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To not want parents to come for christmas

(12 Posts)
roseability Wed 08-Oct-08 13:51:06

To cut a long story short

Toxic parents including bullying, mentally abusive father

relationship worse since DS although I sought counselling/ADS and have come to some kind of truce with them. We still have contact for my DS sake but more on my terms

They alternate christmas between us and other family. It has resulted in the scenario that I either work christmas (shift worker) or they come up. This year I would like a festive season where I am neither working nor enduring the stress of them being here (which I hide for DS sake but it does ruin it for me to some extent)

They might well be on their own which seems un christian but we will offer to visit them just before xmas and have a 'fake' xmas at their house with DS

Arghh the guilt and turmoil that comes with toxic parents (and they are truly toxic not just annoying)

dustystar Wed 08-Oct-08 13:54:10

They are lucky that you have been prepared to put up with them coming for xmas in the past if they are that toxic. Don't feel guilty about them being alone on the day they'll be fine - make sure you have a lovely relaxing day without them smile

chequers Wed 08-Oct-08 13:55:58

Tell them you're working?

[easy way out emoticon]

IfYouDidntLaughYoudCry Wed 08-Oct-08 13:58:03

Agree with Dustystar. They're lucky that you're willing to see them before the day. Definitely make it as relaxing as possible for you and your DS. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

yousaidit Wed 08-Oct-08 13:58:23

I hate having family round for Christmas and they're not even toxic!!!

You've been a saint to put up with it for so long so i'd say you're definately in the right to knock the christmas day thing on the head. I hate the fact that for some reason on christmas day you've to go ott and have family round for a full day which you would not usually do, entertain, have them all squabbling over playing with your kids and the non stop noise of grandparents trying to be noisier than each other to get the grandkids attention, then all wanting to takem kids out for walk so you do cooking and you think 'hang on, isn't this supposed to be our christmas day?'.

We tell people to call up for an hour in the late morning, early aft, then door gets locked!!!!!

overthemill Wed 08-Oct-08 13:58:32

'we're dong something different this year for a change, hope you have a lovely day' and arange a day NOW for after xmas when you will see them for present exchange

roseability Wed 08-Oct-08 14:13:15

Yep I have decided to be selfish this year

No doubt it will cause an issue 'how could i leave them on their own at xmas etc' but my family comes first now

Not saying i will never see them at xmas again (although that would suit me fine) but just want this year to be special

nopainnogain Wed 08-Oct-08 14:14:31

I understand you want your DS to have some contact with grandparents. But if they are so "poisonous" do they have a healthy relationship with him, that was just not possible with you?

I have a good relationship with my DM but do not routinely invite her for Xmas. I don´t think this is un-christian. My DF is also bullying and mentally abusive. I suffered it all my life and don´t allow him contact with my DC to protect him from this type of behaviour. Is this so harsh?

nopainnogain Wed 08-Oct-08 14:16:12

>Oops, x posts.

But you´re NOT being selfish, you´re putting your DS first, which is the way it should be.

dustystar Wed 08-Oct-08 14:18:18

Perhaps you could change the way you spend xmas with them. I used to see my inlaws every xmas day. They are lovely but after ds was born it all became too much like hard work. We see them boxing day now instead. They come over for tea and spend a few hours with us in the evening. The children all like it as it spreads out pressie giving. They were a bit upset when we first told them and i felt bad but now its fine.

roseability Wed 08-Oct-08 15:03:04

nopainnogain - you are not harsh and really wish I could stop contact with my father, although he has never displayed such characteristics to my DS (contact would be stopped immediately the minute he does)

He is not my biological father but my adoptive father. I suppose I maintain contact for my mothers sake although she is toxic as well (defends him and thinks I am over sensitive rather than him being a bully)

The problem is they life too far away to just pop over. I would like to change things so that we see them beofre/after xmas. This might be the start

jesuswhatnext Wed 08-Oct-08 15:40:58

ok rose, i'm looking at this from a differant angle - being a parent is NOT a gaurantee of never being alone at xmas - i have 1 dd, she is 16, i will NEVER give her grief over where we all spend xmas.

I hope that one day she will have a family of her own and hopefully she will want to see me and her dad at xmas, however, i will HAVE to accept that she may well want to see her in-laws, friends etc or just simply spend time with her dh and dcs - she is NOT responsible for my happiness and she will not be obligated to see me if she would rather not. - i think your parents should grow up, you are in no way obliged to see them, you are an adult, with your own family, build your own xmas traditions and let your parents know they can join you on another day.

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