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Or are we being unreasonable? SIL and foreign wedding.

(82 Posts)
Flossish Tue 07-Oct-08 17:49:26

Have I spelt foreign right? according to the spell check yes, hmm.

Right brief history. SIL getting married and decided to go abroad. Originally planned to get married in the Carribean. We said pretty much straight off we wouldn't be going as way beyond our budget. So they then ummed and ahhed and decided on Cyprus. When asked if we would go we said yes.

However since then the cost of everything has ocviously gone up, not least the cost of our mortgage which not only comes out of the fixed rate but also becomes repayment 8 weeks before the wedding. Also we had to put a new car on the credit card as the old one was costing more to maintain than it was worth. Oh and then we had a £800 bill to fix said new car. hmm

I also dramatically underestimated how much Cyprus actually cost, I thought it would be on a par with places like greece etc. As it is just for a B and b package holiday for us and 2 children in the resort they are marrying would have been well over 1k. i was expecting roughly half that blush. Perhaps I should add here that we haven't been abroad since DS was born, like most young families the most we have managed is a few days in cornwall in over 4 yrs!

We've been gently trying to tell SIL since we had to get the new car that we won't be able to afford to go. DP said something to her several weeks ago and didn't get very far. They apparently agreed they would see how things went and give a definate answer at xmas.

Anyway a couple of weeks ago we got a text saying that we needed to say by last thurs if we were going or not as final numbers were needed. I again tried to gently tell SIL that we couldn't afford not to go. DP is hoping to take himself off to a stag do a a couple of weeks after, i was saying to her about this as I didn't think it was on to go to that and not to hers and that if he did it would scupper any chance of us having any sort of family holiday next year. She again asked us to think about it and look at prices again as she thought they had come down.

A couple of days after DP got a text from her asking him if he would come to the wedding on his own. That to afford to do this he would only need to set aside £75 a month (only?!?) and that this would be affordable. I was quite hurt by this as per our conversation a few days ago she knows it would mean no holiday for our DC and myself, also having to take holiday from work to enable DP to go away without us. Not only that but it would mean less/no luxuries for us as a family for the next 6 months!

DP wasn't having any of it as he can't afford to set that aside each month and feels it is unfair on the rest of the family. He rang his father (to whom we were instructed to reply - and not the best approach I appreciate) to inform him we wouldn't be attending.

It now seems as though she is no longer talking to me. I understand she wants her brother especially to be there and yet IMO by having a foreign wedding you make a choice between a fab location and perhaps not having all the people you would like to have there. I said this to her at the time she made her decision although at the time we did genuinely believe we would be able to go, it just isn't feasible for us under current circumstances.

She is making thinly veiled bitchy comments via facebook at me and it all feels very unpleasant tbh. I appreciate we said we would go but could not anticipate last February the impact of the credit crunch or the car costs we have had.

How flamed am I going to get today then? grin

cornsilk Tue 07-Oct-08 17:51:07

You have made the right choice for your family. She is being a bridezilla.

TheFallenMadonna Tue 07-Oct-08 17:53:35

Well. I do understnad your position of course. But did she change the location because you said you would go if it were in Cyprus?

Upwind Tue 07-Oct-08 17:54:28

I don't think you'll get flamed. The credit crunch is really biting and young families are the most exposed. Ignore your SIL's childishness, make it clear that you would love to go and do send a nice present and a telegram to be read out at the reception.

Flossish Tue 07-Oct-08 17:56:14

No I think MIl preferred Cyprus as well. I don't the location was changed on us going alone. Other people had also stated they wouldn't be going so far away IIRC.

LouMacca Tue 07-Oct-08 17:56:26

YANBU. If your SIL is not speaking to you over this she is acting like a spoilt brat.

I can understand that she probably wants her brother there but it is her choice to get married abroad. She IBU to expect you to get yourself in debt for her wedding.

Dropdeadfred Tue 07-Oct-08 17:56:32

I can see that she would be sad for her brother not to be there...but to be honest I probably wouldn't have given her a definite yes back when she changed to Cyprus without checking the prices....

yanbu but she has a right to be diappointed

CarGirl Tue 07-Oct-08 17:56:42

Perhaps you get your dh to send a facebook comment back along the lines of we're very dissapointed we can't come it's horrible having to chose between keeping a roof over our heads and attending your wedding.

moondog Tue 07-Oct-08 17:57:01

Stupid selfish bitch

Dropdeadfred Tue 07-Oct-08 17:57:28

whay type of comments on Facebook??

CarGirl Tue 07-Oct-08 17:57:32

our dh could also add, well at least now we can afford to get you a wedding gift!

I think you need your dh to sort this out.

BitOfFungusthebogeyman Tue 07-Oct-08 17:58:56

Cargirl has the right idea grin Meeeow!!

ilovemyghds Tue 07-Oct-08 18:00:01

She is being v unreasonable if she knows that your DH going means the rest of his family will suffer because of it. I hate it when people get so unreasonable about their own events and expect you to fork out a fortune to attend. If you have a foreign wedding then you should expect most people to not be able to attend.

FioFio Tue 07-Oct-08 18:00:14

Message withdrawn

FioFio Tue 07-Oct-08 18:00:56

Message withdrawn

JuneBugJen Tue 07-Oct-08 18:01:05

I have this problem too, but perhaps far worse!

My brother has decided to have his wedding in April in Mexico!! It is in a 5 star resort and costing over £4000 for the 4 of us to go. I have not gone on summer holiday this year to pay for it and having to work an extra day a week. Our other sisters wishe he would have let us chuck in £1000 towards his wedding here so we would have not been stung!

Not sure if to have just me go (bliss...7 child free days!) or the whole family. Things are TIGHT!!!
Why do this?

I think though perhaps your DH should go only.

ilovemyghds Tue 07-Oct-08 18:01:35

Yes, don't get drawn in - your DH needs to sort it, not you.

domesticslattern Tue 07-Oct-08 18:02:41

Mad woman. If she insists on a foreign wedding, then she should pay for you to attend. Try that one.

Of course, if she goes for a UK wedding, then you will be delighted etc. etc.

Surely you aren't the only guests with this dilemma?

CarGirl Tue 07-Oct-08 18:02:43

Jen I would go on your own, That flight for only 7 days with 2 dc really wouldn't appeal to me!

JuneBugJen Tue 07-Oct-08 18:03:15

Ta cargirl...I am leaning that way wink

Flossish Tue 07-Oct-08 18:03:53

Well I had a childfree day and night to myself on Sunday. First for 18 months I think? So I did an update saying how I was looking forward to a lovely day shopping and night out sans kids. Shortly after her update was '** thinks a certain Mum should grow up and act their age!' . i didn't pick up on this at the time. My next update was that we were getting ready to go out and then that same evening was an update saying '** realises people's priorities now and won't be bothering with them anymore' , which I'm guessing to mean that we were going out for a meal when we should have obviously been putting the money towards her wedding or something. A meal out costs a lot less than a holiday IMO at least!

Flossish Tue 07-Oct-08 18:06:03

Oh and I should add I still hadn't clicked about this at the time and asked her who had upset her!! No reply and no response to text asking if she was ok.

TheFallenMadonna Tue 07-Oct-08 18:06:32

The facebook thng is weird. But then the facebook thing is weird generally I think grin

My brother married overseas, and it cost us double our annual holiday budget to go. But he was does live there and was marrying someone from there, so I guess he wasn't being that unreasonable...

fabsmum Tue 07-Oct-08 18:06:41

My DH's best friend got married last year in Cyprus. In August.

DH's first response to hearing their plans was to say 'we'll definitely come'. My first response was - 'over my dead body'. We haven't had a holiday abroad in 6 years because we're skint - the last thing on earth I'd want to do is blow two years holiday budget flying out for a wedding in August to a place not of my own choosing, with a group of people who I don't know very well. Saw the wedding video and was SOOOO glad we hadn't gone. The bride and grooms' families ended up having a massive row and everyone came back not talking to each other. shock. Plus the fact that the venue looked like Butlins on a sunny day.

What is it with people that they casually arrange weddings that will cost their guests thousands of £££'s to attend? It's so self indulgent.

So no - YANBU

Your SIL is a selfish old mare.

FlirtyThirty Tue 07-Oct-08 18:07:51


We deliberately didn't get married abroad so that our family and friends could be with us. She is being unreasonable. Much as I understand she wants her brother, you and your children to be there, she has to appreciate things from your perspective too. It is possible that she is maybe just sad and frustrated that you can't come - which is understandable - and she just isn't reacting in the best way. Much as I think you have done the right thing for your family, it may be best to overstate to her ow sorry you are to miss her big day so as not to cause long-term issues. It won't take much, but may smooth the path...

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