to get over it.


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