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To stop DD1 age 8 from coming to her little sisters birthday party tomorrow?

(87 Posts)
J2O Sat 04-Oct-08 09:41:05

She has been getting up in a morning and taking sweets from the top of the fridge, she has already been grounded for this and knows in no uncertain terms that she is not allowed to get anything in a morning until i come down, especially things like that.
I'm doing dd2 a 1st birthday party tomorrow, dd1 is usually at her dads all day Sunday, but i said she can come home early for it, in fact ex ils are also supposed to be coming too.
Anyway i get up this morning, and she has been eating the little chocolate toppings that are to go on top of the cake, and i am so angry with her, i have told her she isn't allowed to come to the party now.
The thing is she is already overweight, which i have been fighting with for a couple of years now, mainly when she goes to her dads and his parents as they still feed her rubbish (thats another story) but i am so sick of worrying about it and there being a battle of wills between myself and her and them over it.

So...am i being unreasonable to stop her from coming? and if not, how do i tell the exILs without seeming as though I'm being petty?

bubblagirl Sat 04-Oct-08 09:45:44

i think she should be allowed to come to her sisters b day oarty but a fave toy should be taken away not fair to stop her coming to her own sisters party for eating sweets she is family after all

i would ban a toy or tv

if you cant trust her around these foods you really should have them somewhere where she cannot possibly reach them and leave raisins or such things laying around as clearly hungry and grabbing first thing when she gets up leave her some breakfast out and hide away any foods she shouldnt have

let her enjoy family time with you and her sis this is a big thing and to be left out would be heart breaking and could ruin there bond

is she unhappy is she comfort eating maybe you need to get to bottom of why she wants to eat all this sounds like comfort eating to me do you ahve much quality time together where she can open up to you or have fun with you on a one to one level

lisad123 Sat 04-Oct-08 09:45:55

hmm tough one, especially as you already told her that what is happening. If YOU feel its right, do it. You know her best.

May seem like a really silly question, but if this keeps happening, why dont you move the sweets? Higher up, in a hard to open box. Or even better dont buy them.

AbbeyA Sat 04-Oct-08 09:49:32

I wouldn't have given it as a punishment in the first place as it seem OTT for what she did, surely her little sister would want her there? It sounds as if you have a good relationship with exIL so you are punishing them as well. I would talk to her about it and find a different punishment, if you think she needs it. You haven't said how old DD1 is-this may have some bearing on it. If she was young they may have been too much of a temptation.

J2O Sat 04-Oct-08 09:51:02

I do mean to put them out of sight, but i didn't even think about the toppings for the cake.
There isn't really any other punishment i ca think of, no favourite toys atm, In fact due to the state of her bedroom and her stinking attitude lately, a lot of her things have been removed from her room already.

I just know she'll got to exdps and be spoilt and told 'at least you can do/have what you want here, we love you..etc'
Its an ongoing battle at the moment with everything.

Bubbla-she isn't hungry as she hardly had any of them and then didn't want any breakfast, so i gave her an aple, I think shes doing it for the pure naughtiness of it, but she doesn't tell me, so i'm not even sure if its for attention or not.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Sat 04-Oct-08 09:51:23

Don't punish the birthday girl for what her sister did. Remove some other priviledge, don't buy sweets - especially if she is over weight - and stick to your guns. You are in charge. (Easier said than done at times, I know. blush)

J2O Sat 04-Oct-08 09:51:51

Abbey DD1 is 8

mrsruffallo Sat 04-Oct-08 09:52:16

I think not allowing her to come to the party is a bit harsh- I would choose an alternative punishment.
When it comes to weight issues you have to be very careful not to make it an issue she will caryy round with her.
Feed her lots of healthy food, as people do have varying appetites and maybe she just has a particularly big one?
Anyway, I am sure you know all this.
To answer your OP, I wouldn't stop her from coming to the party

J2O Sat 04-Oct-08 09:54:02

oh also i know it seems OTT, but i was so annoyed with her for doing it again and i'm tired from being up in the night with dd2 and stressed about doing the paty food etc.

I know if i back down she will be so smug about it and think shes got away with it.
She is already grounded so there is nothing left i can punish her with!

mrsruffallo Sat 04-Oct-08 09:54:08

Obviously taking things away is not working then,,,what is going on with her do you think?

pofaced Sat 04-Oct-08 09:58:40

If you've clearly told her that she is niot to eat sweets and you have put them in an out of the way place and she has found them and eaten them either she is starving (unlikely) or is looking for attention in some way. If she is supposed to be at her dad's and is being "allowed" home early to go to her sister's party, it strikes me there are some "issues" to be dealt with:

does she feel jealous/ resentful/ confused by baby's arrival?

does dd2's dad live with you? If so, is she resentful that dd2 is in a more "normal" family than she is?

I think stopping her from coming to her sister's party will push her further outside what she views as "normal" family boundaries

As for exILs and rubbish food... if you only give her proper food at home & tell them you don't want her given rubbish, leave it at that: you will stress yourself about something beyond your control. For what it's worth, we've cut out most processed food and, after some battles, everyone is significantly less podgy ... so no frubes, only plain biscuits, no crisps, cornflakes/ rice crispies or porridge (they choose porridge because they put golden syrup on it), no shop bought pancakes/ muffins etc. So just cook yourself & get her to help eg make fairy cakes/ flapjacks etc and see your bills & her weight fall

J2O Sat 04-Oct-08 09:59:03

oh Mrsruffallo-so many issues at the moment..I have a new dp, who she really likes but is jealous of, activities that she does with her dad mainly involve being in the pub ( yet another story and what i am fighting a losing battle over)constant backchat and cheekiness. I am at the end of my tether with her, and i know that i seem to be being harsh...but I am really struggling with her at the moment, I'm aware that she needs more quality time with me, but it so difficult when she is being like this, and when i do do things like that, she is so ungrateful about it ifswim.

Soapbox Sat 04-Oct-08 09:59:22

Oh don't be so ridiculous 'there isn't any other punishment I can think of'! What would you have done if the party had not been tomorrow?

Of course it is too harsh - do you want her to end up hating her sister for ever?

You really need to lighten up on the weight thing too, IMO. An eight year old child should not be worrying about their weight. The adults around her should be taking subtle steps to reduce portion size etc so that her weight is maintained as she gains height.

ingles2 Sat 04-Oct-08 10:02:34

When you say she's overweight, how overweight do you mean? is she getting wider before she has a growth spurt up? or is she veering towards obese?
I understand the point here is you've already told her not to take things in the morning. I have the same thing with my ds1 who helps himself to nearly the whole biscuit barrel first thing.
So I've stopped buying biscuits and have started leaving the cereal boxes on the table for the morning so he has breakfast straight away.
I wouldn't ban her from the party but I would say no cake as she has already helped herself to it. You'll have to talk to exp though if she is eating rubbish there.

AbbeyA Sat 04-Oct-08 10:02:38

She seems to have problems. Punishments are not working so could you have a different method and work on rewards instead. If she is 8 I would sit her down and tell her why you weren't happy with her behaviour (when you are both calm). Perhaps do pocket money each week if she behaves like an 8 yr old and then you would have the option of making her pay for things that she takes. I would also try and talk to your exP and have a joint policy on discipline.

J2O Sat 04-Oct-08 10:02:56

pofaced-dd2s father has not been around, so in effect, it is more the 3 of us in the family unit and my dp now is the outsider, but he doesn't live with us.

Definately jealous and resentful of lo but also loves her to bits so is confused with that too.

I don't really allow biscuits/crisps/crap at all, although sometimes i feel as though i may as well just give up and let her eat what the hell she wants!

ingles2 Sat 04-Oct-08 10:05:34

Also, despite everything thatis going on with new partners etc remember it is very common for dc's to have a bit of an attitude at 8. We had a spell of cheekiness, answering back and general attitude and so did nearly all our friends. DS1 is 9 in a couple of weeks and it's just about gone.

Fadge Sat 04-Oct-08 10:06:53

I would never use this as a punishment. To mkae it more appropriate to the "offence" I would ban her from having and bday cake.

Banning her from the party will only reinforce what she may already be thinking that she is not liked/loved and which is also being dripfed at her dads from your comments.

Move the sweets, put out healthy stuff and give her a bit of responsibility saying when you get up make your own breakfast.

StewieGriffinsMom Sat 04-Oct-08 10:07:17

Message withdrawn

bubblagirl Sat 04-Oct-08 10:07:35

i think you both need time to sit together and be really open about feeling you need to tewll her to get this time she needs to be respectful and there is certain behaviour you will nottolerate

dont shout back be firm but ignore back chat dont argue with each other as it will seem acceptable behaviour if you do it back

tell her you will not talk to her whilst she is talking to you like that and to come back when she can talk nicely

have 30 mins with just her of an evening to catch up cuddle read etc

involve her with sister dont push her away

take it into your own hands to have food rationed such as sweets tell her they will be rewards if she helps you and is respectful

do a chore chart lots of praise for smallest good behaviour pick her confidence back up,

but most of all pick your battles and dont argue back

she isnt beyond help she sounds extremely unhappy make time each night and tell her how well she has behaved thank her for helping even if not really helped much but to her it will mean alot such as passing yopu a wet wipe thank you very much for helping me

hope she settles soon most of all dont argue back dont get into a debate and dont shout back if she sees you acting calm she may take same apprach if you ignore she may realise it doesnt work but spend time together negative behaviour may cease if she gets positive attention

its hard work my sis had same thing nrew partner new baby not enough time for the pne who had all the time once

J2O Sat 04-Oct-08 10:08:00

Ingles she has been going to have a growth spurt for the past 2 years according to most people, some clothes that are 9-10 are not fitting her, in fact this morning i have put a lot of clothes aside that she has worn once but do not fit her-they're too tight.

Its like talking to a brick wall when i try to speak to exdp, he tells her that when he was at school all the girls where fat, and they slimmed out.

Abbey-I do not give pocket money, but as she goes in pub with her dad people are always giving her a pound here and there so she really doesn't have any concept of money, she'll just ask her dad/uncle/randparents for it.

I am hoping that she will slim out eventually, but atm that doesn't help when she looks more than a little bit chubby in her clothes

J2O Sat 04-Oct-08 10:12:17

fadge-the thing is she helped dp make the birthday cake last night, i dont think i could stop her having any of it, just like i doubt that i could really stop her from coming to the party, i know it would be unfair.

Bubbla and stewie, you are right, i think she is unhappy, and the guilt i feel is immense, in fact, those 2 posts made me burst into tears.

I know there are bigger issues that need dealing with...its finding the energy to do it.

I have to go and get sorted out now, I will be back later, hopefully when i'm not in such a state.

thanks for all the replies

mrsruffallo Sat 04-Oct-08 10:13:14

Sounds like you are having a hard time, J20. I wouldn't be pleased about the pub thing either, but a lot of people seemt o find it acceptable.
A friend of mine has a dd who loves visiting her dad becaiuse they go to the pub and he buys her coke and crisps!
I think you just need to persevere; give her choices, an opportunity to earn rewards, and act like you like her even when you don't!
Keep communication open and encourage her to talk about her feeelings.
The food aspect I would be a little more subtle on

AbbeyA Sat 04-Oct-08 10:18:01

If she doesn't need pocket money I would still sit her down and have a chat. Give her a very firm position in your new family as big sister with privileges and responsibilities.
Don't buy biscuits and sweet stuff. Involve her in cooking the meal. Go shopping with her and do some girly things without dd2. I would make the most of the positive and ignore her when she is being a trial. If you do increasingly hard punishments then she hasn't got much to lose and you are on a downward spiral.

marmadukescarlet Sat 04-Oct-08 10:56:06

J20, I have an 8 yr old DD. She is a very bog girl too. She is 1m38 tall and a susbstantial weight, despite our very healthy eating approach - often in age 10+ clothes. All her life she has worn 1-2 yrs above her age, when born she was so tall she had to wear mothercare 3 month stuff.

My DD is also a bit cheeky and likes to get the last word in - drives me bananas.

I genuinely feel you need to see your GP about some help with your relationship - I did, and, although we haven't yet been to the positve parenting place I have read up on some better parenting techniques.

I have a 4 yr old DS with severe special needs and a DH that works away a lot, meaning she doesn't/didn't get as much attention as she needed.

She has said she hates him because he takes up my time and that things were better before he was born sad.

I wouldn't stop her having cake, tbh. I think banning her from eating certain things can actually make her want them more and lead to a lifetime of a very poor relationship with food. We just don't have biscuits etc in the house, we bake together and make small batches of biscuits. We still have chocs and easter eggs as we hardly ever eat them, maybe once a week?

I have taken her to see 2 diff GPs (at 5yr and 7yrs) as my DH is obsessed by her weight (which I am trying to protect her from) I spoke to them both beforehand, so as not to discuss it in front of DD, and told of DH's fear. Both GPs told me she 'looked like a normal little girl'.

They also said although she didn't need to lose weight, I should try and keep her weight stable. She now weighs about the same as she did August 2007 - all the cross country running at school seems to be paying off! We are a very active family (we have ponies and spend much time outside) but have built more activities into the weekends we go to a local wood and have a lovely long walk inc a bit of tree climbing, camp building.

I now make much more time for her, doing things she wants to do - even if it is hard with DS. I love spending time with her now, and a while ago I didn't, I didn't even like her very much sometimes - our relationship is so much better than it was.

If you want to CAT me feel free, it is hard for me to discuss this in public, so I expect it is the same for you.

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