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AIBU?

to send daughter to grandma's as a punishment??

57 replies

silvercrown · 23/10/2008 16:22

Basically have 3 girls and the middle one is being a real pain at the moment - she's verbally nasty to her little sister who worships her and she has also been swearing alot and always in a strop over one thing or another. We live fairly close to hubby's family and I have suggested to him that we send middle daughter to his mum's for the week (half term) as I just want her out of my face for the time being as I am likely to really lose my temper with her if her attitude doesn't get any better. Hubby thinks I'm being unreasonable - not about her behaviour but that I should consider making his mum suffer her. I said that I thought it was a good idea because his mum will be strict with her and she'll be away from her sisters - the eldest who also doesn't get along with the youngest child and so when the two of them get together being horrible to her it is really awful. Also middle child doesn't really like staying with this grandma so it removes her from a potentially explosive situation over half term, gives her time away from her sistsers which she may appreciate a little more when she returns and it wouldn't be a treat for her - in the past I've sent the eldest to hubby's mum because of the relationship with her youngest sister but as she has a great relationship with grandma it's been a treat for her. I know that if I sent eldest daughter again then middle daughter will probably be nice to her little sister again as she'll want a playmate but I really think she needs a time out and with her out of the way force the other two to get along. So am I being unreasonable to want to do this or should I just keep shouting at her all half term??

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 23/10/2008 16:24

Time out is a couple of minutes on a step

A whole week of time out I am not sure about .

Sounds like you have got your hands full but couldn't you have days out with grandma and all three girls and you and instead

GylesBandwidth · 23/10/2008 16:27

Yes, sending a child away to stay with a relative they dislike is a wonderful way to create family harmony.

It won't affect your DD2 at all - being with strict granny, whilst you all breathe a sigh of relief and have fun without her.

You sound like a character in a Roald Dahl novel.

Parenting is tough. Bite the bullet, and work on your relationship with your DD.

silvercrown · 23/10/2008 16:29

No - it would be a punishment for me to spend time with hubby's mother - plus she actually hates me too and she can't cope well with all 3 together - when I say close by I mean an hour's drive away. Grandma has had dd1 for over a week in school holidays before but never had dd2 and will never have dd3 (her choice) - my mum has made noises she would have dd3 but then says she can't because she is working but she is 3 hours drive away anyway and the carer of my dad and has my brother still living at home with his dd visiting. DD3 refuses to leave my side so I know that the jealousey issue between her and dd1 is caused partly because of this and because dd1 and dd2 just cannot share each other with dd3. I probably won't send her because she'll worm her way around me but I do think it would do her some good (and probably grandma who has made it clear dd1 is her fabvourite and she hasn't much time for the other two at all).

OP posts:
orangina · 23/10/2008 16:30

I suspect that although you might have a quieter half term, you will have a very angry little girl on your hands when she returns from Grandmas.... I have to say, I agree with GylesBandwidth....

zippitippitoes · 23/10/2008 16:30

great for grandma [not]

silvercrown · 23/10/2008 16:31

Roald dahl novel?? I've never had a break from DD2 or DD3 in 9 years - grandparents don't even take them out for days out - and dd2 and dd3 are incredibly close to me but because of this dd2 thinks she can get away with murder with me and I'm at a point in my life where I have coped for 10 years raising 3 kids with no family help whatsoever and would like to have a little help for once.

OP posts:
batters · 23/10/2008 16:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

silvercrown · 23/10/2008 16:32

I'm not on citalopram for nothing you know.

OP posts:
BrownSuga · 23/10/2008 16:33

I'd send her. A bit of space on both sides could work well. Is it possible to do it for 4 days though, so as not to be too much of a burden on the grandmother.

zippitippitoes · 23/10/2008 16:33

well kids are a lifetime commitment..you can't really ship them out

and it doesn't solve any issues anyway

AbbeyA · 23/10/2008 16:33

I should only send her if it is going to be a treat and Grandma is going to make a fuss of her and do special things.
A grandparent is supposed to spoil-not be used as a punishment!
You could send the other 2 and spend some time working on your relationship with the middle one.

LynetteScavo · 23/10/2008 16:33

Could they take turns in going to Grandmas?

silvercrown · 23/10/2008 16:33

10, 9 and 5 but I think all 3 are taking drugs secretly because they are on the go from the minute they get up until 2 hours AFTER they've gone to bed at 8am and dd3 will come in EVERY night to sleep with me so I get about 4 hours sleep a night if I'm lucky - so yes having trouble coping at times and I don't have friends locally as I've moved to a new area.

OP posts:
unavailable · 23/10/2008 16:34

Does the grandma in question get a say in this?

Thomcat · 23/10/2008 16:35

Getting help is one thing, I agree you need help.
Sending DD2 away for a week as a punishment is not the way to go about getting help, in my humble opinion, it's not the answer.

BrownSuga · 23/10/2008 16:35

A week out of a lifetime isn't a big deal. It could give everyone the breathing space they need to calm down.

silvercrown · 23/10/2008 16:36

She's bound to say no. She only has a decent relationship with dd1. Because dd2 and dd3 are close to me she's not particularly fond of them but it would be a good chance for her to work on her relationship with dd2 NO???

OP posts:
ohIdoliketobebesidethe · 23/10/2008 16:36

Perhaps you shouldn't let her get away with murder.
" I thought it was a good idea because his mum will be strict with her" Can you be stricter with her rather than delegating that?

BrownSuga · 23/10/2008 16:36

DD2 wouldn't know it's punishment, for her, it's a holiday at grandmas.

pingping · 23/10/2008 16:37

Don't do it. My DSM did this to me when I was younger sent me to My Aunties as a punishment for a whole week I hated it and hated my Aunty after that as she was seen as a punishment.

Why not send your little DD and let her have some fun Grandma time

silvercrown · 23/10/2008 16:37

Thank you BrownSuga for being more understanding.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 23/10/2008 16:37

I was wondering that unavailable.

Being used as a family version of the naughty step might not be her idea of fun

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unavailable · 23/10/2008 16:37

If she's bound to say no, its not an option then is it?

herbietea · 23/10/2008 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mabanana · 23/10/2008 16:38

I think OP sounds at the end of her tether but would be responsive for empathetic ideas as to how to make things better. I'm sure there are lots of mums of three or four or more who have dealt with jealousy and middle child syndrome who could offer advice from experience. My gaps are so big that this didn't really happen. It really sounds to me as if your middle child needs much more attention than she's getting (which I'm sure is tricky with the three of them) which is why she is acting up in this way, and sending her away is therefore likely to make her worse. How old are your girls? Can you describe them? What is the middle girl's strengths? What does she love doing? How about some kind of drama class in the day like Stagecoach where she can show off to her heart's content, you get a break and she has fun - and taking some special time just you and her. I am sure she is mean to her little sister because she is jealous - the smallest one supplanted her as the baby and maybe left her feeling as if she hasn't got a special role in the family, esp if the little one is clingy and takes up a lot of your time and attention. It sounds from your post as if your dd2's behaviour is a fairly recent thing, is that right? What do you think happened around the time it changed?

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