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To request this help of DH for first few months when 3rd child arrives

(23 Posts)
Flum Wed 22-Oct-08 19:49:50

He works from home 80% of the time and usually starts about 8.30ish and finishes about 8pm. At the moment he has brekkie with us 2 or 3 days a week and does bedtime stories with kids 2 or 3 nights a week. Helps lots at weekends when he is not playing sport which he loves.

So instead of getting a mothers help I have suggested the followinng:

Mon & Fri he gives up 1 hour 4.40pm - 5.40pm to either take dd to club or look after the younger two at home.

Tues, Wed, Thurs - walk dd1 to school which will take 30 mins max 8.40am to 9.10am#

This is 3.5 hours per week and if he has a meeting or heavy workload he won't do it.

The other alternative I have thought of is that he be available from 6pm (unless meetings workload etc) each evening to help with bedtime routine -bear in mind he loses no time commuting etc so can still easily fit in a 9-10 hour day before 6pm.

I want to agree it in advance so that I mostly don't have to keep asking him if he is able to help or just muddling along and potentially struggling.

Am I asking too much or too little.....? I am aware that I am a stay at home mum at the moment but also want to avoid having a breakdown or feeling too hard done by.


Or is this a reasonable? Any other suggestions.

cupchar Wed 22-Oct-08 19:53:20

Would let him do his work like he's at work & benefit from the no commuting time he has

Flum Wed 22-Oct-08 19:55:06

Do you mean don't ask him to do anything in day but help from 6pm?

Miyazaki Wed 22-Oct-08 19:57:21

Can you afford the mothers help? If you can I would do that.

This all sounds a bit like it could fall down really easily.

MrsMattie Wed 22-Oct-08 19:57:48

I really identify with you@Flum. Your Dh sounds just like my DH. I'm 35 weeks pregnant with our 2nd baby. Am also a SAHM, but had a c-section and PND last time round and don't want to fall into that trap of feeling knackered and resentful. I think yoiu are being perfectly reasonable, as long as there is some room for your DH to make suggestions as to how he could help / manage his time better, too.

Good luck!

traceybath Wed 22-Oct-08 19:58:27

I'd say it depends how much he realistically needs to do - may just be easier to get a mother's help.

hotbot Wed 22-Oct-08 20:01:12

would also suggesst mothers help as you will both need some time off, and perhaps time with other children once dc3 is born i thikn you both need some help

cmotdibbler Wed 22-Oct-08 20:01:22

I think asking him to do bedtime 6-8 is more than reasonable - in fact if he is generally working from home and doesn't get a lot of phone conferences at that time, I'd find it a bit weird that he doesn't do it now.

Walking DD to school a couple of mornings a week when he can would be nice too for a couple of months.

Great idea to agree it now so that he has it clear in his mind what he has to do

scaryfucker Wed 22-Oct-08 20:02:23

I don't understand this kind of relationship to be honest.

Why so businesslike? You sound like it needs to be written down in the form of a contract that you both sign for it to be "binding".

Is having dc not a partnership, with give and take on both sides?

Does your DH feel his life should carry on in exactly the same way as it did before?

Is everything he does for the family "counted" in some way?

And why are you going along with it?

WalkerBurnie Wed 22-Oct-08 20:23:09

Does your DH need to work such long hours for his job? If he doesn't why would he not help more already?
If he ca neasily spare the time then I think it is reasonable to ask him

Twelvelegs Wed 22-Oct-08 20:24:46

Has he changed anything since you had children?

googgly Wed 22-Oct-08 20:29:18

Don't call it "helping". All the time he is working, you are also working. There's no more reason for you to do all the kid stuff at the weekend than for him to do it.

It's reasonable to expect him to pitch in more on the domestic side when there are 3 children, though you may find that he does anyway. My dh did basically nothing when we had 2 dcs (everything done by me plus a lot of paid help because we both woth). With 3 the stress and workload just exploded and he just started dealing with it. I was amazed and delighted.

findtheriver Wed 22-Oct-08 20:36:35

Hmm tricky one.

If he was actually OUT at work from 8 til 8.30 then he wouldnt be around would he, so you'd have to manage on your own? In a way, as he's working, maybe you need to treat it the same.

If you can't manage looking after 3 kids then why not get a mothers' help??

spookyrookie Wed 22-Oct-08 20:44:57

Agree with the others, ask him to do some of it but get a mothers help as well.

mooog Wed 22-Oct-08 20:46:45

Where are the other two dd's during the morning and afternoon? If they are at school, then to be honest I cant see why you would need so much extra help. He is working for the family after all, and sounds like a good help anyway. Most other mums have to just get on with it as they are single mums or the hubby is at work.

Flum Wed 22-Oct-08 20:49:05

Well we have just had a great conversation and made a good arrangement. Scaryfucker I know what you mean but we have both found over the years of marriage that we like it better when our 'expectations are managed' eg we know what to expect from each other.

We are very happily married but he is much more career orientated than I am, and very driven on the work front.

I also realise that as a stay at home mum I do not work all day. I enjoy coffee out with friends. I sit and read or play with the children. Sometimes they watch TV and I go on email for half an hour. It is not all hard graft, just there are flash points.

Anyway we have struck a great deal. He is going to get the girls up each day about 7.15 and get them dressed and do breakfast so I can deal with the baby or rest. At 8.30 I will be 'on duty' to take dd to school etc. At the other end of the day 6.30pm he will come and finish the bedtime routine off.

That gives him a straight 10 hours uninterrupted potential work day which he can also fit his gym session into if work permits.

He also thinks I shoudl get someone eg neighbours daughter to come over for a couple of hours from say 3 - 5 to help out with kids incase baby is demanding.

Its cool. I'm very happy with it and so is he.

I do all the nighttime stuff anyway so not having to get kids up at 7.15am will be great.

Thanks for all your input.

MrsMattie Wed 22-Oct-08 20:50:57

I think it's about knowing that there is some structure to your week and that your DH is definitely going to take on some duties at a vulnerable time for the mother, rather than it being an 'as and when I'm free' thing. i don't think it's odd at all.

'Most mums' is a big generalisation@mooog. My situation is very similar to the OPs and I know many others in the same boat.

scaryfucker Wed 22-Oct-08 20:52:10

that sounds great flum

I re-read my post and it sounds a bit hmm so I apologise for that. No offence was intended.

Tbh, if more relationships were as upfront as yours, maybe fewer would fail smile

Flum Wed 22-Oct-08 20:55:20

Mooog. I totally agree with you in the long term. Eldest dd is at school so no worries there, the other is 2 and half and really no trouble, amuses herself and has a very fun and happy nature.

I am really concerned about the first few months when it will be a bit of a shock to the system. I think once I find my feet and get into it I will be fine on my own.

Flum Wed 22-Oct-08 20:59:09

Ahh lovely an AIBU thread that has ended cleanly with no scrapping.

No offence Scaryfucker Mumsnet is the place to vent ones views on how life should be lived by everyone. I relish every opportunity to pass judgement ont he way other people live their lives on here!

Its nearly as good as Wifeswap when I love shouting at the telly and being holier than though about my perfect life.

pointygravedogger Wed 22-Oct-08 21:03:51

to be fair, it all ended fine because you talked to your dh about it after about 3 posts. Which is what you should have done in the first place anyway

scaryfucker Wed 22-Oct-08 21:21:39

I stand by my "business-like" comment though wink

mooog Wed 22-Oct-08 21:46:18

Actually, after you explained it, I totally understand your 'nervousness' in the first few months.
Me. I was terrified for the first few months and was very grateful for any help I got.
Just need to start using my memory a little more!

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