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to not want my MIL to look after my DS's while I am in hospital having DC3?

(29 Posts)
mabel1973 Mon 20-Oct-08 11:57:15

This was the plan (2 years ago) when I was pregnant with DS2 :
In laws take mobile phone to bed with them, when I go in to labour and I am ready to go into hospital, we phone them to let them know and drive down (5 minutes away)with DS1 (then aged 21 months) to drop him off with them, whilst DH and I go to hospital.

This is what actually happened (bearing in mind i was a week overdue and had had a sweep that day, not it was not exactly 'out of the blue'):
At 5.00am we try calling...no answer. Try land line...no answer.
DH gets Ds1 out of bed pops him in the car and drives down to inlaws, thinking he can get in with the spare key which is in the garage, and wake them up. He gets down there, gets the key, but they have double locked the door and put the chain on. DH tries banging on the door...but no answer.
after about 20 minutes, he arrives back at home, with DS, I was totally astounded to see he still had DS1 with him. So we called my parents and had to drive over there (20 minutes away) to drop him off with them.

I am now 36 weeks pg with DC3. Everytime my MIL sees me, she drops into conversation that they are taking ALL the phones to bed now, leaving the chain off the door etc..etc..
She has not once actually asked me who I would like to look after the DS's when I go into hospital, she has just presumed that being the closest, she will have them.
After last time, quite frankly, I don't want her to have them on principle, plus inspite of her reassurances, I don't trust her not to let it happen again.
I don't need this when I am in labour and I have told my mum that I want her to have them, however I am not sure how to tackle this with her.
Dh has not told her that she is not having them, he knows she will be upset (she is a bit of a drama queen), so he has just said to her that 'everyone is on standby'.
What would you do??? Am I just being pathetic because she messed it up last time??

FlirtyThirty Mon 20-Oct-08 11:59:52

Your DH has excactly the right tack. This is not a battle you need to fight. Stick with the 'everyone's on standby' line and then just take them to your parents. Your MIL will likely not mind once the baby is born and she has something else to talk about...

RubySlippers Mon 20-Oct-08 12:00:55

don't punish her for a mistake 2 years ago

sounds like she is prepared now

LaMonsterWeaselwolf Mon 20-Oct-08 12:00:55

Tough one really. Sounds like she knows she messed up and wants to make it right this time, but I can see why you wouldn't want it to happen again. Plus now you've told your mum she's having them it would be rude to back out and switch round.

I would probably make up a reason why your mum is having them instead of her to be honest! You do need to let her know soon though.

LilRedWGoreandguts Mon 20-Oct-08 12:03:02

Next time she mentions it just say casually, "Oh, don't worry, my Mum is having the boys." If she pulls a face, just pile it on a bit about how needy your mum is (of course warn your Mum that you're going to do this so that it doesn't back fire).

Or, if you are feeling hormonal and stressed, just say, "Don't bother, my Mum is having them. I'm too stressed worrying about it so she has stepped in."

OR () tell your husband to grow a pair and tell her. I can understand that this is probably not an option - DH's and their Mum eh? wink

Whatever happens - good luck.

mabel1973 Mon 20-Oct-08 12:03:09

Flirty - last time, when she found out my mum had got DS1, she went through the phone book to get my mums number and rang her to tell her she was coming to pick DS1 up, as if my mum couldn't look after him, or DS1 didn't know my mum!. My mum was ever so slightly pissed off!!!! She wouldn't get her off the phone and I think my mum had to be quite rude to her in the end.

compo Mon 20-Oct-08 12:04:36

hi Mabel - congrats on no.3 , i didn't know you were expecting smile smile

LilRedWGoreandguts Mon 20-Oct-08 12:04:53

Is there any other job you can give her to make her feel important?

LuLuBai Mon 20-Oct-08 12:05:21

Sounds like you are absolutely right to use your mother rather than the in-laws. I would have been apoplectic with rage!!!

I agree with FlirtyThirty though - prob best not to make an issue out of it now. Send the kids to your mum, don't bother telling the in-laws. Once the baby is born they should be busier doting on the newborn than worrying about it. If they do ask, just say that your mother happened to be nearby when you went into labour or something like that.

mabel1973 Mon 20-Oct-08 12:06:19

Lamonster - my mum is not bothered, she knows what MIL is like, she is easy going about it all.
i think I am punishing her for what happened last time, but also I think it is also the fact that she is being so presumptuous,. She hasn't discussed it with me, she has just talked at me about it angry

compo Mon 20-Oct-08 12:06:28

I agree with the others. just say that your mum is having them this time and for her not to worry

LuLuBai Mon 20-Oct-08 12:07:38

wow x-posts

stunned speechless by your MIL - calling your mum to say she was going to pick DS up!?!?

Perhaps you do need to have a 'frank' conversation with her after all.

monkeymonkeymonkey Mon 20-Oct-08 12:08:08

Sounds like the best thing for your mum to take them.. You need a reliable solution, not to be worrying for the next few weeks about what happens when you go into labour.
Just make up some reason why it had to be your mum. Or maybe if you were all round there anyway when you started getting twinges it might have seemed easier to just leave the kids at your mums rather than move them wink

mabel1973 Mon 20-Oct-08 12:08:14

Thanks compo grin

I am just hoping it happens during the day this time, so we can say we called them and they were out, or something like that!! I am such a coward!

childrenofthecornsilk Mon 20-Oct-08 12:08:40

Just take them to your mum. You don't need to say anything to her about it unless she asks you.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Mon 20-Oct-08 12:12:27

DO NOT UPSET HER. My sister was very organised with her dc3 birth plan and what would happen to her other two. Her mil was going to have them and my nana was going to have them if for any reason they could get get hold of her mil.

About 6 weeks before she was due I get a frantic phone call off my mum "Get to the nursery NOW your sister is being rushed to hospital for a section your nana has nephew but doesnt have a buggy so cant go for neice. Her mil can't do it she has had a drink and is booked for a meal tonight. You will have to have them overnight if her dh is still at hospital because your nana is going away tonight"

So after all that carefull planning she still had to use her backup plan because baby came early. You need mil onside just incase.

Bubbaluv Mon 20-Oct-08 12:15:03

Take them to your Mums and tell the inlaws that you called and called... grin

yomellamoHelly Mon 20-Oct-08 12:18:32

Stick with you mum. Though it may help to have a fall-back plan. (Doesn't mean you'll definitely use MIL mind.)
Similar happened to us. ILs staying in nearby hotel specifically so could look after ds1. Didn't answer either of their mobiles or the hotel phone or banging on door by man on reception (was 5 through 'til 6 in the morning). Dh contacted a friend who was in process of coming over (but no previous experience of looking after ds1 for breakfast etc of any longer than a few hours) to take over when they finally heard all the commotion and realised what was going on. They hadn't expected the baby to come so soon (5 days early - but that is why they were there in the hotel!). In end we had to leave ds1 in house on his own (still fast asleep in bed) and cross our fingers. Ds2 was born 2 hours after we got to the hospital.

alphabetsoup Mon 20-Oct-08 12:18:47

stick with the 2standby" line and get them to yr mum if possible; if not mil can actually be standby without realising it iyswim.

My mil was meant to be on call for the birth of dc2; dc1 had arrived quickish, and dc2 was we'd been warned likely to be quicker ! Both were overdue so again no surprises. mil was f ing useless and when she took the call at 5am she fannied about so long WASHING HER HAIR that dc2 had arrived. dh missed the birth/ was unable to support me as he had to stay home with dc1 aged 21m.

You don't need the stress of her being unreliable, but don't annoy her eithe.

mabel1973 Mon 20-Oct-08 12:33:54

alphabetsoup sad what an awful situation that your DH missed the birth.
I have had 2 long labours, so I am hoping we will have plenty of time to get organised (although know I can't count on it) , even with my mum 20 minutes away.
MY mil is big on faffing....
Also another issue, which is my trump card, should I need it, she has never had both the DS's to stay over night, and DS1 has only stayed over once (in four years!). Whereas my mum has had them a few times, so if they need to stay over I would obviously be happier if they stay at my mums, as they are more used to it

plj Mon 20-Oct-08 12:40:58

I have huge issues with my MIL, and if I was in your situation I would take the other children to my own mums. You certainly don't need anything else to be worrying about right now. I have had a similar situation in past, and although I really wanted to tell MIL the real reason I didn't want her to take my DT's-I chose the easy option (or cowards option-not sure) and made up an excuse. She wasn't that happy, but no doubt would have been worse if I had told her what I was really thinking.

themoon666 Mon 20-Oct-08 12:46:21

So where were they the first time? Had they gone away and not told you?

mabel1973 Mon 20-Oct-08 12:56:06

themoon - no they were fast asleep tucked up in bed, just could not rouse them ringing the phone or banging on the door, and DH could not get in, because they'd double locked the door.

So obviously it could happen again, although they have told me (numerous times) that will not put the chain on or double lock it again!

Bubbaluv Mon 20-Oct-08 13:28:00

Also, if they sleep that deeply they would never hear your children crying if they needed help during the night.

themoon666 Mon 20-Oct-08 13:37:47

shock

How the hell does anyone sleep through mobile phones, landlines and someone banging on the door???

Agree with Bubba... what if your DSs wake in the night. A child softly crying because of a nightmare or something won't stand a cat in hells chance of being heard

Am shocked.

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