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to get pissed off when my brother tells my son off

(31 Posts)
R2G Thu 23-Oct-08 01:36:25

My son is a toddler. My brother yells at his kids at the top of his voice. he scared my nephew (his son) so much last week shouting because he threw a toy across the floor that my nephew scratched at his own face in frustration.
Ifeel I am perfectly capable of looking after my son, my brother clearly thinks he is a spoilt brat. Here's the example from tonight
Mum was looking after my son while I worked. Got there at 6.30pm. Just saying it was time for a bath and my mum brought out some chocolates (a present from my sister just back off holiday). My son has one with my niece (brother's daughter) and then he gets another without asking. I say put it back and ask nanny. He throws a fit kicking and screaming on the floor. I just make sure he is safe and try to ignore just saying things like come on it's bath time in a minute don't spoil things when you have been so good.
In my mind and experience of the days I work, when I get there he is tired and sometimes a bit attention seeking in the sense he hasnt seen me all day so good or bad he wants my attention.
My brother comes in from the other room (watching telly only ever comes in to bloody bellow) and yells at my son to get up and quit it. I say I am sat right here next to DS thank you and he is very tired please dont yell at him. Brother making comments like 'well someone had to take charge he is getting out of control, he obviously is allowed to behave like this at home'. When he is calm I say ask nanny nicely and share with your cousin. he is 2 and a half so says 'please i want it' Brotehr starts mumbling 'oh that's a lovely way to ask isnt it is noone going to teach him any manners either'.
Fed up of him. What to do and AIBU? I think I am a patient mother and he is an impatient arse who ignores his kids (when we are at my mums) only to come and yell when things get out of hand.

saffiw Thu 23-Oct-08 01:47:03

Why if you picked your toddler son up at 6.30pm, did you not say thankyou to your mum and take him straight home for his bath! Instead of making an already tired boy stay at Nanna's

R2G Thu 23-Oct-08 01:56:07

Just what I always do is take him for a bath with his cousin, put his PJs on there and he will drink his milk in the car and fall asleep. If I take him home he falls asleep in the car and I have to wake him up again to get washed, nappy on and a little drink.
I usually come in and get them straight in the bath it was just a case of 5 minutes dilly dallying with the chocolates.
he goes to bed at 7.30 usually. he isnt exhausted at 6.30, just getting a bit cranky on occasion especially as he has started to drop his aftrenoon nap.
Does that make sense?

thumblesswitch Thu 23-Oct-08 02:01:32

no YANBU, your brother should have seen you were there and left you to it - but you could ask your mum not to get chocolates out at a sensitive time in the evening to avoid a repeat performance, as that was clearly an unhelpful thing to have done.

R2G Thu 23-Oct-08 02:02:01

Also, just to say this is two days a week. The rest of the days I am with him at home and bed bath and story time is a much calmer affair!

sandcastles Thu 23-Oct-08 02:03:22

Yes & no, in a way!

I don't think it is beyond the realms when another person tells our children off. My friend did it to dd the other day, but there is a way to do it. Sometimes our children listen better to other people than they do us.

If your brother didn't see it start, he may have thought that you were unable to quieten him, instead of taking the ignoring line.

I do feel it is too much to let him continue screaming if your brother was watching the TV. Not everyone wants to hear your toddler screaming.

I also think I wouldn't have let him have the second chocolate after that performance. You are just rewarding undesirable behaviour, whether he asked nicely or not. You basically said to him 'throw a tanty & get that choc you want'

R2G Thu 23-Oct-08 02:10:14

yeah its not so much that I care about someone telling my son off for being naughty or trying to help me with him or something. I just think it's out of order to bellow at him and make comments that I can't handle him. He is a great kid. i think kids should be allowed to have emotions not just be quieted on every occasion (where appropriate yes but not as I explained in a situation where any adult can see what is wrong with the child better than the child can understand it themselves. ie I have to work that time and he is a ratbag when I get there). i couldnt give a shit that my brother was watching telly to be honest- that's what I mean he can come out to shout his head off but not to see mine (or his own kids) reading a story together and being lovely.

sandcastles Thu 23-Oct-08 02:22:44

Weel if your ds is cranky when you arrive, can your mum not bath him & change him earlier to avoid this?

ILovePudding Thu 23-Oct-08 04:47:52

IMO the OP's brother was wrong to shout at her DS because his motivation for doing so was wrong. It seems as though he shouted to relieve his frustration at not being able to watch tv in peace, not because he was trying to teach his nephew how to gain control of his emotions.

The OP's child is under 3 - shouting at a young toddler when they are having a tantrum is ineffective I believe. The OP was there and was handling her child in the way that she saw fit. It would have been appropriate for her brother to step in if she wasn't around, but he still shouldn't have shouted. That's a horrible way to treat a child.

lilysmummy2007 Thu 23-Oct-08 05:14:48

where and who baths the OPs son is not the point,they do say i takes a village to raise a child, in this case household, but the OPs ds was probably just looking for attention from his mum and the brother should keep out of it. he wasnt in pain or hurting anyone, just having a little whinge, so it was not his place to stick his oar in, the childs mum was right there.he should respect his sisters style of parenting even if its not the way he would do it.

MonkeyLover Thu 23-Oct-08 05:51:48

No YANBU. Because:
a) He should respect your parenting style
b) I don't think his style is effective with a tantrumming toddler. It's bad enough having one (small) person screaming without other people joining in.
c) He's being rude criticizing your parenting (what happened to his manners?

It sounds like you've thought a lot about how to handle the logistics of the days your ds is at your mum's. And you're sensitive to what might be driving his moods. That's a lot more useful than yelling, imo.

Kbear Thu 23-Oct-08 06:54:36

You sound like you know exactly what you're doing and you should ignore your brother!! He sounds like a jealous petulant child.

LynetteScavo Thu 23-Oct-08 07:08:12


My sisters have had words with my children when we are at my mothers house, but they have done it in an apropriate way.

Your brother sounds like a grumpy git. Is he like this about every thing? If possible have a word with him about shouting at your soon.

R2G Thu 23-Oct-08 10:10:50

Ah yeah I do love my brother but he is like this about everything. He has a lot of stress. He was a single parent for several years and he does always seem to be out to prove something about his way to my way. What I mean by that is that he has a son and I have a son. He seems my sons behaviour as completely inappropriate, I just see it as normal. I agree. I understand the comments about let my mum bath him etc, but some days time just goes. My sister had just returned from holiday and my mum was chatting. My son had his tea and was playing with his cousins. As I say it is not every day or even a typical day with my mum.
So what should I say to my brother? Should I just say it there and then or actually perhaps bring it up at a separate time? It annoys my husband too but he just wants to leave it (v. close to my brother)

R2G Thu 23-Oct-08 23:29:41


MonkeyLover Fri 24-Oct-08 00:06:42

If he's prone to being a bit tantrummy himself I doubt calling him on it mid-flow would work. If it were me I'd speak to him some other time & tell him honestly how this makes you feel i.e. it's upsetting to hear him imply you're a bad parent. I wouldn't mention the fact that you think he's no great shakes himself.

thumblesswitch Fri 24-Oct-08 00:08:37

should have said it there and then, I think. if the situation arises again, perhaps comment then, otherwise perhaps you should let it go for this one.

R2G Sun 26-Oct-08 23:12:42

Okay different brother same problem! AIBU? over sensitive? It is pissing me off so much as I do not do it to their children, especially if they are around.
Family party at house.. very busy, lots of kids and running around, telly on for football(!). Brotehrs watching that, me and others entertaining kids at the time. Asked my son (under 3) would he like a drink 'yes'. What would you like milk or water. 'I like milk'. Grand.
Then my brother shouts his name and holds his shoulders, crouches down to his face supernanny style and says,
'When your mummy asks you a question you say 'yes please mummy' and 'please may i have milk'. Go and say 'please may i have' to your mother.
I let him come over and say it and then just said, 'you have lovely manners DS, you enjoy the party'.
Spoke to my mum about it today. She clocked it and her comment was it was OTT and their own children are no better or worse than my DS, and their ways are no better or worse. They are overstepping the mark, but I should try to just forget it and not get het up.
Your comments please...AIBU to be sick of my brothers ways?!

R2G Mon 27-Oct-08 21:28:17

Just checked in and no-one has commented on the last post..interested to know am IBU and over sensitive or perfectly right?

chequersandchess Mon 27-Oct-08 21:38:52

I think you're being a bit over-sensitive. I'm not saying it's not annoying, but if they get on your nerves this much perhaps you should give then a wide berth.

elkiedee Mon 27-Oct-08 22:00:11

Your brother's being unreasonable.

I'm a bit surprised by all the advice and criticism here of OP and her mum even - yes, he was clearly tired but this isn't what happens every day and there are times like that with children, you can't avoid all situations where they get too tired.

Your brother was in another room and hadn't actually seen what happened or heard what you said to your son. I think he was behaving like a brat and would be furious if someone did this with my son.

constancereader Mon 27-Oct-08 22:21:16

I think your brother is way out of order, if someone spoke like that to my ds I would be very pissed off.

I also can't believe some of the criticism directed at you, it sounds to me like you have considered your responses to your son very carefully and don't have unrealistic expectations of his behavior. I feel sorry for your brother's children tbh.

scaredoflove Mon 27-Oct-08 22:31:50

Are they older than you? OR been parents longer than you have? I get this sort of thing from my older siblings, especially when mine were younger. They knew it all and i was 'the baby' They felt they needed to take over sometimes, also got it from my parents too

Happily I have got mine to teenagers with much less problems than theirs and can now feel really smug that actually I was doing a good jobgrin

If they started on my kids, I would swoop in, smile and say 'different parents, different parenting' and swoop the child away to somewhere else in the house

You need to tell him, unless your son is doing something very very naughty (like hurting another) or is in danger, you don't need their help and you will deal with behaviour and manners thank you

R2G Tue 28-Oct-08 13:46:58

Scared of love. Well the second example brother is older and the first brother is my youngest brothers. We have a big family so chequers that is not really feasible solution for me to just avoid them. We all centre around my mums house and that is just the way it is.
Yes I think I just need to address it. My youngest brother has loads of 'issues' and he has very much depended on me in the past I didnt want to upset him, and the older brother and I have a good relationship in the main, but I have a wierd one with his wife and he has always been bossy.
I have tried to say 'yes it's okay I'm here thanks' but I just find it really difficult.
My son at the moment is the baby of the grandkids (although they both have another one each on the way) and being the only daughter with kids I am already close with my mum so i do think there is a bit of jealousy there. eg my mum looks after my son while I work and not the others (however, her reasoning is clear to me. ne SIL has her mum round the corner, and the other doesn't work just wants the kids looked after full stop!)

R2G Tue 28-Oct-08 13:49:47

scared oflove that's exactly how I feel like they are starting on him..

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