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to be expected to throw a big party for DD 1st Birthday when my mum only died a few weeks ago?

(38 Posts)
Lucky13 Wed 22-Oct-08 10:59:00

My mum died a few weeks ago and i am devastated. I'm keeping going and everyone sees a strong outward face, but inside i'm in pieces.

My MIL and i used to get on, but once i got pregnant she changed with me and is now more bossy, insensitive and two faced. Its hard to explain, she's just not very nice to me anymore. Other friends and family think that its because she didn't cope well when her two were little and for some reason she's taking it out on me.

Anyway to cut a long story short, I've just been told by my DH that i'm expected throw a big family party for DD first birthday and that lots of his relations are coming (invited by MIL)!

I just can't cope with this let alone even face the thought of it. I was just going to have my dad and the in-laws over for lunch.

All i want is my mum, but instead i'm going have to play happy party host when its the last thing i want!


kerryk Wed 22-Oct-08 11:01:30

NO!!! dont even try and get through it.

your baby is only going to be one and will have no idea about what day it is.

go out for a nice meal with baby and dh or just get a take-away in.

kerryk Wed 22-Oct-08 11:02:27

sorry missed the bit about the dinner. that sounds like a good idea.

shootfromthehip Wed 22-Oct-08 11:06:17

No, no, no- do not do it. My DDad died a couple of months before my DS's first b-day and I was in no way ready to have a party. Tell your MIL that you are not going to have a celebration that involves the extended family as you feel that it is inappropriate. And have a word with your DH- he needs to stand up to his mother. Jeez, men hmm

AbbeyA Wed 22-Oct-08 11:06:45

Your baby doesn't want or need a big family party.
Have a very select small birthday tea.

I am really sorry for your loss, having a large family party with extended family without your mother is too much to ask.
If it was something like a wedding you would have to grit your teeth and bear it, but this is your DDs birthday. I wouldn't choose to have a huge party anyway-at the best of times.

LaMonsterWeaselwolf Wed 22-Oct-08 11:06:55

I think it's fair enough to not want to do something big, as long as you do something (and small dinner sounds great) don't let your MIL bully you into anything more. Get your DP on her case that you are having a rough time and being told to host a party isn't fair.

filz Wed 22-Oct-08 11:08:14

sorry your MIl should be more understanding, how insensitive of her

I am sorry about your mum.

Put your foot down though, you need time noit a big fucking party

MmeTussaudsChmberOfChocHobnobs Wed 22-Oct-08 11:08:56

Agree that it is insensitive and inappropriate, both of your MIL for suggesting it and of your DH for not nipping it in the bud.

Your DH has to tell her, and his family, that you are not ready to throw a big party.

giddly Wed 22-Oct-08 11:08:56

Sorry to hear about your Mum. You are definately NBU, and your DH and ILs are being very insensitive.
My Mum died years before my DDs were born, but I still feel upset she's not there for their birthdays. I think you're being very brave to even have a lunch at this stage. As KK said, it's not as if your DD will care one way or the other at this age.
I hope you manage to sort this out OK.

cocoleBOO Wed 22-Oct-08 11:10:39

Your DH shouldn't be telling you that you are expected to throw a party. He should be telling his Mum what you both have decided on. Don't be bullied.

Sorry for your loss.

nickytwoooohtimes Wed 22-Oct-08 11:10:49

SO sorry for your loss. sad
You are definitely not being unreasonable.
A one year old doesn't need a party at the best of times. If your MIL wants to have a party so much she can have her own.
Your DH needs to stand up to her on this.

Lucky13 Wed 22-Oct-08 11:18:27

Thanks, but DH will never say anything as he doesn't see anything wrong with it and says that people have already put themselves out with travel arrangements.

He thinks i'm anti his family and to be honest i am at the moment - they are so unlike my warm hearted family. They are a cold family who are quite fake and very stiff upper lip type. i just don't want them around me right now - but how can i say that?

I can't ask my family over to balance it out as they all live so far and have travelled so much down to see us recently with everything.

When i told my MIL that i was feeling too down for a party she said 'perhaps i have PND and need to see a doctor'!!

MamaG Wed 22-Oct-08 11:21:43

Lucky to be blunt, your DH needs a kick up the arse. You've just lost a parent which is one of hte worst things anybody can go through and you are still grieving. You don't need the hassle of this pressure on top of everything else, you need time to heal.

Tell DH that you can't face it, you would spend the day in tears thinking of your Mum and just want to keep it low key. Suggest a big party NEXT year when DS will be older and may appreciate it a bit more and when the hurt isn't so raw.

You MUST put your foot down on this one

So sorry to hear about your loss

KimiTrickOrTreat Wed 22-Oct-08 11:22:33

Oh sweetheart, you need to tell DH that it is not on and he must grow a back bone and tell his mother to butt out.
Can you phone round and tell people that there is no party and not to come.

I think everyone is being selfish, your child will not remember a 1st birthday any way.

So sorry for the loss of your mum and the fact you are not getting support.

ComeOVeneer Wed 22-Oct-08 11:25:11

I agree with the others. You need to be blunt with your dh and simply refuse to do it. He is being an insensitive jerk I'm afraid

KimiTrickOrTreat Wed 22-Oct-08 11:25:18

If it were me and they all still insist on coming even though they know you are grieving and are not up to it all right now,I would take DD out for the day and let them all sit there like the selfish fuckwits they are..
But I am a bitch!!

filz Wed 22-Oct-08 11:25:54

look at this time you NEED your husband to be supportive. tell him you cannot cope with it. He needs to act a little more grown up and put your feelings into consideration.

Has your MIL lost her mother?

MmeTussaudsChmberOfChocHobnobs Wed 22-Oct-08 11:26:12

Aside from your grief, a first birthday party will only be fun for your MIL and the other guests, you will be run off your feet and your DD will be bemused by it all. You do not need this kind of stress right now.

Perhaps your MIL meant well (trying to see her in a positive light) and is trying to distract you.

Could you use that? Tell her that you can see that she meant well and is trying to help but that you feel that you need time and peace to come to terms with losing your Mum?

Is there anyone else who could speak to your MIL? Does your DH have a sister or a cousin?

QuintessentialShadow Wed 22-Oct-08 11:28:25

If your MIL wants a big party, she should host it.

Why dont you ask her? Tell her you dont feel up for making a big bash, your mum died just a few weeks ago, so as she is the one who wants the party, and she has invited, it is only fair she hosts it.

QuintessentialShadow Wed 22-Oct-08 11:31:49

I was a bit incensed, and hit post too quickly. I meant to add, you are not unreasonable, it is not appropriate for YOU to host the party. Yet, you dont want to deprive her and your inlaws of a birthday bash. (you say)

From the perspective of the rest of your family, it is not appropriate for you to host a party, which is another reason MIL should host it. Tell her you are concerned that you will come across both insensitive and rude if you yourself host it, and she (mil) does not have such concernes, because she is not in mourning. It is not the done thing.
Appeal to her better nature and sense of what is the done thing.

And, sorry for your loss. sad

Lucky13 Wed 22-Oct-08 11:40:00

MIL has lost her mother and she say she knows how i feel, but at the same time comes out with insensitive comments. Like i told her that i get upset at certain things and she looks down her nose at me and says 'i guess you're not ready to be strong yet'!! She seems to think that grieving should be over by now.

The rest of her family are the same - her sister is so obnoxious, we won't even go there (she didn't even send a sympathy card) and DH has only just started getting on with his sister after years. His sister is one of the most selfish people i know, but is improving slightly.

Perhaps i will suggest we got to MIL, but even then i can't face the thought of sitting there with these insensitive people who play at happy families.

I think i am going crazy - i used to be able to tolerate them but now i just want to scream.

giddly Wed 22-Oct-08 11:40:51

A good post from QS. Sounds like MIL might be keen on the "done thing". Many of the older generation would think it inappropriate to have a party so soon after a bereavment, and you could say you think your Dad would be hurt and offended.
However, if you don't want a party at all (whether at MILs or not) I think that is also very understandable, and you could use the same arguement to say why it should be cancelled completely.

filz Wed 22-Oct-08 11:42:03

was her mum elderly when she died?

Of course you are not going to be 'over it' and 'getting on with things'

Cheesesarnie Wed 22-Oct-08 11:42:37

tell your mil if she wants to do it thats ok but your grieving so cannot do it.your dc wont remember it.

sorry for your losssad

QuintessentialShadow Wed 22-Oct-08 11:48:32

But you could let your mil host it, and your dh could take dc. I understand you are grieving, but they are not, so YOU could stay home and let them get on with it. Let your dh explain on the day that you did not feel well, and not make too big a point of not showing.

Then you can have a nice celebration with a meal and some cake, balloons and presents, just you, dh and dc. Nice, tight, just the three of you.

THEY get their bash, and then YOU get time with just the closest family. And nobody can blame you for being a partypooper, and nor for being insensitive and inappropriate.

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