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To have no sympathy for DP cos he's fat?

(99 Posts)
LetterBomb Sat 11-Oct-08 12:00:57

I am sick to death of DP whinging on about his weight. He's 6.2" and when I first met him he weighed 17stone. He used to go on about his weight then:

"Oh I'm so fat" "I'm such a fat bastard" "don't know how I managed to get someone like you, as I'm so fat and ugly" etc and I would always reply with the standard:

"You're not fat" "don't be stupid" "you are who you are" etc etc...

Then he decided to try and lose weight... however he never tried at all, just kept saying he would 'at some point' try to lose weight.

But as his weight crept up, I kept on supporting him, showed him healthy recipes, tried to put him off buying crap but he would never listen and always make stupid excuses. Now he's 19 stone and still eats like a pig (when we go to subway for instance he gets a foot long sandwich with extra cheese and extra bacon, an XL coke, a packet of crisps and a cookie....McDonalds will be an XL king size meal, usually with a standard burger as a starter).

Last week we bought one of those big bars of dairy milk each, idea was that we'd sit and watch a movie with them that night. So we got home, I told him that I was about to put tea on (this was a hint NOT to eat anything but IMO I shouldn't need to say this, its bloody common sense not to pig out half an hour before tea is served). I went in the kitchen, put some spag bol on (wholemeal pasta, low fat bolognese...trying to help him) and when I went back in the living room he'd litrally eaten HALF of the big bar of dairy milk. He didn't see anything wrong with it.

This morning he tried to put some jeans on and they wouldn't fasten and so he stood there saying "Oh, I'm such a fat bastard..." and I turned around and said "well, you know WHY you're putting weight on, it's not rocket science is it?" so he got all moody and said "oh so you DO think I'm putting weight on? thanks!" and so I lost it and told him he eats like a pig and yes he is fat and greedy.

Sympathy has COMPLETELY ran out.

Acinonyx Sat 11-Oct-08 12:06:11

''Last week we bought one of those big bars of dairy milk each''

Would it raelly have been OK if he just ate it after dinner instead of before?

His attitude would drive me bananas too - but what are you doing to help improve his diet? Eating chocolate in front of the TV then yelling at him about being fat - something of a mixed message there I think.

Shitehawk Sat 11-Oct-08 12:11:17

Yes, you're being unreasonable. Maybe only a bit, but unreasonable nontheless.

If you didn't want him to eat the big bar of chocolate, you shouldn't have bought it. Doesn't matter when he ate it, before or after tea - you both intended to sit and eat it at some point that evening. If you don't want him eating it, don't buy it. And don't sit eating chocolate in front of him yourself, and then make him feel guilty for joining you.

Sounds as if he has low self-esteem - and you won't have helped matters by calling him names. He already knows he's fat and greedy but he needs reassurance that you love him all the same, and will support him.

Can you go on a diet together? Even if you don't have much weight to lose, a sensible eating plan will do you both good.

LackaDAISYcal Sat 11-Oct-08 12:12:04

yes you are being unreasonable. you should be helping out with something that has obviously been a problem all his life, not buying bloody mega bars of chocolate and shouting at him that he's fat and greedy.

If a bloke posted something like this he would be flamed and you should be too imo.

NotDoingTheHousework Sat 11-Oct-08 12:18:30

Message withdrawn

Upwind Sat 11-Oct-08 12:21:41

I hate advertising for somebody - especially when it is only common sense - but my DH was just like yours and has only stopped gaining weight and lost some when he read Paul McKenna's weightloss book.

It is stuff that people without a weight problem already understand - and probably most women too. But my DH learned for the first time how to stop eating when he was full - previously he always cleared his plate and what was left on mine. He learned that he did not need to over-eat just in case of being hungry later since he could get a snack later if he wanted one. All stuff he shouldn't have needed to get from a book but he did. It is not a diet, there is nothing he can't eat.

His weightloss has not been dramatic, but he can now wear clothes that were too tight and feels better about himself. I am just happy his weight has stopped going up because he had become obese. I don't know if this will help you though, because my DH saw the book himself and bought it. If I had bought it for him and pressured him to read it and follow the advice it might not have worked so well.

Nighbynight Sat 11-Oct-08 12:23:06

YAB a bit U, sorry!
I agree with NDTH's rules. your dp obviously needs a bit more help, as he is finding it hard in teh current situation to lose weight.

Upwind Sat 11-Oct-08 12:23:17

Also - if you like big bars of chocolate, switch to dark chocolate, with raisins and nuts until you get used to it. It is so rich you eat it more slowly and is not fattening compared to milk chocolate. Once you acquire a taste for it there is no going back.

kormAaaarrrggghhhchameleon Sat 11-Oct-08 12:25:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Niecie Sat 11-Oct-08 12:30:29

A little bit unreasonable but I do have some sympathy for you.

OK you both bought big bars of chocolate but had he had some after the meal (as most people would) instead of before he might well have eaten less and saved some for another day.

He doesn't have to over-order at Subway or McD's - he is a grown up and can surely regulate his own food intake. You are not his mother, you shouldn't have to tell him this stuff.

And, regardless of what you are doing, the only person who can make him lose weight is him. He has to take himself in hand. I bet if you didn't buy this stuff together he would go and buy it anyway when you weren't around. He has to want to eat sensibly.

I can understand how you have got fed up of trying to be 'kind' and not state the obvious that he is putting on weight but he hasn't responded to that approach for the last few years so maybe it is time to be truthful, to try to avoid name calling but to tell it like it is.

He may well have low self-esteem but it isn't going to get better by pretending that he doesn't need to change and pretending that the weight gain doesn't matter when it does.

Niecie Sat 11-Oct-08 12:34:23

To turn this round the other way, if a bloke tried to tell his wife what to eat and did all the food shopping we would call him controlling and tell her to be careful and that he should love her like she is and not try and tell her how she should be.

Why do most of you expect Letterbomb to regulate her DH's food for him and to tell him where he should and shouldn't eat?

He is a grown-up and should be doing this for himself. No diet in the world is going to work if he doesn't want to do it!

googgly Sat 11-Oct-08 12:36:14

yabu. Don't eat in front of the TV. Don't go to Subway or McDs. Make a lot of salad for meals with small amounts of carbs and protein. Buy lots and lots of fruit and veg and don't buy any junk food at all. Take up a sporty activity together - even if it's just going out for walks at the weekend. Make him an appointment with GP for some medical back up and get him a cholesterol test to see how his cardiovascular system is bearing up. Being fat is very unhealthy apart from anything else.

Upwind Sat 11-Oct-08 12:38:26

Exactly Niecie - the OP is in a difficult postion and her DH is certainly responsible for himself and his own weight. Sounds like she is willing to support him in losing that weight, but listening to him whinge about it while doing nothing to make things better is just frustrating.

LetterBomb Sat 11-Oct-08 12:46:13

I don't need to lose ANY weight at all. I am very happy with my size.

I wasn't bothered about him losing weight either although he is obviously obese and unhealthy but I would never have made an issue out of it if he hadn't done so himself.

I know McDonalds and Subway isn't the healthiest choice but what am I supposed to do when we're in town and he says "I fancy a burger, lets stop off in McDonalds"....I say "no, not a great idea" so he goes in a major strop and says "fine! whatever! I'll just starve then" blah blah fooking blah....until eventually when I do not back down he says "Where shall I meet you? I'm going for a burger.."

Of course, it doesn't help that he's a complete lazy bastard either. God forbid we go anywhere NOT in the car....he went in a major strop the other day because I refused to drive from the cinema to the train station...a 10 minute walk. I would have actually taken LONGER in car because it was the town centre, traffic was terrible and I would not have been able to find a parking space.

I just have no patience for people that will not help themselves.

Shitehawk Sat 11-Oct-08 12:46:36

WE go to Subway, WE go to McDonalds, WE bought one of those big bars of chocolate.

If Letterbomb's dh were going out on his own and eating that crap on top of eating healthily at home then maybe there would be more sympathy for her. But she is complicit in his over-eating - she's there with him when eating foot-long Subway sandwiches, she's there when the big bars of chocolate are being bought. So it's a bit rich to yell at him for putting on weight when it sounds as if she is so complicit in it. You don't put someone off buying and eating crap by going to McDs with him!

It sounds as if takeaways and fast food are a big part of BOTH diets - and that is no good for either waist line or bank balance. Cooking healthy pasta at home doesn't negate the effects of the junk which they are BOTH eating.

Shitehawk Sat 11-Oct-08 12:47:46

Why are you with him, Letterbomb?

You don't seem to like him very much in any respect.

LetterBomb Sat 11-Oct-08 12:50:26

Googgly, I already do a lot of sports. I do karate twice a week, he won't do that as he reckons its girly.

I go swimming, he won't do that as he 'feels self concious'.

I suggested we go and play tennis together...the session started at 10am, he wouldn't get out of bed.

When I do buy fruit he eats it all. I bought a pack of 12 apples a few weeks ago. As soon as he saw them he ate 2, then another one half an hour later, then another one after tea, then another one before he went to started a row with DS who said DP was being greedy and selfish.

If I buy veg, he refuses to eat it. He blamed me for him getting diareah (sp?) ... I asked "how on earth is it my fault??" so he said "its what you feed me". its what I FEED HIM? he's not a bloody baby...he was referring to the wholemeal pasta and bread which I use.

Mumi Sat 11-Oct-08 12:53:13

You first denied he was fat when he was, then when he put on more weight your reply sounded sarcastic and angry - straight from one extreme to the other. So yes, in that, YANBU. Be honest, but be fair.

By all means don't cook him anything fatty but at the same time be wary of falling into taking over his responsibility - and also the blame if he doesn't lose weight. Replacing the film with a gym session together whenver feasible wouldn't hurt though.

darkpunk Sat 11-Oct-08 12:53:47 are being a little bit unreasonable...but i can see where you're coming from...i find fat men sexually repulsive.

LetterBomb Sat 11-Oct-08 12:54:22

We did join a gym together, he went 3 times and then quit.

Plonker Sat 11-Oct-08 12:55:31

Sounds like you need to take a good hard look at your relationship tbh.

You don't sound happy at all ...and i suspect that neither is he sad

LetterBomb Sat 11-Oct-08 12:57:18

I know it sounds like a hate him, at this precise moment, I maybe do but thats because of the row that all this has caused. I'm sick to death of

a) having to listen to him whinge
b) having to take responsibilty for his food and lifestyle.

Acinonyx Sat 11-Oct-08 13:00:52

''a) having to listen to him whinge
b) having to take responsibilty for his food and lifestyle. ''

I'd find that unbearable TBH. I take it he has some other redeeming features that have kept you together until now.

Quattrocento Sat 11-Oct-08 13:04:12

What NDTHW said - what is all this fast food thing? Cut it out COMPLETELY.

missyhissey Sat 11-Oct-08 13:07:04

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all letterbomb. He sounds like a spoilt child to me, stuffing his face with junk food then whinging about being fat and trying to blame you. He needs to realise that what he puts in his mouth will have a direct result on his body and start taking responsibility for his own food intake. You're not his mother, you can't do it for him.

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