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Sorry but it's another MIL thread.

(24 Posts)
kegs82 Sat 27-Sep-08 19:42:38

Just found out from DH that his mother has been putting pressure on him to include her family name in DS who's due in Nov middle names. We've both quite clearly told her that only middle name we'll be using is my Grandfather's name.

DH has only just told me that for past couple of weeks he's been getting regular texts and has had 1 phonecall from her regarding this where she's tried to guilt trip him into using the name. She's divorced from FIL but still uses her married name but wants maiden name included as thinks it's DH's responsibility to ensure the name is carried on. In the past she has asked DH to change his name to her maiden name but he refused.

I'm a bit miffed that DH has only just told me about this but understand as he insists he thought she would drop it and didnt want me getting wound up about it. At the same time I'm angry that she's trying to malipulate DH behind my back into changing name when we've both told her clearly what names we will be using.

AIBU to wish she'd just keep her nose out or should I try and be more understanding?

compo Sat 27-Sep-08 19:44:40

for the sake of future relations could you just have 2 middle names
Sometimes it's just easier to go with the flow
yabu to be mad at your dh thoug, sounds like he is stuck btw a rock and a hard place

TheCrackFox Sat 27-Sep-08 19:44:44

Tell her to sod off, presumably the baby has the family surname.

noonki Sat 27-Sep-08 19:44:50

YANBU - don't mention it again until the baby is born, your baby your name choice

...and she doesn't even use the name hmm

WinkyWinkola Sat 27-Sep-08 19:52:52

I would pretend you had no idea about the name situation.

Arrogant of her to think they have a say in what name should be given to someone else's child.

If you don't want the name, don't do it. She should have named her own children with it instead of pressurising you and your DH about it.

Plus by not doing it, you'll send out a clear signal that you are not to be pressurised into doing stuff.

Hope all goes well.

Whoopee Sat 27-Sep-08 19:53:26

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. He's your baby! You call him what you want. This must have been tough on your husband, actually, having his mother twist his arm about something so important to you.

What often annoys me about pushy people is not so much what they want as how they go about getting what they want. And I wouldn't want my baby named after a manipulative guilt-tripper.

Tortington Sat 27-Sep-08 19:56:04

this is alpha female shit - and i swear to god if you back down now - the bitch will be intolerable

TheCrackFox Sat 27-Sep-08 20:01:52

Yep, Custardo has a point. Put your foot down now (or better still your DH) or she will be dictating to you until the day she dies.

If all else fails make sure you register the birth.

andyrobo237 Sat 27-Sep-08 20:04:32

Agree - say nothing to MIL about the name and then make sure you are there with DH to register the birth (as soon as possible after the birth - and dont even tell her when you are going). Then it will be too late - interfering busibody!

VictorianSqualor Sat 27-Sep-08 20:04:38

Custy is right, MiL trouble is always alpha female shit.

Sometimes on the side of Mil, others the DiL, but it's a pathetic fight to be top dog in hubby/son's world.

Tell her straight, it's my kid, I don't want to use the name.

ethanchristopher Sat 27-Sep-08 20:07:17

yanbu

your kid

your rules

tell her to fark off

but dont - cause thats probs not best for relationship lol.

if she continues to stress just dont use either name

cupsoftea Sat 27-Sep-08 20:07:52

Kegs82 - stand your ground - this name isn't the family name of your dh - it is your mil's surname. Don't let her boss you around. She should respect that you & dh as the parents make the choices.

bluejellybean Sat 27-Sep-08 20:09:11

OMG! No YNBU! Tell her straight, otherwise you will tip toeing around her forever!

kegs82 Sat 27-Sep-08 20:42:14

Thanks for support. I just needed someone to agree that she is overstepping line and that we need to stand firm. It's important to me that we use my Grandfather's name so I'm not going to back down and thankfully neither is DH. I do undertand he's stuck in middle but wish he had told me sooner as feel by not telling me he is allowing her to push in between us. That probably is unreasonable but think it's more hormones than anything else.

I'm also not going to rise to her interfering as have learnt in past she will then involve all her family and twist it so I end up looking like DIL from hell. She's coming to see us for day next weekend and we're not going to mention it unless she does. If she does bring it up we're going to tell her that we've made our decision and are sticking to it.

bluejellybean Sat 27-Sep-08 22:28:32

Sounds well thought through Kegs82. I expect your husband didn't want to upset you when your so heavily pregnant. Christmas is my next sticking point as a full fledged DIL from hell! Joy!

Lizzylou Sat 27-Sep-08 22:30:44

Good girl
Wholeheartedly agree with Custardo, don't back down.

kegs82 Sat 27-Sep-08 22:42:43

Safe at christmas this year as having my Mum and Grandfather for dinner and have asked in-laws to stay away since it'll be my Grandfather's 1st christmas without my Grandmother. Just need to start thinking of excuse for next year now. grin

fizzpops Sun 28-Sep-08 09:14:38

The thing about maiden names is that they don't carry on through the female line ie from your MIL to her children.

There is nothing to say it would last more than one generation more anyway. Is she relying on every subsequent generation to hassle their offspring to include this name. It is obviously something which is very important to her but only to her.

I don't agree with people having any say in other people's children's names. I would try and keep quiet in terms of saying whether or not you are going to go along with her suggestion. If she keeps pestering your DH could say 'I have mentioned it to kegs' (which he has) and then when the child is born wait until the birth is registered before you reveal the name if you are really concerned she will guilt trip otherwise.

So annoying to have to field these kind of 'suggestions'. It used to annoy me when people would have a discussion about names they thought would be nice for my child... I will call it what I like and you call your child what you like, end of conversation. They used to do it in front of me and I would sit there thinking, 'Hate that', 'Yuck', 'Boring', 'Nice, but now there is no way I can EVER use that name' etc etc

I also hate when people think they are being tactful when they really hate the name but can't/ aren't clever enough to hide their feelings.

My DH and I told a bank manager the name of our new daughter and she said, 'Oh is that one of those names going around at the moment?'. Considering it is a flower name for a girl it has been 'going around' for quite a long time actually! (her daughter's name is Charlotte which I actually like although I wish I hated it) grin

clam Sun 28-Sep-08 09:30:10

The baby will, presumably, already have one name from your DH's side of the family - the surname MIL still chooses to use for herself. So she wants another one as well?
YANBU!

Roskva Sun 28-Sep-08 09:53:39

Like theCrackFox says, make sure you register the birth - the parent who registers the birth states what goes on the birth certificate.

Twooaks Sun 28-Sep-08 13:02:54

I wouldnt use it now especially because of her behaviour!

alicet Sun 28-Sep-08 13:05:35

It can't be that bloody important to her if she didn't include it in her OWN children's names and still chooses to use her married name ffs hmm

Stand your ground

LadyGlencoraPalliser Sun 28-Sep-08 13:37:02

Custy is right. The Dowager Duchess of Palliser gave us all sorts of grief when it came to naming the Palliser heir. You have to stand your ground or she will see it as the green light to start interfering in all your parenting decisions.

Onestonetogo Sun 28-Sep-08 13:52:08

Message withdrawn

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