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To find it hard to keep me trap shut?

(5 Posts)
Flossish Mon 13-Oct-08 14:06:15

I've long had a difficult relationship with MIL.

Last year SIL met a lovely chap who obviously fell very much in love with SIL, took her and her DS away to euro disney and basically took her DS on as his own really quite quickly. He has been a brillant loving father figure to him. SIL became pregnant within only a few months of them being together (she seems to follow a pattern TBH). He was wonderfully supportive, and she kept the baby but fell out with MIL. We all felt this was because SIL did not do as MIL wanted (an abortion) and MIL needs to be in control.

Anyway, that all resolved itself within a couple of weeks or so and baby is now 8 months old. They got engaged last xmas and I've just recently posted about having probs with SIL cause we couldn't afford the wedding.

Well last week they split up. He's been thrown out. SIl still apparently not speaking to me so no reply to my 'are you ok' text. He meanwhile is posting on her FB that he loves her, changing his profile pics to pics of them together, and has created a group saying how much he loves her and that they should be together. sad

After a lot of soul searching I sent him a message (with DP backing) at how sorry we were for how things were and that although we didn't know the reason for the split we always liked him very much and hoped that things would work out the way he hoped.

He replied today. Turns out it seems to be much to do with MIL, SIL saying she loves him, then changing her mind, won't tell him what he has done wrong. Apparently MIL has been texting him nasty messages.

Now I know we aren't privvy to all information but this man is potty about SIL, a very loving father, provides for the family, he's only just recently got a new job for more money. He's spent all his savings (inheritance) on things for baby, engagement and although he doesn't drive, funded SIL all the way through her lessons and several tests. He's given and done so much and does not deserve to be treated this way.

he believes, and I'm certain it is true, that MIL has been poisoning SIl against him. MIL is a very bitter unhappy lady who seems to feel the need to be in control of SIL. I'd love to give her a piece of my mind but it would make no odds. I'd love to shake SIL and make her see what she is throwing away. How many 23 yr old men are prepared to take on a 3 yr old child? And to do so with so much love?

he really is a genuinely lovely chap. This is the second relationship MIL has deemed unsuitable, she admitted to me she was trying to stop SIL being with nephews father and did all in her power to break relationship up, successfully. Nephew now has nothing to do with father.

I don't even know if what I'm posting makes sense or sounds shite but I'm so sad that this relationship which was so good for SIL is being thrown away. Of course it could be that she genuinely does not love him. But I'm really too sure that someone is trying to convince her she does not love him. Poor chap.

BlueBumedFly Mon 13-Oct-08 19:54:01

You are right when you say the you are not privvy to all the information. SIL must have a reason if her ex-partner is putting up with nasty messages from MIL.

Did you fall out about the wedding or were you still on speaking terms before the break-up? Could she have gotten wind that you have spoken to him?

I would try to contact her again, saying that you care for her and your nephew and you are around if she wants to talk. There is no way you can properly approach her by email or text or FB, much better perhaps if you buy a nice card and write her a heartfelt message.

This is a grown women we are talking about who can make her own choices so it would seem there maybe more to this than meets the eye. If she does agree to meet/talk you are only going to get her confidence then I would resist going down the 'what are you doing?' route, you really need to go down the 'I know you have your reasons and am sure they are really good reasons for the break-up as I know you would not do this lightly but do you want to talk about it' route.

I hope you get to talk to her and get to understand where she is coming from.

tessofthedurbervilles Mon 13-Oct-08 20:07:22

Maybe you should stay well out of it? I am assuming that the sil is an adult and you cannot dictate her relationship with the mil. People will live their own lives as they see fit, you can advise but you cannot always make people see the same picture that you do. You might see the mil for what she is but I would avoid labouring this point with the sil.....

Flossish Tue 14-Oct-08 08:31:00

I've spoken to her now, last night before blueBF and tess (god I loved that BBC adaptation!!) posted. It was via FB and I did take your approach Blue. She say she has tried to tell him about the problems before but nothing has changed. Pointed out that perhaps it would not (!!) but she says her mind is made up. I did say I was be supportive.

TBH I think the reason I'm so upset over this is coming from a broken family. I found it very painful. This is a family of two children, one of whom has now had two dad, and a daughter who has also lost her father. Her family and his are still together.

I dunno. I just feel that she should be working harder at it. We all no that relationships require a lot of work at times, she doesn't seem to do this and just gives up on them instead. sad

I was saying to DP last night, before I met him I had a few month long relationship and 3 18 month - 2 year relationships. By this time for me at least it seems to come to a point where I decide he wasn't the right man/ he does me and we split up. Difference with SIL is her first one of these was when she was 18 and she had a baby at 19 and now baby number 2 at 22 and two failed relationships at 23. For whatever reason, babies and commitment (living together etc) come too quickly in her relationships. sad

KatieDD Tue 14-Oct-08 08:57:00

She's desperate for love that's why the babies come too quickly, she wants everything you describe but is giving up at the first sign of trouble because your MIL encourages to do so.
I hope this young man hangs on for dear life to his relationship with his child because he has legal rights and nothing your MIL does can take those away.
I would be emailing him telling him you are 100% behind him in that department and maybe when your SIL sees that she cannot just walk away and never see this man again due to the child she might give him another chance.

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