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to want notice of guests?

(62 Posts)
HormonalHorror Sat 18-Oct-08 19:36:12

DP and I have a two-month-old baby. He had a number of provisional guests lined up for this weekend - a couple of friends he'd put off last weekend and his parents. I asked him to find out when they would be here, or suggest times to them. He said that was ridiculous and that they would most likely just phone one of the days and say they might come at a certain time - if we were in we would say OK come on over and if we were out we would say Nope we're not there. He said to phone up and say "You said you might come, can you say when that might be" would be rude and that I should learn to fall in with things more easily.

DP is a very easygoing sort of fellow and admittedly I am not. I'm prone to the blues sad and while nine times out of ten I'm happy enough to have spontaneous visitors, the tenth time might be a blue time for me and I really don't cope well with it. The other nine times I love people calling in, I'm sociable, I love to see them.

We've clashed about this before, e.g. the day I came home wiht the new baby his sister came over about an hour after I got home. I was bleeding really heavily and just not really on form to receive her. Another sister came to my hospital room one night (I only had my mum visiting, the baby was in intensive care). Another time a sister and his mum came and I was really really tired and he was cross, saying I hadn't made enough effort.

Well sorry to bore but the bottom line is that as there's been a bit of history about DP bringing people spontaneously at times which were bad for me, I've got a bit over-neurotic and now want him to pre-arrange everything. I don't particularly want to be like this but I feel I have to protect myself.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I mad, neurotic and unwelcoming? I should add that I like his friends, I like (though am not close to) his family, and of course I love him very much.

I have changed my name for this because if there are any useful replies I want to be able to show DP this thread without him seeing my normal username and popping off to read all my pregnancy/labour posts about discharges and piles and whatever. I know all about the trollery and worse than trollery that's gone on here over the last couple of weeks.

Othersideofthechannel Sat 18-Oct-08 19:39:26

I don't think it is unreasonable considering how young your baby is and how tired you must be.

HormonalHorror Sat 18-Oct-08 19:40:54

Thanks Otherside. Are you just humouring me though? grin

scaryfucker Sat 18-Oct-08 19:41:21

For what its worth, I agree with you

I hate people to pop in unexpectedly

I like to have notice

I don't really know why, but its something to do with me "getting my sociable head on"-yes, I know but I can't explain it

I get irrationally annoyed if I am invited to participate in something at the last minute

I like to plan my own life IYKWIM

I am aware I probably miss out on a lot in life, because what is unplanned and spontaneous are oten the most special times

<sigh> I do sympathise.

ilove Sat 18-Oct-08 19:41:54

Wellllllllll.....sorry but I think you need to relax a bit...so they come...you chat, let them make you a cuppa, if they're there at mealtime send him to get takeaway...if you're feeling blue just try and let them lift the mood a little?

Othersideofthechannel Sat 18-Oct-08 19:42:00

When DCs were so young, everybody gave us notice.
Most lived a long way away so we fixed a time. Those who live nearby phoned up about 15 mins before to say is it ok to pop over now.

TheInvisibleManDidIt Sat 18-Oct-08 19:43:10

Personally I think you're not being unreasonable.

I haven't got a young baby and hate people coming around without letting me know first.

On the other hand, you can appreciate your inlaws will want to see you and your baby and may not realise the stress it's causing you by not giving you a rough time.

Could you maybe get your DP to call (or you phone yourself) and say 'We're thinking of going out today, so can you let us know when you're thinking of coming round so we can be in?'

scaryfucker Sat 18-Oct-08 19:43:21

and I am not humouring you smile

Geepers Sat 18-Oct-08 19:43:47

Yep, I think yabu, and hormonal, and slightly controlling.

I am like your husband, if I am home, people are welcome here, if I am not, they are still welcome here, but I won't be here ;)

Othersideofthechannel Sat 18-Oct-08 19:43:49

Not humouring you at all. I was quite spontaneous before DCs came along but felt I need everything planned to stay sane during the early months.

differentWitch Sat 18-Oct-08 19:44:27

It is not unreasonable to want some structure to your life, especially with a new baby.
If he does it again, can you retreat to the bedroom with a sign on the door saying you don't want to be disturbed due to not feeling well. Then he will be responsible for entertaining and explaining.

Othersideofthechannel Sat 18-Oct-08 19:45:24

But sometimes you haven't had time to have a shower before people turn up.

HormonalHorror Sat 18-Oct-08 19:45:27

I suggested that to him but he thought that would be rude.

Even I can see it is a bit unreasonable. I am supported by a scaryfucker which obviously isn't 100 per cent encouraging re. my mental health grin

scaryfucker Sat 18-Oct-08 19:45:34

I am controlling

I admit it smile

scaryfucker Sat 18-Oct-08 19:45:53

I am controlling

I admit it smile

themildmanneredjanitor Sat 18-Oct-08 19:46:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twiglett Sat 18-Oct-08 19:46:26

He is being unreasonable.

You don't give people an open invitation if your partner is uncomfortable with that type of hospitality.

And you don't expect a woman with a baby under a year to be 'hospitable'.

He needs to adjust his perceptions so that he gives you a break I think.

I personally love a dropping in guest, but that's the way I'm built and I appreciate that other people aren't built that way.

scaryfucker Sat 18-Oct-08 19:46:39

so controlling, I have to tell you twice !

misshardbroom Sat 18-Oct-08 19:47:05

YANBU. It's really early days with your baby and it's reasonable that you should want to know when to expect people so that you can plan accordingly. Some people thrive on that 'unexpected guests - chuck another potato in the pan' attitude, but I'm really not one of them and it sounds as though neither are you.

Also, I do think that men sometimes Just Don't Get It regarding how totally knackered and not yourself you can feel in the first few weeks after a birth.

Can you talk to him and explain how if you know people are coming you can get your 'face' on and be welcoming and a lot more fun than if you're caught on the back foot?

I really sympathise, it's my pet hate.

onepieceoflollipop Sat 18-Oct-08 19:47:06

I do agree with you, but we have found that sometimes a compromise works.

If you have unexpected visitors, and feel a bit fragile or whatever feel free to go upstairs as soon as the doorbell goes. If you have a young baby then no one should take offence if you go off for a rest. If the unexpected visitor turns out to be someone you feel comfortable with, then they can pop upstairs, or you could pop down.

I wish that I loved the spontaneity of people popping in, but I don't and ime you do have to find a way of politely dealing with it if it is likely to happen. (otherwise you risk offending your inlaws and believe me that is Bad!)

HormonalHorror Sat 18-Oct-08 19:48:31

Normally I do like people dropping in. I don't know what's happened to me blush. Just at the moment I feel vulnerable and ill-equipped. I can put my rational hat on, but don't feel rational. I am confusing myself.

HormonalHorror Sat 18-Oct-08 19:50:41

I did say I might show him this thread - could one of you not have written "YANBU, and he should be giving you a full body massage and a nice cup of tea instead of losing his temper with you"????

Othersideofthechannel Sat 18-Oct-08 19:51:55

I think it is rude of friends to assume they can just turn up and expect to see everyone when there is a newborn baby in the house.

But the rudest I have come across is the friends who live 10 mins away who said they would come at 10am (the weekend the clocks went forward so it was 9am body time) then turned up an hour late. DS was having a growth spurt and had fed loads in the night and I forfeited my lie in and then they were a whole hour late! I was furious! (Perhaps that explains my perspective!)

Othersideofthechannel Sat 18-Oct-08 19:52:45

YANBU, and he should be giving you a full body massage and a nice cup of tea instead of losing his temper with you

differentWitch Sat 18-Oct-08 19:53:03

YOur baby is only a few weeks old, was a bit poorly to start with - so you've had a fair bit of stress to deal with already so you aren't unreasonable to want to know what is happening.

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