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to think my friend is being unreasonable!!

(25 Posts)
lisad123 Tue 07-Oct-08 22:03:58

I have 2 friends at dd1 schol. One friend I have known on and off for 10 years, will call her Tee. Other friend I have known for just over a year, call her Gem.

Now we all have children the same age plus me and Gem have one more. We all walk to school together, and somedays me and Tee share the school run to give each other a break. Tee's DS and Gems DD have a habit of winding each other up. BUT while Gems DD will wind him up with words, Tee's son will physically hit, punch & kick.

Well things have been difficult for a while and Tee often says Gem doesnt tell her DD off enough, but of im being honest Tee's son often says she is saying things that she isnt. hmm

Well today, I was picking up Tee's DS from school and walking hone with another friend who's DS is in the same year. Well friend was having a bad day, and i was feeling naff and full of cold. I invited friend for cuppa at mine to chat, knowing her ds and my dd play nicely. Tee's ds asked if he could come and i nicely said "not today sweetie but you can come and play another day".

Tonight I recieve a text from Tee saying, her son was very upset that he wasnt invited round today and Gem's DD was, especially as he asked too!!! also said that Gems dd had said she was coming round to wind him up(she didnt)

I am so angry, one that her ds lied as Gems dd wasnt invited and wasnt winding him up. two that she has the cheek to say because he asked he should have come. and 3 that she had the cheek to text me.

Im tempted to suggest we stop walking the kids together, or am i over reacting?

lisad123 Tue 07-Oct-08 22:15:26

no one?

2shoeprintsintheblood Tue 07-Oct-08 22:15:42

no yanbu
just because the parents get on, doesn't mean you will like their dc's or that the dc's will get on.
this happened to me and in the end I gave up, it wasnt worth the hassle tbh

hatwoman Tue 07-Oct-08 22:21:40

I would explain, in a quite firm I'm not getting into a debate way. just something along the lines of "sorry your ds was upset but I wanted to chat with [friend] and I didn;t feel up to more than 2 kids. and I didn;t know what your plans were anyway." if she's reasonable she'll accept that and you can carry on. if she's not then you'll probably end up naturally growing apart. no need to make a big thing about it.

barnsleybelle Tue 07-Oct-08 22:25:43

What an awful situation.....

I am very good friends with the mum of a boy in ds class. The son of my friend is always wanting to come round, but my ds simply doesn't like him!!!!! They are in the same football team too so we meet up a lot. They are fine at footie but my ds does not want to "play" with him.

It was awkward for a while but i suggested coffee after school run one day and had a proper chat with my friend and alls well.

Your friend was wrong to bring it up in my opinion... As said before, just because the mums are friends doesn't mean the children will be.

Maybe leave a little earlier or later on a morning for a few days??

exasperatedmummy Tue 07-Oct-08 22:57:25

YANBU but i can understand why your friend is upset actually. I would have been pissed off too. She doesn't hve the benefit of the information you gave us re the friend having a bad day and that it is quite different having friend and child that is friends responsibility than having child that would be your responsibility etc.

From her little boys point of view, x was invited and he wasn't, friend might have assumed it was gem, or the son might have said so to back up his case because he was upset.

If i were you i would explain, if she doesn't like it, her problem. I would have texted you though.

DandyLioness Tue 07-Oct-08 23:10:20

Message withdrawn

scaryteacher Wed 08-Oct-08 07:14:20

YANBU - you are walking to school together, not having to account to another person whom you have in your house.

I would not have texted you, and if I were you, I would have a frank chat to your friend about her ds's embellishment of the facts.

I could accept that the child was upset if you had arranged for him to play and then gone back on it; but if there was no arrangement, then why was he upset?

exasperatedmummy Wed 08-Oct-08 08:46:52

Its not about accounting to the other person at all. Two things might have happened here - the other boy, beinga child might have gotten hurt feelings and feel left out about not being invited. He just sees it as x is invited and he isn't. His reasoning doesn't go beyond that, he wont realise that the OP mihgt have been busy, stressed or unable to have him for some reason. Secondly, the boy might actually be exaggerating to his mum and she has got the wrong end of the stick.

I would talk to her this morning and explain, if SHE is reasonable, she will understand and hopefully explain to her lad that, just because he isn't invited doesn't mean he isn't liked. Even if he is a little bastard and pain in the arse wink

exasperatedmummy Wed 08-Oct-08 08:49:17

This is the reason i will be giving other mums at the school gate a wide berth and take a book to read at pick up time.

lisad123 Wed 08-Oct-08 09:18:44

well i spoke to her, she still believes that Gems DD was teasing him saying she was coming to mine (she wasnt). He also neglected to tell her that i said he could come another day!
She still blaming Gems DD saying shes nasty and like to wind her son up ect.
I suggested maybe Gem and Tee dont walk to school together for a bit, they are at the same table at school, in the same dance class and same afterschool club! think they need a break. thanks to you all

DandyLioness Wed 08-Oct-08 10:29:26

Message withdrawn

lisad123 Wed 08-Oct-08 16:33:53

OMG i cant bleieve what just happened. Tee picked up my DD from school today, as im not well and its her turn. She dropped my DD1 off home and her son started shouting at me!

"Well your not nice, you wouldnt let me come and play and you let adam. How unfair is that eh??"

I firmly told him that he was told he could come another day but he just gave me a look of discust! My friend just stood there and said nothing. shock
Im tempted to cut them off my self and just stay with Gem. I would be livid at my DDs if they spoke to someone like that.

forevercleaning Wed 08-Oct-08 16:36:45

what did the mum say when her DS spoke to you like that? Iwould have made sure mine had apoloigised immediately.

lisad123 Wed 08-Oct-08 16:47:46

sh didnt say anything at all, just stood there. Im sure some of it has come from her as the way he had said it. shock

lingle Wed 08-Oct-08 16:49:54

lisad123, your friend "Tee" has lost the plot here. Of course children get jealous when another child is invited to play and they are not. It's part of growing up. But as was said above, you do not have to account to anyone for your decisions about who comes to your house on a particular day.

Tee is now allowing her child to speak to you in a very inappropriate way.

exasperatedmummy Wed 08-Oct-08 16:54:00

I take back everything i said, the woman has no manners. Fancy letting her son disprespect an adult in such a way - i would steer clear. The fact that she slates your other friends child in front of you anyway means she is not "nice"

compo Wed 08-Oct-08 16:54:40

how old are these children? shock

lisad123 Wed 08-Oct-08 16:56:41

5years going on 6years!

scaryteacher Wed 08-Oct-08 17:27:20

The boy needs to realise that the world doesn't revolve around him, (yes I know kids are egocentric, I have one) and that adults are not required to account to children not their own, or to their mums, about who they chose to have in their house.

I would also tell him and his mum that until you get an apology he will not be coming to play in your house for the foreseeable future.

StewieGriffinsMom Wed 08-Oct-08 17:53:06

Message withdrawn

DandyLioness Wed 08-Oct-08 21:09:40

Message withdrawn

lingle Thu 09-Oct-08 09:17:14

I think Dandy is going a bit far. Just make the point that you are not accountable to Tee or her child.

DandyLioness Thu 09-Oct-08 11:09:28

Message withdrawn

catsmother Thu 09-Oct-08 11:17:56

I agree with Dandy. It's not fair on Lisa if she has to take responsibility for a child who's rude to her - and has now learnt (due to the non-intervention of his mother) that it's acceptable to speak to an adult like that.

I'd never let my 5 year old speak to someone like that and would definitely tell her to apologise. Nor would I have the gall, TBH, if she had been that rude, to expect that mother to do my shcool pick-up for me.

I appreciate a 5 year old may not understand the ins and outs of going to play at someone else's house, but unless this is explained to them how will they ever learn ? My daughter (like most 5 year olds) is forever inviting herself to other people's homes, and also invites other kids over here without asking me. I have no problem in telling her that I am busy / going somewhere / not in the mood etc and that other people feel the same. She is now hopefully on her way to understanding that visits are arranged between the 2 mummies concerned.

Sounds to me like Tee is somewhat precious.

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