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To call my dad, my dad? :( Quite long story.

(27 Posts)
damselindistress Thu 02-Oct-08 22:24:30

Just to explain I am a regular on here but have namechanged for this one due to it being quite personal.

I'll start from the beginning...

When I was 3 my mum and dad split up as he was having an affair with a 15YO girl, my parents were both 19, he never bothered to come and see me after that my first proper memory is standing outside on the front step of our garden waiting for him to come and take me to the safari park which never happened. Anyway when I was 5 my mum started seeing another man who I met after 6 months and after about a year I asked him if I could call him Dad and he said yes. After that we had a normal father/daughter relationship he used to tell me he forgot I wasnt his daughter and blood had nothing to do with it and all that kind of stuff, I loved him to bits I idolised him and my mum, couldnt have wished for better parents.

After about 3 years my brother was born life was fab the following year my mum and 'dad' got married I was made up we were a proper family now!!! I was 9/10.

My name was changed when I was younger so all that was sorted. So things carried on they were wonderful, then when I was 14 he got a job working away in england (we live in scotland)he came back every 2 weeks I took it really abd that he wasnt there I started turning on my mum being a problem child etc, when he came back one time I saw my dad taking cocaine through the bathroom window, I was devastated I couldn't tell my mum but I confided in my aunt who told her and my mum found the proof so they tried to work that out then we found out he was living with another woman and her child down there the visits became less they split up he told me Id always be his daughter and that was that. Two months later in 2002 he vanished no one knew where he was, my mum reported him missing no sign anywhere, my mum moved home and remarried etc a few years later.

Then last year I was 20 and my brother was 12 he appeared my borther and I were just pleased to see him after all hed done we didnt care obviously my mum was not but they worked through that for us. He stayed in contact for about 3 months then decided he couldnt be arsed anymore. So again my brother was left devastated and we were picking up the pieces poor kid he's so insecure because of him it's alot for him to deal with he was 7 when he left had to see a psychologist because he thought my mum and I were going to abandon him like his dad did. .

Anyway last month again a phone call he wants to see my brother again he says yes nothing we can do about it. He says he's remarried to a girl the same age as me but we all just said thats fine youve moved on good.

Last night I got a phone call from him, he doesn't want me to call him dad, I've got nothing to do with him so stop telling people he has and my brother is his blood and thats what hes interested in Im and adult I don't need a 'dad' he was only there for me because he was married to my mum and now he doesn't ahve to treat me like his own etc.

I cant even remember the rest but I felt so gutted still do he was there from when I was 6 until I was 16 what the hell does he expect me to say he was my dad and my world for 10 years until he left and now Im nothing, god the tears are coming as Im writing this now.

I feel like my whole childhood was a lie now I feel such an idiot. He even asked why the hell Im still using his name as its weird that I still think of him as my dad. It has honestly tore me apart I know hes been a complete dickhead but he is my dad as far as I was concerned my mum was shocked too. AIBU to think of him as my dad or is he right in that a step parent only needs to bother whilst they are married to that childs parent? I was so close to him growing up I dont think thats right,

Anyway please be honest thank you and sorry for rambling.

damselindistress Thu 02-Oct-08 22:31:39

bump please

squilly Thu 02-Oct-08 22:38:49

I can't think of what to say to you as I've never been in a position like this, but I can imagine the hurt it's causing you.

You know you have to let him go, because he's clearly cut you loose. Trying to hold on to him will only make things worse for both of you. But you must be shattered by this.

I don't have anything wise or clever to say, but I hope you hold things together and get through this one. No-one should be treated this way by anyone, but particularly not by someone who took on such a treasured and delicate role as step-dad.

I'd want to punch his lights out...but that wouldn't achieve anything.

Good luck in processing this. It's almost like bereavement...effectively you've lost your dad. I just wish there was more I could say....

damselindistress Thu 02-Oct-08 22:39:17

Oh well thanks anyway I'm really down about this maybe I am being daft then. blush

damselindistress Thu 02-Oct-08 22:40:31

Thnaks Squilly I just need to talk about it more than anything. It is a hard one to judge I guess but it bloody horrible I cant believe hes doen this.

BroccoliSpears Thu 02-Oct-08 22:46:35

You're not being daft. He has behaved very badly. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.

I think you should separate the past from what's going to happen from now on. If he was your dad when you were growing up then nothing he says or does now can change that. It's probably best not to expect any more from him now though. This must be so difficult for you.

CarGirl Thu 02-Oct-08 22:46:44

I think he is still probably a cocaine user etc and is no longer rational nor the person who was your Dad.

It is devasting please give yourself time to get over it. Sadly you are not alone there are many fathers (by blood) who walk out on their children when they are older 9-16+ when relationships break down and never bother again. It's him who has the major problem and nothing to do with you.

hugs

damselindistress Thu 02-Oct-08 22:56:15

Thanks everyone, as far as we have been told he's not using cocaine anymore he mentioned a stint in rehab last year. But obviously he may well be lying.

His wife seemed to have a big problem with me because apparently she finds it odd his daughter is the same age as her, he was fine with it last year asked me if I had a hug for my old dad, but now no he wants nothing to do with me because he doesnt have to.

The hardest part is though that he will still be coming to visit my brother every month until he gets bored then itll be me who has topick up the pieces again. I dont think I can deal with it but I have to stay strong for him because I know he will dissappear again.

squilly Thu 02-Oct-08 23:00:25

You are so not being daft damsel. It's a hard thing that you're going through and I don't envy you one bit.

My dad died before my daughter was born and I thought that was tough, but if he'd disowned me? Not loved me, when I loved him so much? I'd be devastated. And beyond a bit down.

You're thinking through all the consequences of his actions. He's being a man. Problem - new wife doesn't like daughter because she's same age. Solution - ditch the daughter. Well...she's old enough to look after herself now.

Sorry to be blunt, but that's just typical male thinking. They don't think about feelings, emotions, the fallout from doing something so utterly selfish. Thank God we're women!!!

In terms of your brother, he's lucky to have you. You know you have to be strong for him and you're willing to do that. Some people wouldn't be. It's just a shame that you don't have someone to prop you up a bit too! Maybe you'll find a bit of support on here...I certainly hope you do. In fact I'm sure you will.

Keep venting. It might make you feel better. And you deserve to. You've clearly grown up into a responsible, sensitive young woman, despite what your dad's done to you and your family.

Tale care////

squilly Thu 02-Oct-08 23:00:41

Take care...even. blush

damselindistress Thu 02-Oct-08 23:09:31

Oh Squilly sorry to hear about yur dad too, it's ahrdly the same thing you have lost your dad mine is just total wanker who doesnt deserve any care at all. It makes my problem seem so irrelevant, I know thats not what you meant but YKWIM.

My dad has never bothered with DS saw him once last year when he was 9 month old took no interest at all, that hurt me too.

I have my mum there for me but I dont want to put it all onto her as she needs to keep strong at the moment as she has had a lot to deal with recently as she was drugged and sexually assaulted abvout a month ago now and its still going through courts etc as they have the guy who did it and my gran has just been told she has a heart condition adn has soemthing behind her eye which could either be a tumour or a cyst so we are awaiting the test results So much to deal with at the moment so I have to stay strong for us all

damselindistress Thu 02-Oct-08 23:11:25

God my life sounds like a train wreck.

I have my DS and DP to keep me strong somehow they get me through and keep me smiling in the day its just when it all quietens down and I start to think things through.

Kewcumber Thu 02-Oct-08 23:17:34

this isn;t anythign to do with whether your dad was your biological father or not. You might not beleive it but its true. My fatehr (at an older age) did somethign very similar (though no drugs to blame in his case hmm)

He left my mum and hasn;t spoken to me except by phone for 10 years - has never met s and didn;t even acknowledge the card I sent about DS until a short email about 3 motnhs later.

He does/has seen my brother and sister and their children although doesn't has a decent relationship with them - partly becuase they find it hard to reconcle why he has been so awful to me.

I went into hosptial for a caner biopsy at one point and he didn't even call my sisterback after she told him to find out what the results were.

He has become so distant that when I was in hospital last week and potentially very seriously ill, it didn't even occur to anyone to let him know sad

It has taken me 10 years to work out that this is because he is a spineless emotional coweard and an arse of the highest order. I still think of him as my father - just a pretty useless one.

damselindistress Thu 02-Oct-08 23:21:35

Wow Kewcumber that's horrible he really does sound like a right jackass. I guess it's different when I see it happened to someone else IYKWIM. Its kind of like what an arsehole and then I think well thats exactly what my so called dad has done so why dont I think the same??..!!

squilly Thu 02-Oct-08 23:23:07

OMG...no wonder you're struggling a bit Damsel. You've had (and have still got) so much on your plate! This must be the icing on a very crappy cake!

Keep posting. I'm sure folks on here will give you some strength/advice.

My dad was old and had lived his life, so it was no biggie....just makes me sad he never met my girl cos she trumps like a trooper and my dad always liked a good trumper

Get yourself a stiff drink for tonight if you can and wallow in the knowledge that you've got a lovely DS and DP. This is your family now. Your brother is part of it, but your dad? He's made his choice. He doesn't deserve you and he doesn't deserve getting to know your ds and dp.

Kewcumber Thu 02-Oct-08 23:24:35

Andmy dad was a pefectly normal run of the mill kind of faterh until he left.

A counsellor who attempted to help asked me what I wanted from him and it took me a while to decide "I want the father I deserve and not the one I got". Sadly she couldn't fix that grin

debzmb62 Thu 02-Oct-08 23:26:22

what a sad situation for you sad as it is he help make you the person you are today and its his loss
you have a darling son to care for things won;t always seem so bad for you take care

damselindistress Thu 02-Oct-08 23:27:36

LOL at trumper squilly thats something my grandad loves about my DS too farting is a family trait dont u know

And LOL at Kewcumber too wish we all could pick our dads thatd be fab thing is though until now I would never have changed mine

Kewcumber Thu 02-Oct-08 23:29:09

and my advice re your bro is to grit your teeth and smile at him (bro) and say "whatever kind of relationship you want to have with him, I will do my best to help you with."

If he ever asked how you feel -just stick to "I'm sad that he doesn't feel able to be a father to me butwe will no doubt work it out between us at some point"

Trst me being supportive of siblings in this case is really necessary (particularly as he's so young) "favoured" siblings get really terrible guilt complexes IME. They have a lot to deal with too - they have to watch their fatehr behave like a git to someone they love.

damselindistress Thu 02-Oct-08 23:34:49

Kewcumber I have no problem with my briother seeing him if thats what he wants to do thats up to him he is hurt by what my dad has done to his sister but Ive told him its not his fault and I dont want to affect his relationship with him.

My dad is hurting him enough by doing this I dont want to hurt him anymore I was the one he came to when he was litttle when my dad first left and he would climb into my bed just to make sure I was still there and hadnt ran away in the night and I was the one who helped him change his sheets in the middle of the night when he was wetting the bed through dreaming we had buggered off without him My mum wouldnt have minded at all its just we shared a room so I was there for him all the time.

Kewcumber Thu 02-Oct-08 23:37:45

you are lucky to have each other. Your fatehr can't see it but with lnger experience I can tell you that his relationship with your brother will be indelibly tainted with how he has behaved to you. Sadly dickheads can't see themselves as other poeple do.

It will all selttle down, you just need to talk it out lots with people who understand (or on here) and eventually you do come to an acceptance that he is just a pillock. Doesn;t make him not your fatehr or wipe th eyrars you spent together, he is just a differnt person now and not the one you knew.

damselindistress Thu 02-Oct-08 23:40:31

I kind of go through phases of knowing that Kewcumber I think its more disbelief and anger than anything TBH. I know hes a wanker Ive known that for a long time but for him to turn on me is just a huge shock and no he isnt the smae person ata ll!

Thank you so much for listening to me drivel on, it really is helping

Kewcumber Thu 02-Oct-08 23:43:28

oh t tke a long while and a lot of talking - and even then it rears its ugly head from time to time. I only started a thread on this a months or so ago so I can hardly claim to have any expertise in healing wink

damselindistress Thu 02-Oct-08 23:48:16

LOL I might have a look at that actuallly might help somehow.

How are you nowadays? Yours sounds horrible too.

Kewcumber Fri 03-Oct-08 00:06:03

you might find the commetns from others helpful, though not quite the smae situation as yours

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