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to tell DH that I don't want his mum and sister coming over for Xmas this year?

(18 Posts)
EmmaPr Sat 04-Oct-08 23:39:07

I do actually like his mum and sister (she is single and just turned 40) but it's the same every year, and in fact the same everytime we go out together. His mum and sister argue over everything, and such ridiculous things like, "you used to make me tidy my room when I was little - why did you do that?". We just came back from a birthday celebration meal for our 1 year old dd, and mother and sister in law went too. Firstly we had to change restaurants and move from our booked decorated table at Strada because m-i-l couldn't walk down the steps (not her fault, I know). Then she complained at the next restaurant we found, after a walk in the cold rain with 2 little ones, because she doesn't like Italian food ("ciabatta - what's ciabatta?"). There was faffing at the table over everything, and arguments between s-i-l and m-i-l as usual. It wouldn't have been so bad but DH was so stressed out by then that it spoiled it for me. is the same shambles at Xmas. It is my favourite day of the year, especially since we have 2 little ones now, but I can see it's going to be another stressful day if they are there too. My husband doesn't relax, and I end up with a headache and a feeling that it shouldn;t be this way.
Am I being selfish - should I welcome them into my home, especially since they'd be on their own otherwise. To top it off, mil doesn't even celebrate Xmas as she's a Jehovahs witness, and makes everyone aware of that several times throughout the day.

Carmenere Sat 04-Oct-08 23:42:14

Well iiwy I would invite them but put conditions on the invite. No fighting and no talk of religion.

snice Sat 04-Oct-08 23:45:21

I am surprised she would want to come if she's a JW

EmmaPr Sat 04-Oct-08 23:47:33

Hmmm, didn't think of that. It might work. I could also be so damn cheerful and almost pretend that they're not there!

AuntieMaggie Sat 04-Oct-08 23:49:38

Why would your MIL worry about being on her own if she is a JW and doesn't celebrate xmas?

You aren't responsible for your SIL and MIL. If you want xmas to be just you and your DC this year I don't see that anyone can take offence.

If it's going to ruin your day by you being on edge and worrying about them ruining it then your DH should understand that for once you want to do things on your own.

EmmaPr Sat 04-Oct-08 23:51:44

Snice, that's the strange thing. She says she wants to come to spend time with her family. I know DH would hate to know that his mum is on her own on Xmas day even though she doesn't actually celebrate it. I know I really have to grin and bear it for my DH's sake. I married him and I married his family. ON boxing day we go to my family and have a fantastic time. DH even admits that he'd much prefer to spend the day with my family.

piratecat Sat 04-Oct-08 23:52:24

just tel him and see what he says.

it's your day with your dc's now, I'd just say it, to her/them asap, that you want a quiet xmas day.

life's too short to have this day spoilt.

piratecat Sat 04-Oct-08 23:53:05

ok then, fib and say you are going to your mum's this yr.

piratecat Sat 04-Oct-08 23:53:34

you could alternate? then it would be less horrible.

mabanana Sat 04-Oct-08 23:55:37

Woudl your parents host his mum and your sil too? Maybe diluting them with your jolly family would help everyone - or could you host everyone? More the merrier?

EmmaPr Sun 05-Oct-08 00:04:18

AuntyMaggie - that was my original thought.

Piratecat - I have said to DH that I want Xmas day on our own this year and he just went quiet and said "you know how difficult that is".

I did invite my parents too, but my mum wasn't keen (It would spoil it for them!) and I wouldn't land my mil and sil on them for the same reasons.

I am considering telling DH that I think it's about time we go to my parents for Xmas, or have the day on our own with our little girls. I need to just talk to him when we're calmer and when we haven't just had a row in the car on the way back from a stressful 'family' meal.

sunnydelight Sun 05-Oct-08 07:45:43

Can you just go to your parents? That's a lot less confrontational than saying you don't want them at yours.

spicemonster Sun 05-Oct-08 07:49:36

I think you should alternate and go to your parents this year (or have them at yours) and see your MIL/SIL on boxing day.

You're not responsible for ensuring they have a nice day.

DiscoDizzy Sun 05-Oct-08 07:54:48

Its hard isn't it. I'm having a similar problem here. My parents come for xmas lunch. They're here for a max 3 hours. Father is 80 this year and I worry there aren't many xmas' left tho I know he may have loads. I know he annoys DH in that he tends to talk AT people rather than listen to others and I know it annoys DH that father insists on pretending to be a bit of a santa claus when giving out their presents to the DC's but i'm scared to say, we're having xmas on our own this year, in case it is his last sad.

I agree with another poster that in your case you should try and alternate.

Nighbynight Sun 05-Oct-08 08:04:04

YANBU.

Freckle Sun 05-Oct-08 08:43:00

What about you going to your mil's or sil's (if she doesn't live with her mum)? Why should you always be the hostess? That way, you get to spend time with the dcs before heading out and you can leave to come home when your tolerance levels dictate wink.

saggyhairyarse Sun 05-Oct-08 08:45:43

You gotta do what you gotta do!

We have family issues at Xmas but I don't feel bad about going away or saying we want it on our own. We are a family now. Can't your MIL and SIL spend the day together and then neither is alone?

Our best Xmas was the year before last, we were lazy and bought in all the food from M & S and meant we had time to make up the kids toys and not spend the whole dy cooking.

EmmaPr Sun 05-Oct-08 23:30:04

Talked about this with DH today. We decided to spend Xmas eve with sil and mil, them come over to us and stay the night. Then they can spend Xmas morning with our DDs and watch them unwrap their pressies. Then DH takes SIL and MIL home mid-morning, and then we drive to my parents ready for Xmas lunch and spend the rest of Xmas day there. Is 90 mins driving, but once at my parents we can relax (I don't have to cook!!) We are pleasing everybody, including ourselves, that way. DH and I have concluded that we are not responsible for SIL or MIL and we have to think of ourselves and most of all our DDs now. Next year we may even be brave enough to spend the whole of Xmas day just as our little family......

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