Not sure: Is she taking the piss?

[exasperatedmummy]

I have become "friends" with a woman i met at M&T, her son is going to be at the same playschool as DD. Went round for a cup of tea this morning after she asked me round yesterday. I had only been there five minutes when she said, Oh, sorry, we have to go out in half an hour -ok, no problem. Turns out she was taking her DS to another lads house to play and have coffee with the mum - still no problem, i was quite releived as i didn't want to spend too long there as i have lots to do today. What is sort of eating me is two things really: Firstly, she seems to be involved with a lot of the mums at M&T and i feel a bit of an outsider. She is quite middle class and im very much not, so my expectations and lifestyle is quite different. So, ok, no problem, but not the foundations for a close friendship. I have been having these thoguhts for a bit, don't get me wrong, i like her, but just never quite "gel" if you see what i mean. Today she asked if i would have her eldest son for her while she took her baby swimming lessons. This is for an hour after playschool, so i can pick them both up, My DD and her DS.

I just get the feeling i could be letting myself in for being taken advantage of. Like she is almost cultivating the friendship so that i can pick her lad up. Yes, i know she could return the favour but anyway. I have been in a friendship like this before. My friend would ring me up and say "oh, what are you doing such and such day" i would reply nothing, thinking oh good, a night out etc - "Will you babysit, my FOUR boys" This was when DD1 was small - so now im sensitive about it.

I have another friend who i met at a different group and we are more alike. I would be quite happy if it were her and im not sure why really.

I don't mind looking after peoples children, but i certainly dont want to have to commit to anything and as i say, im not sure about this womans motives for the friendship. I would quite happily be told that i am being unreasonable, and feel happy to babysit if you knwo what i mean - im not very good at the whole friendship thing, i take a long time to make friends and will do anything for my friends really, but im unsure of this person, but not sure why.

[JuneBugJen]

Bit odd asking you over in the morning and then making it 30 mins only!

For this alone I think she is taking the piss a bit. I have alot of friends who overschedule and it gets on my wick.

Stick with the friend you like more and gently disengage from this one. Either the chemistry is there or its not and it doesnt sound like its there.

[forevercleaning]

You could do it as a 'one off' but as soon as she asks a second time then say, oh sorry, I dont mind helping on the odd occasion, but I have other commitments, and cannot be relied upon for helping out.

Then you can keep the friendship but she knows where she stands.

Spend more time with your other friend if you prefer her company. You dont have to be forced to get together with anyone just because your dc are friends.

Keep it superficial then everyone is happy

[soultaken]

If she has only just met you and she's asking you for help then I agreee she sounds like a user.

Are her son and your ds friends? If they are friends then by all means invite her son round to play - when it is convenient for you to do so.

[cocoleBOO]

Don't try to force a friendship that isn't there. If you have a bad feeling about her I'd say you're probably right about her.

If she asks just say "No sorry I can't." She'll just have to take her baby swimming at a different time.

[cocoleBOO]

Blimey you all type quicker than me Excuse x-posts.

[mel1981]

sounds like she might be trying to take advantage...but would she return the favour for you if you asked her to babysit?
I agree with junebugjen I wouldnt invite my ds's friends over then say it can only be for 30mins, if she was pushed for time she should of rearranged. Just sounds a bit odd to me. And I agree with forevercleaning make it clear ASAP that if you babysit it will be a one off.
I have a mate who used to invite herself and kids to mine, which I didnt mind so much but it was just to pass time til she had to be somewhere else or to make life easier for her rather than go home. Then she'd sit her on her phone while I played and looked after her kids. I started to distance myself and I think she realised or found someone else to do it too.

[Sanctuary]

You don`t invite someone round and tell them they only have 30mins of your time cos your going for coffee elsewhere.That would really pissme off

I do think she might be using you.

I would pick up her Ds if it suited me this time but would monitor it.If she asked you again next week THEN say no

[FlirtyThirty]

Go with your instinct. Friendships in my experience cannot be forced...they evolve or not. If you are happy to look after her child this time, then do...but regardless of your plans, be sure to be 'busy' next time. She may just realise you're not a guaranteed 'sitter for her convenience.

Oh, and for what it's worth...I think it's very odd inviting you round and then saying she had to go out in 30mins...

[alicet]

I too think it's odd to invite you round for 30 mins unless you were very late? An hour maybe at a push but if I was inviting someone round for less than this (and I have before for specific reasons) I have always told the person concerned beforehand so that if they would rather do it another time / not be rushed then they could choose not to come

[JuneBugJen]

Were you late? Alicet has a point.

[MascaraOHara]

I would be pissed off in someone invited me over and gave me a timelimit lol.. when I invite people over I make sure I am free for at least 3hours after so that if I do have to go out it's after a long while.

If people come round to mine they normally end up staying for the rest of the day lol

[porkypoo]

You sound like a lovely person, don't be taken advantage of by her. Definately distance yourself. You don't need to be horrible, just pretend to be busy all the time! I have had friends like this in the past. I used to take my one friends kiddies to school every Friday for 2 years and now they are at secondary school I never hear from her!!

[toodles]

I also agree that she may be trying to use you.

[exasperatedmummy]

To be fair, i was there for about an hour, was about 10 minutes late because DD decided to have "i can't walkitis" on the way there. Saying that, her friend phoned while i was there and she was on the phone for about 15 minutes which i thought was a bit rude as i didn;t really know where to sit etc. I think im going more on gut feeling than anything else. I think she was actually asking that i pick up for nursery twice a week and have him for an hour, well that was what i assumed. I wouldnt have minded if it were a one off as we all need a babysitter from time to time.

I feel a bit upset about it really, which is weird, its not that big a deal but i do have self esteem issues. Am i reading too much into it, am i being a bit crap? I am going to feel really awkward at nursery now.

[exasperatedmummy]

I should also say that i have been round to hers a few times, always her inviting me as i have never asked her round to my house as it is a bit of a state. Hers is lovely and i get the feeling she would care! My other friend is quite happy to climb over piles of stuff.

I don't want to miss out on a potential friendship, but it just doesn't feel "easy" if you know what i mean.

[WilyWombat]

Your description of her sounds just like the mum of a child DS1 was friends with - I didnt even bother trying to be friends with her and luckily DS moved on to new friends whose parents I do click with. We just give each other really superficial hellos if we see each other now - well actually if she cant find a way of ignoring me she greets me like a long lost friend, I think her preference is to ignore me.

Other people seem to find me quite amusing/pleasant & dont avoid me - I know she comes across as superior to other people so its her problem!

Maybe her friend was having some kind of personal trauma but she sounds very rude to me, I know its hard but try not to take it personally.

[Ripeberry]

Always trust your instincts! If you don't feel comfortable with this person just say that you have other plans. She will leave you alone soon enough.
I've had this kind of thing myself. Met a mother at a baby group and it turned out she was running the group and over the course of a few months it felt like she was "grooming" me to take over!
But she was never an actual friend and i soon went off her totally when i found out she hated ALL animals, was "intolerant" to lots of foods, not allergic mind you.
And kept going on and on about her child's development when he was perfectly OK.
She never seemed to "gel" either.

[exasperatedmummy]

Ah ripeberry, im always intrinsicly (sp) of people who don't like animals, im very much a love me, love my dog type of girl

[barnsleybelle]

Go with your instincts i would say...

Inviting you round for 30mins only is very rude and not on in my book.

[alicet]

So the friend who she kicked you out to go and have coffee with called her for 1 mins hwile you were there? Presumably to arrange coffee? Then she asks you to have her ds for 2 afternoons a week?

Def taking the piss.

Of course there could be a different spin on it... but struggling to find it...

[exasperatedmummy]

alicet, not sure it was the same friend, i did find it strange that she bothered to invite me round if she already had plans. ANyway, i shall not lose sleep over it and wallow in my YANBU response

[lalalonglegs]

Do you think you might be over-analysing this? There doesn't seem to have been any pattern built up yet and a lot of your concerns seem to be based on class which I find odd. If you like her, help her out on this occasion, if you don't, then make an excuse.

[exasperatedmummy]

If it were a one off it woudlnt be a problem, i just don't want to have to comit to having her son for a couple of hours, twice a week.

[TheBlonde]

she is taking the piss

[lalalonglegs]

But she hasn't asked you to from what I can see. She hasn't done anything to make you think she will ask you again. Do agree that talking on the phone for ages while you are there and then telling you she has to go out is a bit off but maybe the person she was talking to was having some sort of crisis.