Well? Am i? (Warning: woman on the edge here)(140 Posts)
So yesterday I got some child-free time to go into town and do some shopping and have lunch with some friends. I don't get to do this very often, and it was in a direct trade-off with dh's free time that he had on Saturday (a whole day to go off on a jolly into London while I looked after an increasingly stroppy ds).
When I got back, the house looked like a bomb had hit it, but I can cope with that! Dh and ds were both having a nap upstairs - a nap which turned out to be 3 hours long and meant that ds was a nightmare to get to bed in the evening - but hey, i don't even deal with bedtime, that's dh's part and I can deal with that.
Dh had done a couple of loads of washing and drying while I was out for which I was very grateful, but when we got up this morning (both needing to get to work, ds needing to be taken to nursery) i walked into our spare room where we keep the clean washing, to find a massive pile of crumpled laundry on the floor.
Previously, there had been a vague system of a pile of stuff that needed ironing, and then on the bed, folded (and the key word here is folded) piles, sorted into three for me, dh and ds. Now there is just a tangle of clean, crumpled clothes on the floor (so half of it will need washing again) - I felt like a woman in a disaster relief movie picking through the rubble trying to find some clothes for ds to wear to nursery!
So I go downstairs to get ds dressed, and look in his change bag for a nappy. There are none.
"What are you looking for?" says dh
"A nappy," says I. "There are none. The cupboard appears to be bare. Why did you not tell me you had used the last nappy and I could have got some more."
"You are always telling me we have loads of nappies," says dh.
"They are in the fucking car," says I. "Had you told me that you had used the last one, I could have brought some in with me."
Ds by this time is screaming in the sofa, stripped to his (very wet) nappy and naked, so I can't exactly run out to the car and get them. Dh is running about 10 minutes behind, I am coming to the slow realisation that rather than going back to bed after dropping ds off at nursery like I had planned (I don't start work till 10) I'm going to have to spend the morning when I should be sleeping sorting the fucking washing out.
Why does he do this? It's like he's punishing me for having time off. Obviously I'm pleased he did the laundry, but he makes everything so fucking hard, now not only will I have to fold everything, some of it will need ironing when it wouldn't have needed it previously because it had been tumbledried - and if it had been folded/hung up straight away it would have been fine.
I know he's stressed with work, but guess what? So am i! He's not the only person who has to combine work and family and life and children. He just drifts through life expecting everyone to pick up after him and then seems surprised when i erupt into cataclysmic rage. It's making me seriously evaluate our relationship - i love him very much but this is making me ill with tiredness and stress.
Take what you and your ds need for today out of the pile and deal with that and that only. Text or call your dh and tell him - calmly, don't shout at him! - that he needs to sort the rest of the laundry out when he comes home. Non-negotiable.
The more you do it the less he will see the need to even try.
Go to bed - the world wont end if the washing stays on the floor
Your dh did laundry when you were having a day in town AND he managed to look after the kids?
hugs. I feel your pain. You lucky sod.
yabu, with regards to the washing. BUT it seems yabu for reasons that are mounting up. you sound drained, saddened and as tho your relaitonship needs some serious attending too.
You sound very stressed and upset.
Leave the ironing until tonight, and ask DH to help too.
FWIW, it doesn't sound like he's punishing you for having time away with your friends.
He did the laundry - be happy! Thats all I am saying. Be grateful for the little things.
I don't think he's punishing you - I think it just sounds like useless "blokey" type behaviour.
I agree though - go back to bed and ask him to sort it out later.
yanbu - you are bloody knackered. i sympathise. if hubby had just taken twenty mins to put laundry in proper place you wouldn't have to do it all again. it's " a stitch in time saves nine"......i know you must be so angry right now...try to calm down before you speak to him. i have v similar situation, if dh looks after dc he can't possibly do any housework on same day
i found writing him a letter stating how his actions made feel helped as any 'talking' just blew into fights every time. maybe that would help if you feel you can't get through to him?
Did he fook edam.
The thing is, I need to find some clothes for me for work. And in order to do that, the quickest way ould be to sort it, rather than picking through it IYSWIM.
Sorry but I think this is a bit of an over reaction, although I don't know the background so I may be missing something here. You have nappies in the car, so that's not such a big deal, you don't have to be at work til 10 so you DO have time to do whatever needs doing. OK, it's irritating the washing thing but it's not the end of the world in my book! Tell him what needs doing wrt ironing etc and leave him to do it. Let him deal with having to iron things if he didn't hang them straight!
And am I right in thinking this is 1 child and you work pt? In which case, hey, it should be a piece of piss <www, who works ft oth, legs it>,
But I think there's clearly a lot morle to it than this one incident so feel free to tell me to fk off!
(and I am also a woman on the edge but for different reasons!)
Oh sweetie, I'm sorry it's so shit. Have been there, got the T shirt. OK, he's REALLY harassed by work but he does need to at least attempt to pull his weight at home.
Tell him I really, really, recommend Susan - she made me see there was an escape route when I was in a job I hated and so miserable I couldn't see any way out.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I know a bit about the history so I'll not answer in a way I would if this was a first post (in which case I'd say YABU)
YANBU to be mad at him, it's yet another thing he has done wrong, right? In effect, doing the job he did messed up the job that had already been done so created more jobs which is the last thing you needed. But it seems he has tried (to a point, I'm not one for this equal division of time, 'you have X hours on Y day and I'll have Y hours on X day' type thing)so there is a light at the end of the tunnel, he tried to do something, just didn't do it to the same standard you may have done it, which isn't his fault per se. His standards and yours are not the same, that doesn't mean either of you is wrong, just different.
Did he not have a week off recently?
YANBU and I fucking hate that in the morning if DP is 'running late' all the crap falls to me - he is relieved of parenting duties to get to work on time, but it's okay if I'm late because of whatever problem with DS.
WWW - yes we have one ds atm and i work 3 days a week OOTH but (and this is a big but IMO) the time when I'm not working is spent doing childcare, laundry, housework etc etc. So in effect I'm doing 2 part time jobs. Which is fine, I don't mind that - but if he wants to help around the house (and I obviously appreciate that he does do it IYSWIM) then it would be more help if he actually helped rather than chucking clean laundry on the floor!
I mean - what kind of moron thinks that "Hey, I have a basket of clean laundry here, I know, rather than either leaving it in the basket to be folded at a later date, or folding it myself so it doesn't need ironing, I'll just dump it all on the floor, mixing it up with the pile of stuff which already needs ironing and making it impossible to distinguish between the two!"
His excuse? Well, I can't do everything at once! I was doing the washing AND the drying AND putting it away. Err, well you don't have to wash and dry at the same time. And the washing machine doesn't need supervising. You can fold the previous load of washing while the next load is in the dryer.
I wouldn't mind if I thought that the time NOT spent doing the chores (which are fairly minor, if i'm honest - i'm not saying he has to sweep the chimneys and hoover the roof) were spent playing with ds. But I just know that yesterday will have mostly been spent sat on his arse with his laptop while ds amuses himself in front of a dvd. (Although they did go to the park for a bit apparently)
I do not think this is an overreaction at all. Time off is time off, not time that you will pay for by the next few days being much worse than they normally would.
I'm pretty shocked that there are posters on here that feel you should be so grateful that your husband is DOING SOME PARENTING that any fuckwittery (and boy has there been some lets face it) is by the by.
Partnership is difficult, and takes a lot of work. The attitude that if a father does a bit of babysitting and some household chores (badly) they need a prize and you must stop whinging is incredibly counterproductive. You need to talk to him about how passive aggressive it is to do something so badly that you aren't asked to ever do it again.
WWW - meant to add to that first paragraph that i am 5 months pg, hence the going back to bed bit is cause i'm f-ing knackered through pregnancy, not just cause i'm lazy.
I have just texted him to apologise for screaming at him (which was unreasonable, and I'm fully prepared to accept that) and he has text back to say thank you for the apology - but has no accepted any responsibility for why i was screaming at him!
Honestly! It's like living with a teenager half the bloody time. I blame MIL, personally.
(Must go and get ready for work now - my laundry time has been spent MNing instead!! )
I agree, useless blokey type behaviour! I get Saturday mornings to myself, but it almost isn't worth it because of the devastation I come down to at midday! I spend the rest of the day sorting it out!!
When I was working, my hubby would want to run out of the door because he was 5 mins late, but it was fine for me to be late, faffing around trying to pack his bag for nursery and get DS dressed.
I don't think he was being deliberately mean, just not very thoughtful. My hubby's the same!
Big hug x
Just had to share this text with all of you:
"I don't have enough room in my head for all the things that need thinking about. Shouting at me just makes it worse."
So how the fuck do I manage to have all the space for all the things that need thinking about??! God that has just made me angry all over again, just when I was calming down.
God help my poor patients today!!
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