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To want to kill MIL if she says "Oh his hands are chilly...heneeds to be dressed warmer" one more time

(45 Posts)
iwantasecondone Thu 02-Oct-08 21:59:36

Before DS my MIL kept her opinions to herself. Since he was born 6 months ago I have had sooo many snide/veiled comments and it's driving me crazy. I know it is the same with all MILs, but just want to shoot her. Today she asked me whether I was STILL breastfeeding and pulled a face when I said yes. She then proceeded to tell me about her friend's grandaughter who is STILL BF AT 8 MONTHS (disgusted face) CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? HOW DISGUSTING!! She then told me that my son has a cold because I don't dress him warmly enough (he must wear a vest, long sleeved top, jumper and then a blanket inside with the central heating on, apparently) and I can't be feeding him properly as he isn't fat anymore. (He started crawling and is very active). That of course prompted the "Well, you don't have enough milk, do you, it doesn't last 6 months. Oh, and he should be eating "good" foods like eggs to fill him up. ARGH. This happens EVERY f-ing time we go round. DH never says anything. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

WinkyWinkola Thu 02-Oct-08 22:08:46

You're doing brilliantly! Well done for bfing for as long as you have.

I know it must be driving you mad with her stupid comments but take heart that she's a total ignoramus. And those kinds of people tend to be the most vocal for some odd reason. And she's probably jealous. Do not let her petty, snippy comments affect your parenting decisions.

You won't change her but you can change your reactions to her. Sounds like you'll never be able to do anything right in her book.

You could try and give her articles on breast feeding that illustrate the huge positives for both mother and baby. You could talk to her about how babies are all different shapes and sizes. YOu could talk to her about the importance of babies not overheating.

But can you really be bothered? I'd just get on with being a great mum to your DS and asking your MIL to keep her negativity to herself.

StayFrosty Thu 02-Oct-08 22:09:05

smile and nod, smile and nod, smile and nod, then go home and proceed to do whatever you like. rinse and repeat as necessary. smile or you could give her your health visitor's number and suggest she rings her to tell her all her breastfeeding info is wrong. I would be very cross that DH never says anything, tho. It doesn't even have to be a big deal, he could just make a jokey comment to her.

MamaHobgoblin Thu 02-Oct-08 22:11:44

Oooh. I'd shoot her, myself. Especially with reference to her ultra-informed comments about BF.

Could you not have a word with DH and try to get him to sing from the same hymn sheet? He should support you and the choices you're both making.

FWIW, my own mother is always telling me DS isn't wrapped up warmly enough. I've seen photos of me and my brother as babies - we were little woollen sausages! grin Things have changed, perhaps?

iwantasecondone Thu 02-Oct-08 22:17:57

Thanks ladies. I do just smile and nod...as I quietly daydream about her moving to some far off land.

yomellamoHelly Thu 02-Oct-08 22:18:42

It's too long ago for her to remember properly and I think her generation were largely less well informed than ours. So I'd choose a coping strategy and tune out to what she's actually saying. At the end of the day the chances are she's probably just trying to get involved in some way rather than meaning it maliciously.

StayFrosty Thu 02-Oct-08 22:19:23

They didn't have central heating in t'olden days; I think this fact has been forgotten by many interfering grandparents.

cheshirekitty Thu 02-Oct-08 22:24:02

Just ask her why you are still producing milk if you should not still be bf.

Your mil probably had her ds in the 70's when very little women bf.

She is just showing her ignorance. Smile at her, explain to her how stupid she is, then try and ignore her.

yanbu. Sometimes mils are the pits.
Try and ignore her.

SlartyBartFast Thu 02-Oct-08 22:25:12

she sounds like my dm! neither my sister nor i bf longer than 6 months, but i do know her thoughts on doing so, and on cold hands angry

wasabipeanut Thu 02-Oct-08 22:26:22

For the life of me I can never understand this obsession with wrapping babies in 47 layers of clothing. I mean really - why?

Echo everyone elses comments re just trying to rise above it and remember that she is prob just trying to help in her own special way wink

You may want a quiet word in your DH's shell like though.

I had both my mum and MIL from about 4 months onwards say EVERY TIME we saw them "are you STILL bfing?" Anyone would think it actually became illegal at 6 months. And then my MIL ALWAYS follows it up with "oh you see these people feeding 2 year olds and I don't agree with it at all".

I have wasted energy trying to argue and now just agree with her. Its easier.

muddleduck Thu 02-Oct-08 22:28:47

get a notebook.
everytime she makes a comment say "that's really interesting, let me just write that down".
then copy the notebook onto here and give us all a good giggle.

grin

squilly Thu 02-Oct-08 22:29:54

Tell her to chuff off. Gawd, Mils should be banned the minute they start telling their DILs what to do imo.

If they don't, they can stay involved happily. If they interfere some independent ref should give them a yellow card, warning them of their infraction, then a red to tell them they're no longer in the game.

You're doing a fantastic job with your ds. If there are more veiled comments, I'd tear open the veil and tell her...they do things differently now. If she wants to become that most annoying of creatures, the interfering MIL, carry on! Otherwise, button it.

I wouldn't, btw. I'm too chicken It is, however, what I'd want to do!!!

tearinghairout Thu 02-Oct-08 22:34:14

Oh, I know this feeling! Agree with her - 'Yes, perhaps I'll give up soon'. 'I did bring another jumper but he seems OK at the moment' etc.

Remember that you hold all the cards - your baby, your decision. She is in the background & she doesn't like it, but tough.

I know from bitter experience - years of falling out with my ILs - that it's best to think evil thoughts inside but keep up with the smiling and nodding. I found myself on holiday with the ILs (long story) and managed to keep agreeing with them and smiling at them for a whole TWO DAYS! It's much better than getting angry or having a confrontation.

If she really does put you on the spot you wil just have to say 'Actually we're happy with things as they are. This is my decision' & smile & change the subject.

Deep breath now!

Janni Thu 02-Oct-08 22:35:13

Totally agree with Stayfrosty. If you try to defend yourself you add fuel to her fire.

What would be nice, though, would be if you could get your DH to say once, very firmly, that he absolutely trusts and supports the way you are raising his son.

I think a daughter-in-law becomes much more of a threat to an insecure MIL once she produces a child, because she takes away the one thing that the MIL can cling onto as 'hers' - namely that she is a mother.

This is probably all about her and her son, not really about you and your baby.

Granny22 Thu 02-Oct-08 22:54:50

Honestly I do understand. I had my 2DDs back in the 70's but I did have underfloor central heating and let the wee ones lie or run around in the bare skud or just a nappy much to MIL's horror. Her house was colder than a fridge and we all needed extra jumpers there. I was breastfeeding (bit of a sixties hippy) and ALL of my mother's generation were of the opinion that 'nice girls don't breatfeed' and 'formula is packed with special vitamins' etc. etc. All very annoying.

But now I am one of the granny generation, I can see the other side. When the young mum ignores or laughs at the granny's advice she is effectively saying to Granny 'you were a rubbish mother, you did it all wrong' when actually the Granny was doing her best to follow the 'best advice' and healthvisitor recommendations of the day.

As a new granny-to-be, I signed up to mumsnet and read all the books my DDs were given so that I understand what is considered best practice nowadays and fully subscribe to the idea that mummy knows best as far as her own child is concerned. However, once in a while, when modern wethods are not working, I will suggest something that used to work for my generation of mothers. Funnily, enough my awful MIL kept trying to swaddle my two, who hated it but I tried it in desperation whilst babysitting my screaming, unsettled DGD and she immediately calmed down and then nodded off and swaddling has continue to calm her. All babies are different and sometimes an old remedy may be worth a try. Maybe give expectant Grannies some new books to read too?

squilly Thu 02-Oct-08 23:34:04

It's good to see the granny's view, 22...I just worry that sometimes it's not about the methods or tips these women have. It's about control.

My mil was always controlling and the birth of my dd seemed to open the floodgates of sniping about all the things I did wrong. I wouldn't use reins, so I was clearly on a deathwish with dd. If I put her in a skirt, didn't I realise she could fall over and hurt her knees. The banality of it all. Not good shared wisdom based on experience or newly acquired knowledge. Just comments for the sake of it.

And, like many other DIL's, I felt that MIL was saying, I know better than you. Despite the fact that this is your child. She doesn't look like you, she looks like my boy. She doesn't act like you, she takes after only our side of the family. She's nothing like you. She should be mine and I will have some say in how she's raised.

I'm not over-reacting here at all, am I??? grin

We still have issues, from time to time with MIL and it's not anything to do with me telling her she wasn't a good mum. She clearly was. DH is the loveliest bloke you could ever wish to meet! It has, however, got everything to do with me telling her to butt out! Me telling her to keep her comments to herself and not share them with my, now, 7 year old.

You sound like a great grandma Granny22. If only you were my mil

Sadly, I've got the equivalent of Johnny Depp playing that mad butcher for a MIL...hair included.

I think OP has a real job on her hands here and though taking some advice from MIL wouldn't be the end of the world, I have a feeling it wouldn't be the end of the advice either!

bellabelly Thu 02-Oct-08 23:51:03

God, I wish my mil was teh equivalent of Johnny Depp...

It's not just mils though , is it? a neighbour of mine told me the other day that it was my fault that the twins had a cold as I never wrap them up warmly enough! You can imagine ho wgood that made me feel!

LadyGlencoraPalliser Thu 02-Oct-08 23:54:05

My MIL told me it was my fault DD1 had colic as I had been drinking fizzy water.
Mind you she also believe you could strangle a baby by raising your arms over your head when pregnant.

Ewe Thu 02-Oct-08 23:59:27

IWASO - how bloody annoying! My Gran is just like that, DD's hands are always cold because her hands are CONSTANTLY in her mouth because she is teething. I dry them what feels like every 15seconds but I can't keep up with the sheer flow.

DD's cold is also because of me underdressing her, not the fact that she has just started nursery and therefore mixing with loads of snotty children! [sigh]

Just keep in gritting your teeth or roll off lines such as "BF is recommended until 1yr by WHO", "Being too hot is actually more dangerous than being a chilly and hand temperature is not indicative of body temperature don't cha know?" etc etc

blueskythinker Fri 03-Oct-08 00:01:15

I got to the stage where I would cheerfully laugh every time my MIL fretted about my cold, unwrapped children. She would insist that they were wrapped tight for the 3 step journey from the house to the car. I just laughed it off and told her that we were so grateful, as without her concern, my children would founder.

She took it OK.

LadyGlencoraPalliser Fri 03-Oct-08 00:02:14

Actually, shall I tell you what really wound me up about MIL - it was when she talked TO THE BABY!
Eg 'Oh, mummy had better go and change your nappy now, your poor little bottom will get all sore if she makes you sit in a wet nappy like that!' angry
As if I didn't know when to change a nappy!

blueskythinker Fri 03-Oct-08 00:03:45

Just reply to the baby:

Don't worry, Granny's just fretting - it's because she loves you' smile

LadyGlencoraPalliser Fri 03-Oct-08 00:07:27

If only I had thought of that at the time. DCs are long out of nappies now, thankfully. But the memories are seared on my brain.
Whenever it was DH's turn to change the nappy she would go with him in case he couldn't manage on his own.

MollyCherry Fri 03-Oct-08 00:22:00

Whenever my MIL used to take DD or her cousins out when they were in pushchairs - she would wrap them up like little sausage rolls - complete with hot water bottles!!!

iwantasecondone Fri 03-Oct-08 08:09:03

Glad I'm not alone! Btw this woman has had 13 other grandchildren over the course of the last 30 years. Talked to my SILs last night and she has apparently improved. Or maybe it's because he's the first from a son...she used to just snatch the babies out of their hands and start redressing!

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