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To be upset my PIL went on holiday near my due date

(32 Posts)
parannoyed Fri 24-Oct-08 09:01:36

Am i being totally unreasonable here... i can't seem to let go of the fact that i'm hurt that my parents in law went on holiday for two weeks not long before my due date. I moved to live where my partner is from so they know that my family and close friends aren't near (2 hrs drive away) Being my second baby i was terrified i would go into labour early and scared it'd be a quick birth... i was also worried who'd look after my dd who was still only little and never been away from me for more than a couple of hours... also my partner travels around with his job so never knew how far from home he'd be.. My PIL are retired and being 40 mins away are the nearest family i have. I can't believe they went away and left me feeling so stressed out at the end of my pregnancy, this was a time i needed to know i had them to call on to help... They're always saying now 'if there's anything we can do to help just say' but i don't feel like asking them because they weren't here when i needed them more than ever.. Before they went my MIL said i needed her they'd come back from Spain!! what the hell like that would have helped if i'd gone into labour.. It's also made me feel they weren't that bothered if they were here or not for the birth of my baby... They are nice people but i can't help feeling so upset i wish i could move past this..

compo Fri 24-Oct-08 09:05:21

sad you are obviuosly very upset but I think yabu
maybe they wanted a holiday so they could be on hand to help once the baby was born?

parannoyed Fri 24-Oct-08 09:07:57

They go on holiday all the time sad they really didn't 'need' a holiday.

mazzystartled Fri 24-Oct-08 09:09:28

You need to let this go.

And you need to build your own self-reliance and support network. Late pg hormones allow for a little unreasonableness, but really you are not being fair on people who seem like they want to help you.

When did this happen? Did what you had feared happen?

RubyShivers Fri 24-Oct-08 09:11:23

how long is "not long before" your due date

i think perhaps you had different expectations of their role than they did

i think YABU but i think it is understandable if you felt so anxious

wannaBe Fri 24-Oct-08 09:15:04

had you arranged that they would be coming to look after your other child when you went into labour? If not then yabu. You can't just presume that people will be waiting for your call - other people are entitled to their own lives.

potoftea Fri 24-Oct-08 09:15:28

But maybe your PIL had no idea you felt this way.
If they didn't realise that you were comforted by knowing they were nearby if you needed them, well then they cannot be blamed for going away.

They probably wanted the holiday out of the way before the baby is born, as they knew they'd have no involvement with the birth, but would like to be around in the first few weeks.

parannoyed Fri 24-Oct-08 09:18:08

I know i do.. my baby's 4 months, he did arrive early but they were back from holiday by then so they were around when i went into labour, although i had enough warning that my partner and my mum got here in time.

I don't know though with them if it's just a total lack of thought.. but it hurt, i really got myself into a panic in the weeks leading up to my due date sad It hurt when people would say to me (midwife included) 'is your daughter going to your PIL if you go into labour' i had to say no they're on holiday. My baby was measuring very big so i wasn't sure how far they were going to let me go, i had lots of growth scans at the end.

RubyShivers Fri 24-Oct-08 09:20:17

i think, and i mean this gently, you are blowing this out of all proportion

did you actually say to your In Laws that you would like them around to look after your DD?

in the end, they were around as was your Partner and your mum so you need to let this go

FimboGotAxed Fri 24-Oct-08 09:20:20

I think yab abit u.

You are 2hrs away from your own family - they are still within travelling distance of being able to help you. Your mil did say if you needed anything she would come back from Spain, if she didn't care she wouldn't have said that.

I live over 8hrs away from both sets of parents and family, dh and I managed a 2nd birth without any help from anyone and I had to be readmitted to hospital for an operation straight after ds's birth. My friend did come and pick me up from hospital, but that is all.

FimboGotAxed Fri 24-Oct-08 09:22:00

Presumably the baby is already born?

You need to get over this and quickly before you alienate your pil

parannoyed Fri 24-Oct-08 09:24:12

"had you arranged that they would be coming to look after your other child when you went into labour?"

Yes, my MIL though said my dd was late and she didn't come quickly so i think she thought it'd be fine. I on the other hand know that babies arrive in different ways.

They got back 2 weeks before my due date.

mazzystartled Fri 24-Oct-08 09:24:50

ok, he arrived early, but not before their return, and you didn't need their help anyway?

sorry, its really daft to be hurt, either by them going or by what other people say. they didn't do it thoughtlessly or spitefully.

I'm sorry you got into a panic and didn't enjoy the last weeks of your pregnancy, I do understand, but it wasn't your p-i-l-s fault. please don''t let it damage what sounds like an otherwise lovely relationship with them

VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits Fri 24-Oct-08 09:26:20

Its 4 months on, they were back in time for the birth, your baby arrived safely and everything turned out fine, i think its time to let it go and stop letting it upset you, you cant change what has happened, sorry if i am barking up the wrong tree here, but have you thought that maybe you might have pnd or pna and thats whats making you so upset about this? sorry if i am wrong.

FimboGotAxed Fri 24-Oct-08 09:27:19

Actually the more I read the more I think you abvvvvu. They were back 2 weeks before your due date. As i said previously your own family is within travelling distance you could have put some kind of back up plan into action, if you did indeed go into labour early.

PavlovtheWitchesCat Fri 24-Oct-08 09:27:25

I think you need as said before to get past this.

Did you actually need them? They are retired and are entitled to enjoy their retirement, they need as many holidays as they feel like!!! They have done their bit!

Any support you may have from them. Consider it a bonus, and do not cut your nose of to spite your face so to speak. You are very lucky you have family near at all.

My MIL lives in USA, and when I was pg my mother was having chemo for terminal cancer so could not make the 400mile journey to be here with me at the birth as was planned.

Please recognise that being upset as they were not there when you might not have actually needed them other than a perceived need is a bit irrational, and you must get past this or risk dmaging your, their son's and their grandchildren's relationship with them in the future for no reason. If you refuse their help, they will eventually stop offering.

parannoyed Fri 24-Oct-08 09:27:58

You're all completely right and i'm a silly over sensitive mare, thanks for your replies it's helped to get it off my chest.

mrsgboring Fri 24-Oct-08 09:31:04

I sympathise. If you hadn't asked them to be on call, then I suppose you didn't have any real call on their time, but if they are as regular holiday goers as my parents I can see how you'd think it a bit "off." My parents went on holiday both times I was due to have babies, and it did make me sad and angry, but that is partly because they hardly ever see me and were no support when DD was stillborn.

Twas a stressful time, for sure, but if your baby is now four months old, and they did after all manage to make an appearance, then you have to put it behind you.

FourArms Fri 24-Oct-08 09:44:22

I can understand why you were upset, but if you need their support now, then you need to put this behind you. I know that this can be easier said than done (have issues like this of my own )

I think if you take the offer to come back from Spain at face value, then they were being very kind - they would have probably spent a fortune to come back at short notice if you had needed them... which thankfully you didn't.

Yes, second babies can come quickly, but my mum managed to get back from Cyprus between my waters breaking and DS2 being born!

pretendingimnotme Fri 24-Oct-08 10:00:40

i know how you feel, my parents also did this when i was due sad
i know what you mean about midwifes drs asking how are your mum and dad, you say there ok they are on holiday, they go oh shock
then ask where, you say abroad they go double shock
makes you feel pretty shit.

mrsboring so sorry to hear of your loss sad

mumblechum Fri 24-Oct-08 10:05:31

Sorry but YABU.

You can't rely on anyone to run their lives around yours, I'm afraid.

I went into prem labour with ds2 while dh out of country & had to phone a member of ds1's nursery staff who'd babysat before to come & look after ds1 while I went into hosp, & paid her to look after him for 24 hours till dh could get home.

kiddiz Fri 24-Oct-08 10:25:17

My dd was 4 weeks early and my parents, who are my nearest relatives (they live about 45mins away) were in Australia. They had planned the trip before I became pregnant but were due back before my due date. I was in the house alone with my 6 and 8 year old sons when my waters broke and contractions started. My ds2 had been a quick labour..he arrived 40 mins after I got to hospital after a 2.5 hour labour. My dh was out and had no mobile with him either so I was not able to contact him.
You know what I coped. A neighbour looked after the boys, the wife of one of the friends my dh was out with, who I didn't really know but had contacted because I knew her dh had a mobile, drove to where they were to tell my dh to come home. Her dh had left the mobile at home! I rang for an ambulance and dh arrived at the hospital in time to see his dd born.
Your pil planned a holiday that meant they would be back before you were due and even though you went into labour early they were there. I think you are getting things a little out of proportion and as others say you need to stop stressing about things that didn't happen. Concentrate on enjoying your new son and don't dwell on things you can't change and risk spoiling the precious first few months of your baby's life and your relationship with your pil.
Congratulations on the birth of your little boy. smile

bantam73 Fri 24-Oct-08 10:40:22

Hi

My mum and dad are going away the day I'm due, totaly by accident the dates have crossed. My mum hopes the baby comes before she goes but my 2nd came on her due day.......

parannoyed Fri 24-Oct-08 11:04:15

Bantam that's really crap for you, hope they're around when baby arrives.

This thread has really made me think and get things in perspective, yep it was hurtful at the time but all did turn out okay in the end. I'm lucky my children have two sets of grandparents that love them, i was very close to my grandparents and i wouldn't want to ever get in the way of my children having a good relationship with theirs.

Going to let it go, thanks mumnetters it's so refreshing to come on a site where people give you honest opinions.

noonar Fri 24-Oct-08 11:15:02

paranoyed, i was upset that my in laws booked a weekend away on my actual due date. they were our childcare for dd1, when i went into labour.

dh told them that i felt hurt that they werent putting us at a higher priority at this time, and they went totally loopy. they totally ostracised(sp) me during the final 2 weeks of my pregnancy. we're talking major family dispute. was unbearably stressful for me.

looking back, maybe i was feeling over anxious and sensitive, but i dont think i deserved this treatment.

i do have some empathy with you, but think its time to move on.

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