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AIBU?

A sil issue

32 replies

cupsoftea · 08/10/2008 23:05

My sil & her two kids ages 16&8 will be visiting us soon. She has told dh she'll be going to a school reunion. I asked dh if we'll be looking after her 8yr whilst she's away for a day & evening. Her eldest is 16 so he can do his own thing.

Dh said she hadn't mentioned anything about her kids. How can she have decided what she's doing but not have a plan for her kids? She's dumped her kids on us on holiday but this was at her parents house so not my place but I wont let her do this in my home.

Spoke to dh & he thinks it reasonable not to have thought yet of what to do with her kids

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cupsoftea · 08/10/2008 23:19

sounds like nothing I know - but it's annoying to me. When she visits she asks me nothing about myself & just sits & reads or watches tv. Never plays with her youngest ds - just tells him to not get his trousers dirty which is impossible in our garden (she knows this) & complains when we don't have wellies in his size that aren't pink.

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mazzystartled · 08/10/2008 23:42

hmm well, does she not really have much other support/partner?

whilst she sounds irritating, I don't think its unreasonable for her to leave her kids with their aunt and uncle once in a while, though of course it would be nice if she asked

you could maybe just offer to have the 8 year old, get the plan in place and resolve to not let it bug you

cupsoftea · 08/10/2008 23:46

mazzy - what you write is reasonable. Would be thoughtful of her to just say I'll be leaving ds with you - is that ok. Different approaches I suppose

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susia · 08/10/2008 23:53

think I'd say 'You're very welcome to stay, we're looking forward to having you. We may be out from 10-12 (or whatever) but will be back later' so she has to make arrangements.

cupsoftea · 09/10/2008 00:04

dh will be out at the sports centre in the morning with our eldest three - he could take sil ds (but not both of her ds)& he will go out in the afternoon as well on that day.

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susia · 09/10/2008 00:26

well I would arrange for you to do something at that time as well if she doesn't ask you to look after her 8 year old. If she does, then I would say yes. But if she doesnt she shouldnt assume you will look after him so I would arrange to do something else.

susia · 09/10/2008 00:28

having said that - my suggestion is not very charitable. Maybe I'd just ask her what her plans were for the kids and maybe she plans that the 16year old will look after the 8 year old. Maybe you should just offer.

TheCelestialTeapot · 09/10/2008 00:32

Why not just offer?

alphabetsoup · 09/10/2008 09:09

A bit discourteous not to ask you but maybe she has already planned for her 16yo to look after the 8yo ? (I have a 15yo + a 9y0 + 2 others - would be happy for 15yo to look after 9yo tbh).

cupsoftea · 09/10/2008 09:51

long background story of sil swanning off & leaving her kids. Once she left her kids (one was 4yrs at the time) at her parents house for the whole summer & it would be us looking after them for 3 weeks - I had a newborn, & 2yr old & a 5yr old at the time. Was really hard work - she never said anything - as ignores me anyway - and never said thanks or even asked how it was.

Many similiar stories...anyhow just feel that she thinks that she can treat me like sh*t on her turf but I say not in my own house. HAve said as much to dh - and will see if he asks her what she intends to do. This morning he said thzt she probably hasn't thought about what she'll do with her kids & I said how is this possible. If I arranged to go to a school reunion day & dinner my first thought would be what to do with my kids.

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NewspiritsFromOldghosts · 09/10/2008 10:26

I thought the whole kids at parents for the summer was only fairly recent? I'm sure i saw that thread and i've only been here a year?

In any case, surely SIL sons are your nephews? In which case enjoy spending a little time with them and be thankful that your SIL will be out and not sitting around reading etc making you feel uncomfortable.

cory · 09/10/2008 10:37

cupsoftea on Thu 09-Oct-08 09:51:36
" If I arranged to go to a school reunion day & dinner my first thought would be what to do with my kids."

If you had a 16yo, you might feel differently about it. Certainly, I wouldn't feel obliged to provide any childcare if I had an available 16yo to babysit. (though I admit your sil sounds irritating)

cupsoftea · 09/10/2008 10:42

but would be babysitting at our home - he might want to go out & I'm not happy with leaving her ds by himself here. The incident I refer to was from a few years ago but happens every year. The worst time was when her son was 4yrs. This time he was 8 & so we just had to be careful he didn't go to the pool with out us being able to supervise.

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cupsoftea · 09/10/2008 10:47

in fact her ds16yrs - might just go out even though he'll have been told to stay with her ds. We have loads on on a saturday and will cancel to help her out but it just annoys me to not have a word from her on this. It will be nice for our kids to spend time with her kids & it will be me that sees that her ds age 8 doesn't just sit in front of tv games all day and actually goes into the garden. rant rant rant...

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LilRedWG · 09/10/2008 10:50

It may be that her children are going with her. Stranger things have happened.

scaryteacher · 09/10/2008 10:53

Don't leave it to dh to ask; mine is currently avoiding talking to his mum about her request to come for Christmas; talk to her yourself.

It is your turf; tell her that you need to know what arrangements will be in place to look after the 8 year old, as you have plans of your own. You will also need to make it plain to the 16yo if he goes out that there is a curfew.

It is the height of discourtesy to invite yourself to stay (or have you just had it foisted on you by dh), and then have it assumed that you will do her childcare for her. You could always tell her to find a hotel - Travelodge aren't too expensive.

You have no obligation to look after your sil's children; in fact, no obligation to like them either. They are not yours after all.

scaryteacher · 09/10/2008 10:55

Don't leave it to dh to ask; mine is currently avoiding talking to his mum about her request to come for Christmas; talk to her yourself.

It is your turf; tell her that you need to know what arrangements will be in place to look after the 8 year old, as you have plans of your own. You will also need to make it plain to the 16yo if he goes out that there is a curfew.

It is the height of discourtesy to invite yourself to stay (or have you just had it foisted on you by dh), and then have it assumed that you will do her childcare for her. You could always tell her to find a hotel - Travelodge aren't too expensive.

You have no obligation to look after your sil's children; in fact, no obligation to like them either. They are not yours after all.

mazzystartled · 09/10/2008 11:52

of course you have no obligation to look after them, but maybe your dh, as their uncle feels like it might be an ok thing for you to do as a family

and your kids might be pleased to see their cousins

sil sounds like a pain, but even if she makes no effort, I don't see why you should have to behave in the same way. its much better karma-wise to just offer to have the children and make a plan you will all be happy with. it also circumvents you being pissed off with her at the last minute as she drops them and flits off to her party

jawjawnotwarwar · 09/10/2008 11:56

Those poor kids! If they knew what was being written about them on the internet, they'd feel awful! Think MIL or even SIL bashing is one thing, but nephew-bashing??? It's a bit distasteful.

cupsoftea · 09/10/2008 13:33

jawjaw - don't follow you - I'm not ranting about nephews! - far from it. The oldest is 16 & he might just say yes to staying at our place to look after his brother - he looks after him a lot at his home - but his phone will ring, he'll want to do his skateboard, he'll just have other things on his mind & his little brother will want to do his own thing & the older one might not want to watch him climb trees - iyswim

st - sil & I don't call each other or email. dh is the point of contact. I do like her kids & always do my very best to ensure they have a super time when staying with us. I will tell dh to sort it out though & I will see how it goes when she's here.

The next thing is going to sil for xmas - I have said a big no!!ahhhh Hope your situation works out.

mazzy - I will change things to suit them - as is polite when guests are staying. Our kids will miss their sports & dance classes & I'll ensure dh doesn't consider going to his sports so we are here.

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takingitasitcomes · 09/10/2008 13:56

Oh for goodness' sake! You sound completely up-tight. I am sympathetic with you having a SIL you don't get on with (although from your posts I suspect you are two-faced about this and polite in person and then bitch behind her back) as we all have family we'd possibly rather not spend time with. BUT why on earth don't you just give SIL a phone-call and tell her you are trying to sort out arrangements for that weekend and ask her to fill you in on what she is planning as it wasn't clear from what your DH told you? This will give you the opportunity to be in control of the situation.

Your SIL sounds like a PITA, but it's not your job to judge her. Either help her out or don't as you wish. She's probably perfectly aware of how you look down your nose at her and that more than likely makes her not bother to reach out to you at all in a human way.

FWIW I also think it is just stupid (And inflaming the situation) to cancel your children's usual activities just because family is visiting. Family are not the same as visitors for whom you must drop everything and sit in the front room drinking tea.

cupsoftea · 09/10/2008 14:07

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cupsoftea · 10/10/2008 09:01

you deleted the wrong message here mumsnet - I just told takingitasitcomes to get lost by using a mumsnet expression. Seems very unfair that you leave the personal insults written by the above mentioned poster as they are incorrect and wrong.

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cupsoftea · 10/10/2008 09:06

"She's probably perfectly aware of how you look down your nose at her and that more than likely makes her not bother to reach out to you at all in a human way." written by takingitasitcomes - am I allowed to say what complete cr*p this poster writes - it goes beyond my op and she makes up rubbish about the situation.

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takingitasitcomes · 10/10/2008 09:34

Sorry that I upset you Cupsoftea. I agree that MN shouldn't have deleted your first reply if it was just a MN expression.

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