ok this is a weird one...

[ladystardust]

Dd (17) has lived with her dad for last six months.
He's in hospital. I flew back from trip to be with her. When he comes out he will not be able to run around for her the way he has been. (I know....)
This is all big shock to her, naturally. But she tells me that he (and the stepmother) have said that I will be taking on all responsibilities (running around for appointments etc). Neither of them has discussed this with me and I don't live that near them.
SO.... am I being unreasonable to think that maybe she could do some of this?
I came back to look after her, well to be here for her. But she lives with them.
How awful do I sound??

[scaryfucker]

erm, is 17 yr old incapable of getting herself around?

[clayrethechildslayre]

at 17 could she not go to appointments on her own?

[scaryfucker]

omg, cross posted korma

my "erm" was not to echo your "erm"

< backs away in trepidation >

[Inghouls2]

very.... I agree with Korma.

[ladystardust]

Yes, of course she is. But he's been spoiling her...
Which is why she went to live with him.....

[SqueakyPop]

How much running around would you have to do for her? At 17, she is a young woman, not a child.

You should give her as much emotional support and encouragement as needed.

If she has to miss out on extra curricular stuff because dad can't give her a lift (and no buses or friends to call on), then so be it. A 17-year old cannot be totally shielded from real life.

As a parent, I would try to make sure that her exams were not compromised, however.

[Inghouls2]

is there a hint of bitterness here Stardust?

[BitOfFun]

Hmm, I understand that it's irritating to have people assume things, but really, yes, YABU. Your daughter should be stepping up to the plate herself more, but you can't expect stepmother to do the running round if she is looking after your ex. They probably think that that's why you came back from your trip and don't see the issue.

[ladystardust]

Bitterness doesn't even begin to cover it

[clayrethechildslayre]

well this mite be the time she learns idependance and responsibility, my parents did not run about after me at 17 i was more than able to get on a bus and go places myself

[madlentileater]

what about step mother?

[ladystardust]

That's my point - she's said she won't do it.

[Inghouls2]

Ah! well, I think you better decide what is reasonable for you to help with and her to do alone then try and reach a compromise. This is your chance to encourage her independance but if you come down too hard in the beginning she'll run a mile.

[ladystardust]

Thanks Ing.
you're right.

[TheProvincialLady]

Depends what you mean by appointments I suppose. If you are talking about the usual social engagements of a 17 year old then YANBU to decide for yourself what you are prepared to do, if anything. She is old enough to organise those things hereself anyway or go without.

If we are talking about doctors appointments, education and other serious stuff and there is no way she can sort it out for herself then you would be very mean not to do it when her father can't and her SM needs to look after him.

If the truth is somewhere between the two then why don't you teach her how to catch a train/bus, walk, call a taxi etc - and then help her out when she can't manage the logistics.

[BitOfFun]

I would go with what Squeaks said: help out where necessary, but if she can't get to socialising stuff etc, then she'll have to suck it up. Or do chores at your place to earn taxi money - that'll lern her

[KatyMac]

What sort of running round are we talking about?

Getting her to school/college?

Getting her to medical appointments?

Taking her to meet her mates?

Taking her shopping?

TBH at 17 I could (& would) do the weekly shop but my mum dropped me & collected me (& did another job in between) & I swapped jobs around the house for lifts to the city (we lived a long way out)

[Inghouls2]

As for the stepmum, maybe she can't do it as opposed to won't.
I will try and whatever I can for DSS (he's 26 and still needy) but sometimes (most of the time) he's just not top of my pile.

[CarGirl]

I think there is a balanc and at 17 she should be doing most things for herself because she is an adult. Perhaps her stepmum is aware of the fact that her Dad has done too much?

Perhaps a chat with your dd along the lines of your old enough to have sex, leave home, drive a car, work full time why exactly do you need anyone to do x y z for you?

[nooOOOoonki]

i would help her, but get her to do the things herself. Ie making appointments etc, many adults are scared of using the telephone etc because they werent taught how to,

maybe help her do it at first, teach her to cook (but do it in a I'll do it today, you tomorrow way and try and make it enjoyable etc)

and talk to her dad so that when he is able he continues doing it.

Talk to step-mum with your daughter and come up with an acceptable compromise.

17 is a funny age, both young and old but most of that depends on how independent you are, and in general you have to be taught how to be successfully independent.

[ladystardust]

It's mostly ongoing health stuff. Physios etc.
Adapting to change - the lesson we all have to learn - over and over and over again...

[Inghouls2]

Do you have a civil relationship with the SM star?

[Inghouls2]

on going? serious health stuff?